i'm back.
i hope everyone had a really great Christmas.

i realized to my horror tonite that "Big House" wasn't on my computer. this has been taken care of.

i'm pretty bored. so much so i cleaned my room today. and re-genre'd my iTunes.

i know, its awful. but please don't send me back to school yet.

i think God's trying to tell me something. whatever it is, i didn't find it whilst cleaning my room. or re-genre'ing my iTunes, for that matter.

i think i'll watch a movie tonite.

here's a really great Sanctus Real song.
"After Today"
After today I'll get me out of this place
Into the world so I can set a new pace
Seems I'm on my own from here
I've gotta face so many fears
Won't You lay me in Your hands of grace

I've got a funny feeling that I'm gonna go away
Gonna face my future, gonna try to make the grade
I've got a ways to go from here and vision doesn't seem so clear
But praise God He's got a plan and understanding isn't my place

After today I'm gonna come face to face
With a new world who knows I'm feeling this way
I've got a ways to go from here
I'm gonna overcome these fears
Still I'm gonna need Your hands of grace

I'll be a bigger man... I'll pray a bigger prayer... I'll dream a bigger dream...for today.

a quick post before i go baaaack to illinois for a few days!!

i'd have to say i'm deftly in the holiday spirit, after all, at random times i'll start singing "and so this is Christmas..." then in my head i can hear Yoko and The Plastic Ono Band accompanied by the Harlem Community Choir singing...something

yeah for a john lennon Christmas!

fyi, i got off the treadmill about a half hour ago...i think my adrenaline is still going. nothing a little tea and a good book cant solve, right??

and it better, i have to get up in less than six hours

today, i had too much
A)sims
B)sugar

and i didnt feel nauseous at all on the treadmill! hooya!

Merry Christmas!

i'm shocking. just to let you know.
if you happen to see me walking towards you, shuffling my feet on carpet with a devious grin on my face, run away.

thats not the best introduction to what i'm going to say.

so, i've been reading Blue Like Jazz, which you should read if you...well, you should just read it. it's very good.
it posed a challenge to me which i would like to share with you.
the author talked about not having a negative thought about anyone for a week.

i think this is an interesting idea. noting the fact that as humans we are flawed, is there any way that this is possible? perhaps after years and years of practice and striving to not let a negative thought enter your mind. then again, maybe you could do it next week.
i think i'm going to try this.
however, not saying I will, because i will admit to the fact that it probably will not be a successful week, but what if someone could do it. what do they do then? congratulate themselves and continue to do it? what do you think of yourself then? i'm sure it would be very easy to think "oh, i see that i am a rather spiritual person, yeeeah for me! i guess i must be more holy than other people." of course, that thought alone kicks you right back to where you started. it wasnt a negative thought about other people, it was a overly positive thought about yourself.
which is worse?

anyway, i guess i'm still trying to figure stuff out. maybe i need to read more.

i slept in pretty late today. it was really nice. then my mom called me and asked if i could find anything for lunch.
"oh yeah, i'll find something."
then i proceeded to eat cereal as my breakfast.

i did stay up late though, and there was a good reason. i needed to think. so i wrote, layed on my bed, contemplated life, and felt satisfied. i realized that i am...
A) A control freak. I go nuts when situations are out of my control. This can be a bad thing.
B) Ben Fold's Annie.

anyway, please enjoy my snow picture found below. because it snowed yesterday. but no snow days for me! i get to sleep in even later! haha

oh yeah....

go buy the Napoleon Dynamite DVD out today and check out his skills!

heh heh.

Greetings from minneSNOWta!! 

(boom boom)

sha la la la la la la la la

(boom)
(violin)

--"Magic" Ben Folds Five

its a magical song. YEEAAH!!

right. sleep.

i should probably be in bed.

i have two words for you. sug. ar.

making Christmas sweets is probably not the best thing for me. chocolate is very tempting for me, especially when it is in convenient bite-size pieces. ugh...ready for another fat day tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, which, i will point out once again as a cliche, is actually today. but i dont have to get up at 8 to go to western civ at nine! hooray!

received my second Christmas present today. my first was the Jeremy Camp worship cd, and the second was the latest Jeremy Camp cd.
if this was all, i would be content and happy.

was really cold today. i think it was below zero, and thats without the windchill, baby.

Welcome back to Minnesota, hun.

GAAH

have dug out my mittens, and gradually becoming used to wearing sweaters around the house, because the in-house temp is not nearly as warm as my cozy dorm room. which brings to mind some strange metaphors that are just stupid so i wont even think about them.

wow, where was i going with that

played some Nintendo in the past couple days, and i actually beat my sister in smash brothers! we will ignore the fact that she got more knockouts. but me beating her never happens!!

heh heh, i'm ready for a comment smackdown ang.

Ilana draws a mean stick person.

ouch, the corners on this computer desk are really sharp. i may bleed.

i'm so excited, i have 72 Christmas songs on my iTunes right now. i might delete some of them, just because i dont like them like "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" by Aaron Neville, or "Go Tell it On the Mountain" by...ANDY GRIFFITH?!?! but its nice to have a whole bunch of Christmas music. it may have been more beneficial a month ago, when Christmas seemed like a mere distant thing.
also, since i've been home, ive added about 300 songs to my iTunes library, up to 1414 tracks. dont really know what i'm doing, just putting some songs on there that i will hopefully listen to.

OH. i finally got my hands on the one and only MMHMM by Relient K. its awesome. i dont know what else to say. just listen to it.

ok, so i just finished listening to the "Go Tell it On the Mountain" by Andy Griffith, and it's not that bad. if you like the twangy, cowboy-esqe song. now back to jeremy camp. :-)

is it just me, or does Christmas promote a romantic, gawd-i-need-a-significant-other feeling even more so than Valentine's day?

it has greatly saddened me that Lemmings, the way-cool-old-skool DOS version, will not run smoothly on my computer. OOOOAAAAAAHHHHHwhywhy??

maybe this is a good thing, as bobbing little men with green hair will always appear much more attractive than homework.

that's it. nothing deep. maybe now i can go to bed despite all of this sugar running through my blood, if i dont have nightmares of where the fat content from it will settle.

i watched the worst tv show EVER, thanks to my sister.

never watch "who wants to date my mom" on mtv because its impossible to watch the entire thing without puking.
the whole basic thing is this 19 year old kid takes three moms on dates, then picks their daughter that he liked the best.
these moms are, if you have ever seen Mean Girls, worse than Regina's mother. which is saying a lot, i think.
one mom had boobs the size of Texas and she wore this tiny little tank top.
and the whole show is so scripted and the people are bad "actors."
case in point...

HORMONAL CRAZED BOY: So does your daughter like animals?
DITZY MOTHER: Well, she used to keep lizards as pets.
HORMONAL CRAZED BOY IN "INTERVIEW STYLE SHOT": Ah, reptiles, eh? I'd like to show her MY snake.

whatever. of course, now the question comes up as to why i watched the whole thing. i guess it's kinda how my english teacher last year described stuff, "its like a train wreck, you can't look away."

anyways, finals are over, and i am at home, sluggish internet and all. but thats ok. i have my lovely computer here, and that helps.

however, it is one of the strangest feelings when you are at home and feel like you are imposing on your family.

i'm sure it will be ok.

another thing, finals are over. yesssss. and so are my papers, even though i emailed my western civ professor my correction of my last paper two nites ago.
hey, he said it was ok!
now i am presented with all this free time. its fantastic. i played the Sims 2 yesterday! its captivating.

well, i dont have THAT much free time, i work tonite. gotta go get some food before i party it up!
thats right, work=party.

i'm taking a break. from western civ, what else?

i wish there was a way that i could get myself to intensely study, without being incredibly distracted. not only would i get a whole lot more done, i would spend fewer inefficient hours seated at this desk.
nevertheless, my last final is in about 16 hours, the hellish Western Civ.
should i be more worried? because my panic reflex has not kicked in.

yet.

anyways, i think i'll stop talking about western civ, because i talk about it enough, and i'm sick of hearing myself talk and complain about it.

and for the bazillionth time, i remind myself that its almost over. seriously, this is my last nite in college for 2004.

stupid recollections, but who cares. i remember standing in front of my mirror in the way early hours of January 1st, 2004, like i usually do in the new year I looked myself in the eye and told myself this was going to be quite the year.

