i need to find more efficient ways to spend my time. that way i can have fun and do homework.

that's like the fifth time i've griped about that here.

woke up late today, approx 8:30 for a 9am class, so looked at the alarm clock that had been playing for about 45 minutes, swore, still laid in bed, got up and made several decisions as to how to get ready so i didnt look like a big greasebag (all to no avail) ate 3/4 of my granola bar breakfast (the 1/4 i forgot about) did kinda one of those "this is as good as its gonna get" looks in the mirror, and headed out to class.

however, even though i did look like a big greasebag, it probably doesn't really even matter. no one is going to hold going to class sans shower against me. i mean, seriously.

however, this misfortune has now caused me to rethink my day's plans. i had to do laundry, which is washing right now. and i still have to go to the gym, shower, library and WRITE this paper, class at 2 (and boy i better not forget about it because its very likely).

foo. whatever...i think my plan of sticking clothes in dryer then going to gym shall work.

me yesterday at brunch:
"i think its really cool how in 'stairway to heaven' jimmy page plays a twelve string guitar."
*polite nods*
"ehh, you guys dont really care"
*laughs*

which is fine. i'll just obsess elsewhere.

all these songs i've been listening to lately have been really long, but oddly, not long enough.

time to tackle January 31, 2005, take two..

so, i feel better now.

for some reason, it was really difficult getting up yesterday. maybe it was knowing i had to get up for geology.
and i'm really annoyed with my professor in that class.

anyway, i went to cru last nite, which was really good.

and i've just realized i dont know where anything is that i supposedly brought back from that last nite.

uhh, anyways, matt wertz was playing in the student center for a huge crowd, so i stopped to listen afterwards. i didnt know anything he was playing, much less the words, but God, he played with soul. so i came back to my room, and found some of his songs over the iTunes network, and with a selection of 11 songs, came to love him.
musically speaking, of course.

i've started to develop a tentative birthday list. its always hard for me to get started on those sorts of things, but once i do, i run (no, gallop) with it.
however, since Big Break looks like a really fun time (and just after my birthday), i'm hoping i can just ask for a few cd's and money for the trip.

and by the way, i have a new cousin!! i'm expecting pictures, and maybe i'll put one up. just maybe.

well now its time for me to go off to lunch, braving the cold. i am not as shivery as many other people. i'd like to think its my minnesota hardiness. REPRESENT!

'Cause good things come easily and good things go
Feelings are these feelings I'm feeling