which it has been.

thanks to all who have made it so...i believe you know who you are.

soon i'll go home. and then i will probably have more revelations about the place we call home, because it seems more emotional and more clear each time i go back. its the place my family is so happy to see me and i get a feeling of love that i haven't felt before. its a place where i can return to what i thought i was and consider who i should be. its a place where i can see my friends that i dont see every day and dont eat dinner with all the time and i cant just walk down the hall and see. i'll be...home.

the insanity of the past week has been beyond me, i dont think i'll ever figure it out. i dont think i'll try. what is today anyway, monday?

that was scary. i almost lost the post.

a note about the quiz thing in the last entry: those things are freaking addicting. i will not tell you how many i took, heh heh.

anyways, my break is about over, so i should get back to homework, and i also need to get some sleep. to all my AIM buddies, i've been off all day A)Because i havent been at my computer much today anyways and B)I have to finish studying up for....well, you know what.

i've been contemplating a song for the post, which i have been doing more frequently than before, but hey, its my blog and i'll do what i want. i could put the ben folds song in (which, by the way, meg, is the quite incredible "Still Fighting It") but when i was typing a few paragraphs back, this song came to mind:

"Clear" by Watashi Wa
I rhyme of time when all we knew was love
With bread and wine, friends by your side,
And time beneath your glove.
You dream of time like that to always stay,
But no soon day would ever stay,
And tunes will always change.

But you’re always here and your touch is near,
and you're sound, so sound,
you’re always clear, so clear,
your voice it’s clear,
you're sound, so sound.

Now feel the times when all we knew was pain
Where loved ones hearts were locked by scars,
And soon their name has changed.
But these are times when soon you’ll see what came.
In all this pain there’s wholeness found
In One who stays the same.
He’s always here and his touch is near,
And He’s sound, so sound,
He’s always clear, so clear,
His voice it’s clear,
He’s sound, so sound.

Oh…
The pain, such lessons in such pain
Such hope in so much pain
How can I call this pain?

You’re always here and your touch is near,
And You're sound, so sound,
You’re always clear, so clear,
Your voice it’s clear,
You're sound, so sound.

mmmm western civ.

u should watch The Birdcage, cuz its a funny movie. cheesy, but funny.

ha ha ha ha ha

sleep? maybe

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ow ow!

i cleaned up my desk tonite...man oh man.

i'm gonna play a song for you, its by ben folds. i listened to it REALLY for the first time today...and then i had to push the rewind button just so i could hear it again. JUST so i could hear it again, because its that amazing.

my window howls, when you open it a weird way.

its kinda funny, don't you think, how when we go away from God and make our own decisions, not doing what He wants, that something is quite possibly out of His control? but it can't be, it can't be...something out of God's control?! what i do?! i hate to think it, it can't be true...something that has been screaming itself around my head for weeks.
i dont think anymore, i cant just sit, and think.

AND SO ENDS THE LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE.

ok, a quick post so i dont seem like i'm in a panic state still.

shopping does wonders for sanity.

especially Christmas shopping.

I had my music appreciation final this morning, and it only took about an hour. woohoo

i might take a nap now.

yeah, its saturday morning and i got up at 8:15.

ok. this has been a weird week.

why? i'm not really sure.

ITS JUST BEEN WEIRD. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOTHING SEEMS TO BE THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. ODD STUFF KEEPS HAPPENING. STUFF ISNT GETTING DONE. ITS FREAKING ME OUT. IN AN EXTREMELY SOLITARY WAY.

i had a dream last nite. some guy wanted me to work for the government. and i coulnt resist his delectable offer. he signed me up and everything. i was gonna leave the country in two days. i had to pack up my stuff, keep my identity hidden. contact him through email and instant messenger. then i realized i wasnt ready to go at all. my suitcase wasn't packed, i had no idea what i was supposed to be doing, or why i was leaving in the first place.
then i woke up. and i could honestly not remember if i had really signed up for it. was i really supposed to leave the country tomorrow? did i have three emails from him on my computer? was i going to be in trouble with the government? it took me about a half hour to convince myself that the dream in its entirity was not reality.

i think this is telling me that i am totally unprepared for what is to come.

and i'm listening to five iron frenzy today, which means that i am in a mood to explode.
maybe i need to get out of this 15'by15'by10' box.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"breaking my fall" jeremy camp

So easily I fall, so easily you reach your hand out
So quickly will I drown, in all the pools of all my reason
So easily will I fear, so easily will your peace surpass me
So quickly will I trust, in anything I think is worthy

How many times you make the waves calm down
So I won't be afraid now
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall
What am I supposed to do?

How precious are your thoughts
The way that you think about me
How faithful are your ways
I always feel you grace abounding
How quickly will I call
How quickly will you answer my cry
How carefully will you bring everything I need in my life

How many times you make the waves calm down
So I won't be afraid now
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall
What am I supposed to do?

This narrow road I'm walking,
This world will I try to draw
Your work will help me fight it
With you I'll face it all

I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall
What am I supposed to do?

WOW.

i haven't felt this unproductive for a long time.

i had a post, but it was so boring i deleted it.

Seeing as we all have finals coming up and most of us tend to get distracted by our delightful computers, i recommend one of these. a big thanks to Ilana for showing me how to do a screenshot. 

hello.

tonite was fun. i organized something, it came together, and went oh so well.

i had a party! well not really, several of my gal pals and i hung out in my room and played Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture (which we STINK at, btw) for two hours, then watched Love, Actually, only one of the best movies ever. and i definitely loved the "OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!" coming from Meg's direction every ten minutes or so.

and i was so excited while i was cleaning up after everyone had up and gone and i discovered that today was only friday. FRIDAY! i still have a whole weekend ahead of me!! haha, see what i say sunday nite...

it was another exciting thing when i discovered i only have two days of classes next week! the challenge is getting ready for those!! then i have wednesday, thursday, and friday with ZERO class!! wahoo!!

what the hell am i going to do with myself?!

ha, oh right, study for those little test things called finals

perhaps that will make me feel Christmasy. probably not, and i have no idea how i got finals to seguey to Christmas. but honestly, i have not been feeling it lately. however, my RA, the greatest EVER and put lights up in our hall (and turned the hall lights off so its illUminated!) and a Christmas tree in our bathroom with presents for us!!
of course, Love, Actually is a Christmas movie too, which was nice. and i am easing myself into the Christmas songs. Mariah Carey's rendition of "All I want for Christmas is YOU!" has been drifting through the halls here ever since I got back from Thanksgiving break. which i like, but whatever.

drunk boys are really silly. i think its really funny how drunk people remember names and how many drinks they had when they are drunk. at least in my experience with drunk people.

well, i was going to do some homework before i went to bed, but i think i'll just pop my nitetime cold medication and drift off for a few hours. but please enjoy the pictures of my hall as much as i am enjoying the real thing -- if thats even possible :-)

Wyckoff Winter W"one"derland! 

The hall. So pretty! 

ahh...back to blogging. il me manque.

a sample of things that have been drained today:
-my sinuses
-my black printer ink cartridge
-the campus
-several bottles of water
-my bladder

allow me to explain...
sinuses: i have a cold. yuck.
black printer ink cartridge: I finished my seminar paper!! at least for now! I printed off twenty two copies for my loverly w. civ classmates...now i hope they will loverly me
the campus: it rained. and snowed. and rained. and snowed. and snowed. i stepped in a puddle. and another puddle. and another. (It SNOWED!!)
several bottles of water: in efforts to cleanse my body of the evil infection, i have been drinking lots. which of course leads me to...
my bladder: ay ay its lots of water!!!

brief list of why today is amazering
-i just said "amazering!"
-i finished my SEMINAR PAPER!!
-it snowed prettily!
-French class was canceled!
-i dont have to give my french presentation til next tuesday!
-i have listened to ben folds all day thru the Wyckoff iTunes network!
-i was homeworkly productive today!
-i phoned the chica who came up with the word "amazering!"
-i sound like a doof!
-i finished my SEMINAR PAPER!!

its funny, when you sit down and try to come up with ideas, then they start coming, they REALLY start coming...for example, i could make both lists a lot longer if left to my devices (uh, whatever that means) but we need time for bigger and better things, my friends!!

for example...do i want these shoes...


or these....
?

or neither? do i even need shoes?

well, yes...my current pairs are rather pathetic and old and holey.

and yet, i am happy with what i have. after all, last thursday WAS thanksgiving (just thought i'd let you know in case you forgot). then of course the greediest day of the year follows suit.
but anyway, back to thanksgiving...the friday before...ok this is history, just so long ago...i went to the burn service. THOONK. totally hit me how much i have to be thankful for. so many good things. it was too much.

and most of us know what happens when becky is overcome with emotion.

in tying this all up, i'll end with this amazering Ben Folds love song.

"The Luckiest"

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

thanksgiving break=yesss

this week=oh, crap

if i dont die, i'll post sometime later

MISSING: LEFT EYE CONTACT LENS, PERSCRIPTION -2.25

i dont know how it happened! it was in my eye, then i went to take it out, and, nothing!

blogging, because i can. HA

had a relatively good day. went to bed too late last nite (damn paper! but more on that later) so that made it difficult to get up this morning. but church was excellent, as always.
the pastor talked about death. a bit morbid, but it was more like dont waste your life not in God when you are young. excellent music as well.
then came brunch. once again, excellent as usual.
then the paper. not as much pacing and frantic coming-up-withness as the night before, which means that i actually have content down on paper. and a working thesis!!
then COM group. CRAP. things are just not coming together. well, they had better and darn quick.
then i came back, fiddled around online, and decided that i was much too tired to come up with anything intelligent to say about my paper. soo...
NAP!
dinner at one world, then guitar concert, which was amazing. i had never seen anything like it; six guys sat up on the stage each with his foot on this little prop thing and played their acoustic guitars to classical music. and it was good. you hear that mellow, happy tone of the acoustic guitar and you know all is right with the world.
especially since i am done with concert requirements for music appreciation!

ahh, can't wait to go home for thanksgiving. luckily i have homework to keep me company until i do.

barf barf

ok, now that i have bored you with every single detail of my Sunday, i shall do it again! more homework, then bed.

SHOOT

here i am. its 11:30 on saturday nite. and what am i doing.

BLOGGING

what should i be doing?

DEVELOPING A THESIS FOR MY PAPER

why isn't this paper coming easy??
i believe part of the reason is because i have so much personal emotion and gosh darn angst behind it that i just want to let rip. however, i dont know a tactful way to do it. and i have an idea about what i want to say, but i dont know how to say it.

maybe i'll say...the popes of the middle ages/renaissance ruined everything. ignorant, self-centered, self-important jerks. i could try to come up with a good reason why they were so messed up. but i can't...well, maybe i could, but then i could offend someone. my job is to argue, not piss off. and i've already been offended somewhat by other people's papers, but i guess its difficult to write a paper on Christianity and not even be a Christian.
that is such a bizarre concept, not being a Christian. granted, i believe i took it forgranted for quite a few years, but i can't imagine not growing up a Christian. that thought just came to me last week.

i had better get to my paper. but seriously, i have done some homework tonite. i hope my COM group is pleased.

and lately i have been further exploring the beauty that is jeremy camp. he had a cd that just came out tuesday as a matter of fact. but this song is on his first cd. oooh, i'll do this because i can....


now, pay attention to the song, especially the second verse.

"I Still Believe"

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near

i was just messing around  

wow. things didnt get much better.

what?

J'ai mal a la bouche.

huh?

but i did play "Control" for my Bible study. which was awesome.

i really can't wait to own the new relient k album.

part of "Let it all Out" Relient K

And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me

And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Reach out to me, make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You...for You...

its not even noon, and i keep getting this feeling that i'm running on a treadmill.

(of course, that sentence doesnt make any sense at all. what else is new?)

what i mean is, that i exert all this energy and i get nothing done.

case in point...
i walk all the way over to Westlake, the teacher building, so i can pay a fricking $25 processing fee to the FBI so they can process my fingerprints...some legal thing for when i go into the schools for observation. but i sit down to fill out the application and realize my drivers license number is in my dorm. so i walk back over to the dorm, and fill the rest out with my d.l.n. and walk back over there.
then i headed to the language lab to do some french homework. lights are off, door is locked, sign says its supposed to be open.
went to do laundry, because i am desperately running out of clothes. i brought my huge bag downstairs (ok, wont complain too much as i only have to go down one level) and open all the washers and find that they are all full.

GAH

things are somewhat better, as got strawbanana smoothie for lunch. and i did pay my $25.

hopefully better than miserable mood lasts into the afternoon, as have COM 101 test that i found out about monday and working more on COM 101 project. fluh.

random thought that i have to say: I'm getting sick of being around people who are living FOR other people. All of their energies focus on one person, and their moods fluctuate on how much they are accepted by one person. And when the person is totally rejected, they are totally miserable until they have someone else to hang on to.
pathetically, i am not innocent of this. but, ya live you learn. and now its time to grow up.
there is comfort in this. if you focus on God, he always accepts you, and there's no reason to be miserable.

there's a group here on campus that are trying to raise money to prevent violence against women. in order to do this, they are selling chocolate candy vaginas. i honestly do not see any way how this is promoting non-violence against women.

anyway, i have faith that all the homework i have will all fall into place.

worship@fullvolume was quite awesome tonite, as usual. and sometimes forgetting your keys is a good thing.

we sang this song, which is just amazing. and there's a story behind it. a guy was coming over to America to be with his wife a long time ago, and his son and three daughters had just died. so even through all this pain, it was well with his soul...

"It is Well with my Soul" --Audio Adrenaline and Jennifer Knapp

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scoll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

ahhh...Sunday night.

i feel very cultured this weekend, as i attended two music concerts. one was a professional symphony and the other was the school band. both good.

the thing about the symphony was that i got to dress up in my black pants/black sweater/red shirt/clappy high heel shoes and go see the Symphony Orchestra in the company of many 70 year olds in similar dressy wear and on dates with their spouses they have been married to for fifty years and they actually know stuff about what the orchestra was playing. its like, they know where the real party's at. and i find it cool, and awfully romantic.

so, i'm thinking its a v. good thing that i'm taking music appreciation.

then again, just sitting here with led zeppelin rox my sox as well.

i find that whenever i give my full blown opinion on something, i end up changing my stance, even if just a little.
for example, way back in september i wrote this post about him just not being into you.
i've thought about it, partially because stuff i consider having made a decision on sticks in my head and won't go away, so when my mind wanders it finds this remnant and picks it up and begins to ponder it.
and think and think and think
also, my roomate got the book that its all about (He's Just Not That Into You), and it makes sense.
however, i think my mind was a bit narrow, demented, and in denial at the time.
on the other hand, i dont disagree a bit at all about what i wrote about women picking every fricking thing apart.

heh, my point proven exactly.

however, you live and you learn. or more like you make mistakes and you learn.

funny how that's like my motto and i get caught up in a situation, then it seems to be wiped from my mind. that or its hard to be objective when you are stuck in the middle of...everything. then in hindsight you realize..."what the HELL was i thinking"

some things in college kind of make me sick.
twice last night @ about 11 pm after seeing me in pajamas and disheveled hair and rubbed off makeup i was asked..."oh, you're not going out??"
me-->"oh, i already went out"
them-->"oh" *confused look on face*
me-->"yeah, i went to the symphony orchestra"
them-->*fake smile/nod*

(granted it was for a class, but like i said earlier, i liked the experience.)

of course, there are other things, but i think there will be several things that i will find sickening through my whole life, so i'd better live with it.

since the feel good day of last thursday when my hair was once again chopped off, i've opened my big mouth and have started blabbing that i used to have long long hair.
this, of course, prompts people to wonder what the heck i looked like with hair even past my shoulders, so i got a picture. this is bothering me.
now i've released a part of my past. i didn't want to. i'm telling people what i used to be like. they didnt know me then, and i'm different now. cutting my hair was...symbolic of letting go of old things. starting something new and come out from...somewhere, maybe behind the hair.
anyway, i hate it. they didnt know me then, so whats the point.

but one thing i don't hate is led zeppelin, especially "whole lotta love," especially jimmy page guitar.

mmmm datz the good stuff

i guess the stuff about the Catholic church that i quoted is pretty sad.

to each his own, i suppose?

lets see...reflection on the week...

went pretty good. am very happy that its now friday.

and now i'm listening to Franz Ferdinand hooya! "Come on Home" great song. so is 40'. wooooooooooo....

did some research about spiritual life in India...its...pretty spiritual, not just Christian. yep.

speaking of that, i had to write a paper on the Reformation, and it was good. not the quality of the paper, but that i wrote it. good stuff came out. but, in class while we were discussing them, questions about Catholicism came up...which, i guess I can be an authority on?? so here i am being posed a question, with the whole class listening for my answer. nothing wrong with that i guess, but its very nervewracking hoping i dont say the wrong thing.

speaking of which, the book A People Adrift by Peter Steinfels has some good stuff in it.

"Do Catholics worship with the conviction that they are themselves, together, offering this great thanksgiving? Or, their occasional assigned words and motions notwithstanding, are they essentially watching and hearing someone else do it for them...

...Catholics, whose resistance to full-throated song...is legendary."

almost funny cuz its true...

and, i came across this passage twice this week, so it must be notable.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
-- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

pretty much that means that since we know comfort from God, we can comfort each other.
which is good, because there was speech freaking outness all over the place this week.

haircut feels fantastic as well, its up to my chin :-)

ahh...shall proceed to revel in the weekend...

SPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECH

that, my friends, is what my mind SHOULD have been focusing on this week.

THIS is what i have been doing
-reading A People Adrift (a book i am TOTALLY gonna quote here when the speech is done)
-sitting and staring
-watching music visualizations on iTunes
-reading people's blogs (so, am I distracting YOU now??)
-more sitting and staring
-blogging (hey look, what i'm doing now)
-reading people's profiles
-writing four and a half pages of thoughts
-more sitting and staring
-sleeping

however, that last bit is a bit necessary, since i havent been doing enough of it lately.
maybe i'll go do that now

anyways, resume is done, i think, and i still have to do some stuff for com tomorrow. and i have to coordinate some research for this presentation for cru on friday. huh, oh yeah, and the speech.

i had better coordinate my brain first and go to bed.
every genious idea i had to put here today has flown right out my head! good nite

but wait...i listened to brave saint saturn today.

that is all.

i am such a big girl.

i just changed the ink in a printer for the first time EVER. was much easier than i ever could have imagined.

i'm pretty sure i'm committing some gargantuan fashion mistake today. probably several.
i sure could use another pair of jeans or so.
and a haircut. but the latter will become a reality this week!

resumes (say rey-zu-mayz!) are really frustrating. they shouldn't be, but its like a research paper...the more you look at it the more is wrong with it and the more ways it could be better. at least i'm done with it now...i think

well my stupid printer is living up to its reputation and it doesnt realize that yes, it is loaded with paper.
i believe this can be solved with a smoothie lunch.

ok, found it. dont know why, but here it is

"do you realize" by the flaming lips

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

this is really bothering me. i need a song to say how i feel. but i can't think of one.
i think it would help if i knew how i feel.
i'm not sad, or particularly happy, or annoyed, or really excited, or devastated. i dont feel excrutiatingly stressed out, or tired. i just sort of...am.

gah!
this is driving me nuts.

however, ben jelen and watermark and larue and the jealous sound are working pretty good for me right now.
jealous sound more than they ever have, but dont know why. not exactly their words, but their sound.

ok, maybe their words some.

alrighty then.

i've decided i dislike writing resumes, writing speeches, constantly craving food, research in general, and last and most, lotus works.

and i really hate this not finding a lyrically appropriate song.
i'll probably be back in a bit.

*stomps away in frustration*

hello.

its 11:30 on a friday nite, and what am i doing? sitting in my pajamas, listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, trying to decide whats going to happen next.

i feel like watching a movie, but i have to decide on what one that will be.

i could do homework, but what kind of loser am i?
oh right...one that has a lot of homework due next week.

well, whatever i do, i'm sure it will involve a bag of popcorn...yummy.

found excellentx2 Brand Nizzle fan website. just check out my profile pic. after i discovered it i was exhibiting my tendency to get more excited than the normal person about something. but i dont think there's anything to be ashamed about that, because life is just wonderful.
i have a super wonderful new Brand New desktop as well, featuring the band and the lyrics from "Play Crack the Sky," only one of the prettiest songs ever.

anyway, the gal pals and i went to visit our friend jessica tonite who is at dance marathon, which is pretty much a bunch of people sign up to dance for 24 hours. they can't sit down or anything, but there is always music and dancing and food and motivation and friends and knowing that they are making money for little kids in the hospital. the unfortunate thing was we showed up right when a band took the stage, so we had to yell at each other in order to hear. maybe i'll do it next year, it looked pretty fun. hehe, i'm looking forward to see myself awake for 24+ hours with dead legs.
fun stuff, and when else are ya gonna do something like that?
of course, me and my cautious nature had to check it out before i committed. wahoo for insecurity? maybe its just...a healthy sense of apprehension.

mmmmm, i like this song, its really pretty. "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch. find it.

now about that movie...

pretty good day.

had a weird feeling today. I was watching TV, and this commercial came on for some premium soup. i looked down at my mug with tomato soup mix and water in it. i just can't afford that premium soup, i have no need for it. and my Cup of Soup tasted excellent, just what i needed after sitting outside for an hour. it was just tomato soup, with itty bitty crutons, and salt and undissolved mix sticking to the sides, but it was still good. and it was My lunch.

speaking of how good things come cheap, i usually get a weekly email from iTunes telling me about the new releases and they usually tell about the free download of the week. this week it was The Music's "Freedom Fighters," so i gave it a shot. they are pretty good; they remind me a lot of Led Zeppelin. the lead singer even has that whole Robert Plant Lip Curl thing down. and here's the picture that came with the song. i wouldnt mind having their photographer.

sorry its kinda big, but its the only one i could find. even Google image search couldn't find it.
anyways, if you're in the least bit interested i recommend clicking here.

i dont know what it is about spaghettios that make me want to say...HELLO WORLD!

DID YOU KNOW I JUST ATE SPAGHATTIOS?

anyways, i am discovering how much homework i'm gonna have for next week. thankfully my speech teacher moved a paper to later, so that's quality news.
resume, and speech, and getting started on a paper, and ok so thats not tons. but i really want to get my speech done before WEDNESDAY, considering i give my speech on thursday.

i'm drinking mountain dew as well, so who knows how long this post could go on. maybe it will sharpen my concentration skills. FEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNSHZOOOP.

thats me focusing. hurrah!

the upsidedownjesus campaign is going rather well i see...i should post a picture of me in my stylin' shirt. and it's red! however, the real test comes tonite and tomorrow, when i'm sitting at a table, being open. yeah i've worn the shirt twice now this week, but now i have to be even more initiative.
there is no need to be afraid tho. :-)

For this reason I remind you to fan into the flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life-not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.
2 Timothy 1:6-9

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things, of ships and shoes and sealing wax and cabbages and kings!

that popped into my head in french class...but it is time to talk of many things.

First of all, french class. We had to present what we had learned while watching french tv online. I wanted to say "A man discovered whales near Mayotte. The whales approach the humans." (hmm...it doesn't sound very educated when i say it in english). anyways, this is what i said in french...
"Un homme a decouvri les banlieus par Mayotte; les banlieus s'approche les humains."
when i had said this, my french teacher got a very confused look on her face. she asked me how to spell it, so i did, and she said, "oh, les baleines!" les baleines=whales

i forgot to mention that "les banlieus" mean "the suburbs."

doh

anyways, today is the day we have all been waiting for. or at least I have been waiting for. Ilana too.


mmhmm comes out today!


Devotion comes out today!

i have no money to buy any of them!
I sure do hope that both bands are at FOUR DAY Sonshine 2005!!

AND...election today. I sure hope everybody that could vote did. there is still time!

back to the books...:-)

My dinner. A Gondola sandwich from Avanti's. Only one of the greatest foods ever!  

yeah, yeah, yeah, another post

i heard a good thing at cru last nite that i needed to hear.

to be a humble Christian...

"Don't think less of yourself, but think of yourself less."

that is an answer i have been waiting for.

i wish some stuff didn't take so much patience. i suppose its better than living a hasty life, not enjoying stuff that comes along the way. not live then die.

have read some spectacular things in my devotional book, bringing up some new concepts.
for example, can you imagine where love doesn't exist? there's no compassion, no hope, no songs of praise. think of how much hate and guilt and detest there is in the world now...and imagine it all without all the good stuff. so, pretty much HELL.
its hard for me to picture this, even i know what it feels like to have little hope. i can't imagine none at all.
i hope there will be no hell on earth, it would be great if there was heaven...but there's no point of heaven on earth because what's to look forward to after death then?

another point...
"We keep no secrets from God. Confession is not telling God what we did. He already knows. Confession is simply agreeing with God that our acts were wrong..."
this clarifies another one of my confusions.
Cru is confessing on monday that what Christians have done in the past was wrong...but was apparently was in the name of God. i wonder how much we misinterpret God's message, or twist it in with our own wants. or perhaps we are learning from those people who made big mistakes, so we don't do it again. which would make me want to think that our world is going in a good direction.

i think we need to have more confidence in ourselves to encourage the world to go in the good direction...and not think less of ourselves, but of ourselves less.

oh jeez, one more post. i must be the person alex is talking about when he mentions people who blog three times a day.

here is an excerpt from the email i got from Relient K the other day, cuz i'm on the mailing list...

Alright. I know. Too many emails from those dumb relient k kids.

Well, this is the LAST email thingy that we're doing before (cue
elaborate parade going through your computer room)

OUR BRAND NEW ALBUM, MMHMM, COMES OUT ON NOVEMBER 2ND!!!!!!!

(cue clown tripping into tiger cage)
(cue laughter and applause from spectators)
(cue blood bath)

and ilana...whats up with this...
Also... If you have free time, or if you happen to know what's good
for you, you should join the official RK street team. Join up by
clickity clicking....

THIS LINK----->
http://www.thedst.com/relientk


thats all. i'm going to bed.

ok, i remembered another good thing, and how could i forget.

i declared a major today. i am planning on getting a degree in special education.

i have a future now. people ask me what my major is and i can say something besides "I'm undecided."

even though so many things went right today, i still found it hard to be optimistic.

but, when one is not optimistic, it helps to make a list of the things that went right today. and by today i mean thursday.

A. I found out iTunes has amazing quality music videos. you can see the whole thing, and for free.
B. I didn't have speech class.
C.

ok, whats really depressing is when you think a lot of things went well, and there were only a few things. but the iTunes thing rocked pretty hard.

maybe its the colored leaves, so beautiful, so dead on the ground. the crying clouds, the nagging wind, the emptied happiness.

for what it's worth...

i get down, He lifts me up, i get down, He lifts me up

yeah! audio adrenaline. it's a nice break from Mozart and Beethoven, tho they aren't bad either.

getting my daily dose of rambling to the world done early today. knowing me, i may be back for seconds, but i'd hate to eat too much.

yeah, anyway, speaking of food...

tonite at dinner the Geisert cafeteria was decorated for halloween...i had Brain strings with blood, or something. (that would be pasta and marinara, for those who have little imagination) and shrimp! was happy about that. it was cute.

i'm so proud of myself, for several reasons.
A. Brought umbrella to french class.
B. Understood most of what was said in french class.
C. Already did some studying for speech test next Tuesday.
D. Have been going to bed about midnite lately.

one thing i am not very proud about is that i havent mailed in my ballot. i just dont know what to do about it. i thought i did, but now i dont. better get informed pretty quickly, it has to be there next monday.

back to Symphonies and rondos and Sonatas. bye!

"i wanna be your hands i wanna be your feet i'll go where you send me go where you send me i'll be your hands i'll be your feet i'll go where you send me go where you send me and i'll try yeah i'll try to touch the world like you've touched my life and i'll find my way to be your hands!"

so, i put so much energy into writing the last post there should be a 48-hour allowance of time before i post again.

ok, i'll be honest with you, i was gonna say 24-hour allowance of time, but it has been 24 hours. booyah

my roomie had a good day today. and i'm really happy for her, and it was fun just to see it. not to say i had a miserable day -- allergies suck and should die -- i had a good day. i'll say a day of contentment. nothing spectacular, but so ordinary it made it wonderful.
and tonite at worship@fullvolume we sang "it is you," only one of my most favorite songs.

an innovative way to freshen your room...put a fan in the window and put a dryer sheet between the fan and the window screen.

according to my BU flip calender, today is Sourist Day. whatever the hell that means. does it mean people who are really...sour? do we eat sour foods? why would anyone make a day for it anyway?

I'm surprised how much homework I have gotten done today. I still have some to do. un peu. and it's almost eleven o'clock. bed?
any ideas for a persuasive speech?

alors, je sais que j'ai deja bloge` aujourd'hui, mais, je veux ecriver.

n'inquietez pas, cette post n'est pas tous en francais. je promis.

so, i don't really have a lot of homework this week. its crazy. how is this happening. i'm not trying to rub in other people's faces who are swamped this week. and i'm not complaining...not by a long shot...i just hope i dont waste my time. don't let me, friends, ok?

one interesting thing about having a lot of music is that you forget you have some of it. it's impossible to listen to it all, my iTunes consists of two and a half days. (((i could be in a situation that nicoal is in and have five days of music.))) the thing is that i forget how wonderful an artist is, then am reminded of how wonderful he/she/they are. currently, i am reinfatuating myself with ben kweller. and putting my favorite song on my away message has made me have more common ground with meg. and introducing nicoal to him is what started this whole love affair.
don't know why i love ben kweller so much. he doesn't even really remind me of a specific time, i dont think. maybe i have to pound him into my head, then i'll remember...10th grade maybe? oh wait, i remember spring break this year, anxiously anxiously awaiting my autographed copy of his latest album. spring break was such a good time, I don't think i'll ever ever forget...

i feel silly saying "i love ben kweller," when really i dont love him, i love his music. besides, he got married and has devoted endearingly two songs to his wife. why, just listen to "lizzy" and "believer."
boys are silly anyway.
girls are silly.
*sigh* the whole thing can be stupid.

i bought a new cd at HoTToPiC for only FIVE DOLLA the other day...called "A Near Fatal Fall."

i'm assuming you all can figure out what the theme is, but it was put out by Tooth & Nail, so all the artists are Christian. But, i was surprised by the way many of the singers screamed, waaaaaailed, etc. Quite possibly the heaviest music i own. It was just something different, but if you are trying to reach those people who have seemingly no hope, its a way. anyways, there was some not-as-heavy stuff on there, like Watashi Wa (((see their album The Love of Life cover pictured below.)))
((())),
which is quickly becoming a favorite. (((if i ever told you they were breaking up, please disregard...dunno where i had read that))) anyway, awesome lyrics to have come from them...

Others care for you, do you care for them as well?
I have learned that depression comes when our eyes are on ourselves.
Pessimistically you have trained your mind to think.
Life is down, always down because you chained yourself to misery.

So look up, joy in,
Begin to deepen.
To think things humbly, to lock up pride and throw away key.
To think things humbly, to lock up pride and throw away key.
Things always work out you know it’s fine,
but somehow they get complex in our minds
I promise if we’d all serve humbly life would be all right,
I know you’ll see.

got to hear some old favorites like Anberlin too.

word from the now wise...if you are surfing the internet and have your headphones on and decide to listen to a clip of music, remove your headphones and push play, adjust volume accordingly, then put headphones back on.
my brain feels like little kids have been jumping on it.
maybe i'll go to bed early tonite. heh, yeah right.

this page is beginning to look like an advertisement.
which reminds me...
was 10% watching the world series game on TV, some journalist was talking to Tom Hanks and Jimmy Fallon just happened to be at the game...
wouldntcha know, the journalist started asking them questions about their recent and upcoming movies.
blatant advertising, if i do say so myself.
maybe i notice these things more than i used to because of my COM 101 class. picking media apart and looking at how its raping our lives.
coming full circle, here i am promoting all these artists, shoving their media into your faces. i promise i'm not getting paid, if that makes up for anything. meh, i dont think it does.

enough rambling, heres to screwing copyrights and hypocrisy.

*jeez, someone's bitter tonite* maybe its those darn kids jumping on my brain

ca, c'est tout.

Just some promoting...ask me about it. 

my family came all the way down just to visit me! good times

i made some revelations this weekend. no, i'm not kidding. i've connected all my thoughts, and related them to one thing.

self-worth.

i'm still a little confused about it, but things are working in my brain.

it's pretty weird how you can think you know a whole lot, then you realize that there is a lot you don't know. maybe one day i'll realize how much i will never know.

i think time for homework now

WHAT?!?! I didn't post yesterday?!?! Maybe I'm not as OBD as i thought.

went to the gym today, listened to nicoal's The Killer's cd...good workout music. interesting words, but still good.
"somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that i had in february of last year"
yep...but "Somebody told me" is a really good song.

my roomie and i opened up our room again for prospective student tours. I'm never here when they come in, so i wonder if they really do come in our room, but hey we got free donuts this morning!

I'm in a Keane mood today. I'm surprised how much they remind me of MUTEMATH. it seems to be lately that its a one or the other day. and sometimes Snow Patrol. all somewhat similar, emo rock synthsizey vibe...dunno, good stuff.
perhaps this is suggesting some bizarre shoeoemeoeshoememeshome something in my brain.
uh, yeah

random fact for the day according to the BU flip calendar: Male sweat brightens the mood of females.
(Oh yes, this is why I loooooooooved walking thru the gym halls at CHS after the football players finished with practice...YUCK! Where do they get this stuff!?)
random fact for yesterday according to the BU flip calendar (since i *sob* didnt post yesterday!): On average 100 people die each year from choking on a ball-point pen.
(Don't chew your pens kids! It's gross anyway!)

one last thing...a Warning. Please don't watch the "Bedshaped" video by Keane. Just don't. You'll watch it and you will think of it every time you hear the gorgeous, beautiful, amazing song. And it's an ugly video. Stay away!

well, have aboot four hours before the fam gets here, so maybe, just maybe, i'll do some homework. maybe. or i'll go class shopping.

Here is a picture from the Switchfoot concert that i couldn't go to. Rock on tho! 

i believe i am developing OBD.

(((obsessive blogging disorder)))

does this have side effects of talking to oneself? i find myself doing that even more.. :-
have been streaming clips from the new Jimmy Eat World CD...its sounds pretty good...what have YOU heard about it??

now i've completely forgotten why i got back on in the first place...

me ordering a smoothie this morning --

"A strawberry squeeze, please."

trying something new... 

observation...Special K bars no longer come with a cardboard slidey thing to hold it in there. unless i have a DEFECTIVE PACKAGE!!!

ok, so leaps and bounds onto the bandwagon.


Which File Extension are You?

i think that's hilarious! (AND MORE TROUBLE THAN ITS WORTH.)

"reset" is on here for the gazillionth time.

brains fart!!
homework!!

a picture of me and my other gorgeous sister. the gorgeous one is on the left. the doofy one on the right is me! 

freaking awesome.

i just downloaded hello! so now i can share all my pictures with you. if you download it too we can be friends!

so, was freaking out about speech today. went well.
was minorly freaking about french midterm today. went fine.

i actually couldn't sleep last night. that's really strange, I havn't had that problem since i got here.
and fortuneately God woke me up this morning, as i forgot to turn my alarm on.

i really believe drinking a lot of water makes you lose weight and makes you just feel better. yeah, and run to the bathroom every twenty minutes.

HOO-RAY. homework is finally gonna slow down. i can relax. or do stuff that's due later in November.

*blushing* am streaming MUTEMATH again. is fantashtick shtuff.

i feel like writing again.

i am sitting here at my desk, blogging, while my dad and my sister are at a switchfoot concert. boo.

at least day was positive experience.

hehe, ilana i just did it again.

Look at the shirt i bought for my lovely sister for her birthday. YEAH FIF! 

k, i'm a bit freaking out about stuff.
socially, homeworkly, musically.

blah.

mutemath, mutemath, mutemath, mutemath, mutemath

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
There is no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air
Take control "Control"

Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for "Progress"

and look at this one. i can't find anywhere to stream it...and i want to sooo bad
Down on my knees down on my face
You just say its ok
so many days i've thrown away
you just say its ok
i dont think i could ever repay
you're perfect grace, but its ok

its ok, its ok
its ok, its ok
you've become my embrace
just tell me its ok

your precious words intoxicate
a heart that ches; its ok
you dont recall my past mistakes
you just say its ok
this human mind can't calculate
your perfect grace, but its ok

even though you've seen a thousand times
i've let you down
you're always there if i should call your name
you're unashamed, unashamed "OK"

stupid homework

you know you are mature when you can laugh at yourself. you know you are even more mature when you feel comfortable with people laughing at you.

i'm feeling rather comfortable with myself today.

so, i had to go to french class, but first i had to go the cashier's office. i walk out of the dorm building, with about 15 minutes before 3 (class at three). i realize it is raining, thus, i need my new umbrella, no way do i want to ruin my new pink sweater. however, the door with no handle has closed behind me, so i have to walk around the building to the door handle, walk back to my room, only to discover that i put my umbrella is in my backpack.

it gets better.

i go to the cashier's office, cash the check, walk outside. i realize my critical homework is in my dorm room. i swear under my breath, check the clock...2:55. so, i take off back towards the dorm. i call my roomie, asking her to open the no handle door, and she happily is there when i get there. i dash to the room, grab my binder, take a deep breath hearing "uhh, you have two minutes to get to class" and take off, once again, towards french class. it's still raining, and i fear i've broken my brand new umbrella because it won't stay open. luckily for me, i live on a small campus, but Bradley hall is relatively far away, and french class happens to be on the second floor. i finally get there, pinker than my new pink sweater, glasses with raindrops and fog, glistening from perspiration.
"desole'" i say, and take my seat. i open my binder i had grabbed from my room...no homework. i pull out the folder i take everywhere with me...homework present there. so, i had my homework the whole time.

doh

just remember, if something stupid happens to you, its really funny later. at least i think it is.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -- 2 Corinthians 14:16-18

hello!

i am back at school...which means lovely, delicious hi-speed internet. I asked my dad when he would be getting it at home...lemme just say he's the kind of person that will go as long as possible with something that works just fine.

i learned in EHS 120 this morning that me and my peers are known as the "Millenium Generation" (pooksh pooksh...fireworks abound) and we ARE GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD. Just thought I'd let you know.

its a bit worthless for me to try to do some homework now, because, well, my computer is right here and i missed it so much...ok, thats a little sad...

another thing that's really sad is how long it took me to unpack all my stuff last night after i got back. it seriously took an hour...

i heart prepackaged food. today for lunch i heated water and poured a dry tomato soup mix in it (freakin crutons included!!). it tasted fine, but imagine my excitement when i discovered there were three more packages of dry tomato soup mix in the box! WOW!

was listening to the beauty of Keane this weekend...besides having tears streaming down my face, i noticed the lyrics in "Sunshine"

I hold you in my hands
A little animal
And only some dumb idiot
Would let you go
But if I'm one thing
Then that's the one thing
I should know
Can anybody find their home
Out of everyone
Can anybody find their home

GAH! i've only been here for less than four days and i am really getting annoyed with AOL!! i miss my hi-speed....

i agree with ilana when she said that homework is always the original intent of getting on the internet

a note about the last, waaaaaaaaay unsensored post: if we center our worries about what God thinks, then that should be the only thing we should concern ourselves about. this is what i want and hope and pray to think, but there is always that nagging voice telling me that there are so many people out there who are concerned about my image, because in this world it does matter...its so confusing.

and, going a long with self-sensorship...i feel like i expose too much too early...

i figured out why being at home is mildly depressing...it reminds me of summer, yes, a distressing time, but it also seems like i missed out on something, like, a lot of stuff happened while i was gone...how did it go from august to october?? and i'm not really staying here, because in a little bit i have to pack up my clothes again and leave...not like i really unpacked anyway.

ok, more later...@ school

ok. here i am. at home.

there is something mildly depressing about it. maybe because i have to go back to school? maybe because it reminds me of the end of summer? i've been sitting and wondering about it, but that just is pathetic, and i have other things to do.

like homework. which i am currently not doing.

anyway, being at home makes me feel like writing, but i left my journal at school, along with my Bible, which is disappointing. however, my journal being at school is a lame excuse for not writing, i know.

being tired is kinda sucky, it makes me fall asleep at inopportune times, makes me say lame stuff, makes me really not say the right thing (which is a pain anyway), makes me unconversational, and BLAH.

last nite i started reading Job (that would be pronounced "Jobe," and if you dint know that the next sentence is for you). i think you should too. i should also read The Fountainhead again, just because. (maybe over Christmas break)

i did hear a good point made in church on Sunday, that sometimes we are so busy we don't have time to stop and reflect. even though i go on and on about how (over)thinking is annoying and it has to stop, because then i get myself in trouble. it's a balance, Aristotle's flipping Mean. striving for perfection but we never really get there, because we can't. are we supposed to be happy with who we are or change, at least for the better? it's not right to live your life shaped by other people's expectations, but you have to keep their respect because they inevitably form opinions about you which dictate how they think of you and what kind of person you are...
...err, perfection. they talked about that in church, too, now that i remember. we cant be perfect. we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't. maybe its our society that pushes us to be like that. but we can't just be happy with the way we are. i don't know. its just recently i don't understand how we are supposed to be happy and content with ourselves, when the way we are is mediocre and we were meant to live better than that. we shouldn't change to please other people, but to please ourselves....but how selfish is that. we're around people who have to put up with us everyday, and maybe they even enjoy that, but if we think and feel and are really "good" we take this into consideration and change to please the people we love, because we really DO CARE.
it is kind of funny how you know when you do stuff wrong, so you know you don't do that again, but when you do something right you can't always tell, so it goes unnoticed, and when it comes to do something similar you aren't even sure what is right or wrong, so you can go and do it wrong. i wonder what things i have been doing right my whole life, because they haven't been causing me any problems. perhaps drinking water? no wait, there have been times when i've gotten somewhat dehydrated. so maybe its good if we're all a bunch of f-ups after all.

if you can't tell, i'm in the states of confusion and minnesOta. (wouldn't it be cool if "confusion" was spelled "konfyoozun?") maybe i have to go back to school to figure myself out, but i'm here at home where i can supposedly gather myself and slip back into the good ol' minnesOta dialect. it's kinda like Garden State (which by the way comes out in 77 days on DVD; check ilana's blog often) but we all know that it really isn't.

The Snake The Cross The Crown is one high quality band, and they don't even have a real website yet. Don't you feel in the loop now??

the point i think i was trying to make has been lost within itself, whatever that means.

ok, i really think its time to get off the internet now.

recently i've had thoughts of selfishness again. and if you know me, you know that i really struggle with selfishness. it's like i can't come up with a solution, and i have to settle for complacency. which, isn't really a conclusion at all. so, maybe thats why its an ongoing struggle. perhaps it isn't all bad, because it keeps me in check.

i really hate twisted self-evaluation.
yeah, its necessary.
heh, since i always complain about how i don't know who i am...

this is annoying

its exciting beyond belief...just scroll down and look on the right!! a relient k link!! its so pretty you just can't help yourself from clicking on it!! hurrah! and i wore my relient k shirt today!! and got more comments. and i'm wearing my red shoes. i dont think a day can get much better.

i'm ready to go home, at least for a little bit.

its really awesome to have friends that will listen to you complain about stuff, and show you that things are really better than you think they are. and for that, i am really thankful and indebted.

check out the MUTEMATH link to the right. you wont be disappointed.

btw, check the updates at www.mmhmm.com

i figured something out about myself today. apparently i talk to myself. of course, maybe this isn't something i should be telling YOU.

i love it how i have so much homework! civ test and french project and com project and music appreciation test and civ paper -- all due within the next week 'n a half! however, i will get the reward of going home! maybe i wont have tons of homework then!!

i think this means i will have to be productive this weekend. if you see me online, tell me to get off. well, not until you've conversated with me ;-)

its somewhat depressing to stay up late and see the names on your buddy list fade to gray, indicating that all of your friends are in bed and you are not. then to distract yourself from homework and going to bed like your other friends, you can read from their infos that indeed, they are all sleeping.
sometimes with AIM i feel a bit like a stalker. however, i wont voluntarily go back to AOL.

i have gotten so sick of wearing my glasses every day (because of allergies). so i decided last night i would do away with them today, and go for the contacts. it figures; five minutes after i wake up this morning i sneeze a humungous sneeze. in spite of myself, i wore my contacts anyway.
i'm sure you were all DYING to know that.

i thought i had escaped the television behind my head sucking thoughts from my head, but i haven't. a perilous cubs game is currently on. quite loud. perhaps because i turned my music on?
i wont say anything else...

ive been craving ska music today. oc supertones has been easing this, with help from FIF. what a wonderful day.

time for an hour of homework ba-fore dinner. *takes deep breath*

well, it happened again.

time for homework now.

i'm feeling a bit annoyed right now. not because of this...

last night i woke up at 4:40 to the sounds of guitar coming from outside my window. It was awful sounding, and so loud, so i got up to see what the heck was going on. There was a guy sitting out there on a bench, strumming away on his guitar, singing "Screaming Infedelities." and he wasn't even that good. then i go back to bed, and he launches into another song, and by the time i go back to the window there are two people sitting on the ground listening to him play. I go back three minutes later and there are more people sitting around him listening to him play. I closed the window.
i'm assuming they were all drunk, because i'm thinking no college student would soberly do that. but it was so stupid and unreal that i can't help thinking it was a dream. and look at the time! 4:40...thats really late or really early, an incomprehensable time.

strange times

ok...i've been getting a bit of a preview of Relient K's new album. Wonderful thing i wore my Relient K shirt today. I never go a day wearing it without getting complements. But thats not the point. go to www.mmhmm.com and be amazed. check out the relient k website too, off to the right here.

the song on mmhmm.com is "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

i think its really amazing how much i love relient k. they say exactly what i feel.

alex was wondering...what exactly is whackspoetic?

so, now is due time, i believe.

"Whackspoetic" is derived from the term "wax poetic," which, according to an idiom website, is "become poetic, begin to recite poems."

Also, "Wax is also an intransitive verb. In one sense it means to increase, as in the moon waxes full this evening, and in another sense to pass into a mood or state. In the latter sense we can understand the phrase wax poetic (or eloquent, lyrical, philosophical or sarcastic) and this raises doubt about its status as an idiom, i.e., it can be taken literally"

i was thinking about naming my blog "wax poetic" but someone already took the that name, and they have only published ONCE. in a way, I'm glad, because i like the uniqueness of "whackspoetic"...isn't it wonderful how things always work out?!?!

Anyways, i was tossing around the idea of "wax poetic" to my sister and she had never heard the name before and she thought i mean "whack." so i thought that was a good idea, and out comes WHACKSPOETIC!!!!

i went to look at my blog, just checking up on it, and i heard a voice that told me to blog. so here i am.

i deserve a ribbon or something for being an official college student. i was up until...haha, i wont tell you. refocusing a paper on sophocles instead of socrates. it was bad...but it wasnt that bad. ok, so it was really bad when i realized my mistake at one a.m.

i had COM 101 test today, which i think i actually did well on, and i got done early! happily talked to ilana, and i did take my nap...much longer than i anticipated, but hey i was up until...haha, gotcha.

then whilst walking to dinner, still half asleep, i realized i have a speech test tomorrow. greeeeat...

realized to an even greater extent today that people are gonna like you more if you are real. its like the less you try, the more people notice. well, in that aspect anyway. yeah.

have been thinking about it, and maybe i dont really want to know who is reading my blog. casey says probably more than i think, and then i think, maybe not a lot. but anyway, i check my own blog all the time and hardly ever leave comments. and it is on the internet, which only about four billion people have access to.
oooowweeeoooweeeooo, i'll leave the shroud of mystery cascading over my blog...

oprah was on whilst i was drifting away into a lovely nap, and i was somewhat disgusted. there was a guy from Sex and the City and he wrote a book about how if your guy doesnt do this, then he is JUST NOT INTO YOU. and all these ladies gave him examples, and wouldncha know it, he told them that the men in their lives were JUST NOT INTO THEM. i got the impression that because men dont have lives of their own, and if they really like us, then they have to devote every single breath to us womens. if not, then he is JUST NOT INTO US, and us, being freewheeling and ambitious female individuals need to stop this, stop wasting our time with men who (oh, jeez, here we go again) ARE JUST NOT INTO US and become single!! and happy!! because we are independent!!! and they are not willing to be dependent!!!
I AM JUST NOT INTO THIS!!! what a load of crap.
its definitely taking things at face value. there is no digging deeper at all.
however, i have noticed about females that we really really REALLY like to pick things apart and give every possible reason and explanation and blame other people and ourselves (but not that often). there is one big analyzation fest, and women usually end up really sad and depressed and...alone.
i've also come to realize that sometimes in certain social situations, i find i dont say the right thing. fifteen minutes later, nine hours later, three days later, i come up with something that i REALLY should have said. but i cant do anything about it. my point here is, if i cant say or do the right thing all the time, why should i expect everyone else to?
And, maybe this being my most important point, NOTHING will be like you think it will be. you can sit and analyze and plan and predict and reason and think of every possibility, then when the time comes, you realize that it was nothing like you expected at all.
(that would be GOD)

alright, time for studying for speech test.

look at my sister's pretty pic...



and i can't comment on her page! boo...

from a page about the history of video games; a link...

"Willy Higinbotham's "Tennis for Two" computer game
John Anderson relates a story about Willy's game that he played with. Beware: this article contains mistakes, which have been corrected."

i read a great quote awhile ago that its really boring to have nothing to do, but its utterly fantastic when you have tons of stuff to do and you aren't doing it!!!!

I feel fantastic!!

I'm not tired either! and its past one a.m. does it get any better?? and i'm listening to switchfoot! i may just die of disbelief cuz its CRAZY!

i really wonder how many people get this site from my profile. you there, the one sitting at the computer, tell me RIGHT NOW that you're here!
then you can tell me what a bad college student i am and how freaking crazy i am!!

and for all my longtime readers...lots of love.
i'm listening to Chem 6A...now i feel like a person who doesn't try. its just so hard. i need to take advantage of the library. and my empty bed.

see you at the pole!!

7:00 a.m. here!

www.syatp.com

well, here is post number 114...one that i said should be a special special post. funny thing that today is september 14th, and thats my little sister's birthday! so i guess today is a special day! she's got one more year until she turns freaking 13, so, thats just weird. it makes me feel old. and i heard that from older people when i was a kid, and here i am saying it, which makes me feel even older...

GAH i want a bath! so i can sit and shave my legs!! i hate doing it in the showers!

anyway...

its so freaking hot here. seriously, the last time it was this hot was three weeks ago. thats the summertime, dears! bah! this is what i get for moving south...

worship@fullvolume was the best night yet. dcb "O Praise Him"...most amazing... its hard to do dcb songs if you're not david crowder himself...but it was sooo good, and they did it twice! and "here i am to worship," which despite being popular, is still really really good.

bah, now for more sweating and homework. double yuck

ok, so normally i am not immensely patriotic, but i just realized what day it was when i clicked to make a new post. and i probably wouldn't be typing this if there was no United States. free speech!

i could go on and on about how much homework i had this week, but even I am tired of hearing myself complain about it.

the last two days have been...interesting. it's been a double sided coin, but i'm moving on past the "meeting people" phase.

i went to a 70s party last night for Cru...felt kind of bad because there weren't tons of people, but when the modeling of 70's attire started, i would have not liked to be anywhere else. cru people are cool people!

hurrah! am expecting Sanctus Real CD in the mail soon. "say it loud..."

UGH FLONASE

here it is, almost 10:30, and i believe i may be one of three people awake on my floor. oh well, i'll go to the gym now. it's been awhile...

one last thing: does anyone know what the heck the search entry field is for at the top of the page? i've typed words in and i get no results.

stupid statistic of the day--

"91% of Americans said they are more likely to fall in love with someone who is registered to vote than someone who isn't"
--match.com

get out there and vote people! then you'll meet your soul mate!

oh dear i feel awful. that's the last time i use my saved "brb" away message when i have to leave really quick and i dont have the spontaneous combustion in my head to form a more creative one and then not come back for five hours. sorry to all those who...well, it's not like i'm the only person in the world.

ohmigosh its soooooooooo hot. and my toolbar says its only 71 degrees.
aha! maybe it is the heat generated from my vivicarious saturday night life!
ahem, if that were so, it would be about 30 degrees cooler. minus the humidity.

HA! finally got the almighty Gondola sandwich tonight from Avanti's. it was absolutely heavenly.

i got more pictures in the mail today. hurrah! i just...just...love getting pictures! to hang on my wall! i could up it to "wallpaper" level by the end of the year!
AND i got M&M's in the mail! how cool is that?!

i realized tonight that feelings of lonliness are felt by everyone. which, then, are they really feelings of lonliness? i mean, hey, part of the feeling of lonliness is the feeling that you are, well, alone, with no one to relate to. however, if everyone is lonely, then BAM you've got common ground. however, i really have yet to meet anyone who starts off a conversation with, "so, are you lonely?" ok, maybe when you sulk to those you know, but not to anyone you've never met before. and that's what people have to do right now, is meet new people.
ok, now i'm confusing myself, so i'm just going to shut up.

but, speaking of new and confusing, i have never met so many "becky's" and "becca's" in my whole freakin life. i know more rebecca-spectrum names here than i knew katie's at home, which is really saying a lot.

readers at home are now saying, "uh...i think it's time for her to go to bed so she can go to church in the morning..."
and i so totally agree. however, not before i say that confessionsofateenagedramaqueen wasn't half-bad of a movie, albeit corny, and high fedelity is quite good, even after seeing it 2, or rather 1.5 times. which leads me to the point that i hate falling asleep while watching movies.
goodnite!!!!!!!!!

i have to save my money now.

Relient K AND Newsboys--new albums NOVEMBER 2ND

now, this has got to be one of the most desirable places for a college student: one class tomorrow, no homework for class tomorrow.
maybe it doesn't seem like it to you, but it is to me.

so, here i am just sitting here. i could read my speech textbook, or write a paper, or...ok, now i'm getting depressed. what a horrible feeling...good feeling gone.

because i am in two communications classes, i am learning essentially the same things. the same terms, the same concepts. its a bit confusing. however, the main purpose of each class is COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT. not just for COM majors, my dears, but for every single day of your life.
how ironic that i have both of these classes when i am realizing the importance of it all.

anyways...

WARNING

you actually DO have to study in college. even if the teacher gives you questions and objectives then you find them in your text and take notes, you will STILL fail unless you review and review and quiz and review some more.

hurrah! i reviewed and reviewed and quizzed and reviewed!

needless to say, it was much harder than i expected, but its good. because now i know what to expect?!?!?!?!?!?

hooray! i got a card in the mail from home. snailmail is one of life's greatest happinesses. especially when it has pictures of friends in it. and money. and from your mom!

oh, follow up from earlier today. the class i had to scoot over to was for us special students because i dont know my major. and we took personal inventory quizzes. seriously, i now know more about myself than i ever really wanted to know (if thats possible?) and it isn't really even that interesting of stuff. ("why yes, i would like the job of a personal fitness instructor." "NO I dont think i would like slicing a chest open""of course i would enjoy a smoke free work environment.")
but, i guess when you figure out the stupid, obvious stuff, and you set down ground of what you do and do not like in 7+ personal inventories, you can begin to focus on what you really like and want to do.
this is confusing to me, because i came here with a few "leaning towards" majors, but after i took some quizzes it pointed out a few other things that i might be better at. it shouldn't be this confusing, because i already knew i was good at it. HOO-RAH
eventually it will all work out, because i'm all about the floating on.
but now i have GOALS!! and HOMEWORK!!!!! and a roomie with a BOYFRIEND!!!!

soooo
apparently college is different from high school. well, duh, but the aspect i'm talking about is that pretty much everyone is as smart or smarter than YOU (well, ME, but i hate pronouns). there are not many whocares, everybody was pretty much involved in the same stuff as me, they got good grades, they "care" about school. they think, they colloquiate, they have finely tuned ideals.

not that there is wrong with any of that, but i'm still adjusting.

another thing, if you really dont feel like doing anything, do laundry. because you can sit at your desk and mess around with your music library, "scan" your textbooks, drink mango juice, throw your rubber band ball around...but HEY! you did a load of laundry that took an hour and fifteen minutes and you only needed to check on it twice but HEY! its DONE! and you've accomplished something!

was minorly FREAKED OUT in my university studies class. we had to guess what our mid-term GPA would be, so i guess about a 3.8 (hey not perfect because of French; also, i am an imaginer but i like to think i'm realistic). then they put up an overhead of past university studies students' mid-term GPA. the highest average was about 2.7. GAH! is college really this hard? or is it just going to take lots and lots of thought and time?!? i have my first "exam" so to speak today...huh.

another thing you need to to to survive in college is go to class, which is what i must do right now. its my...uh, never mind, i have to go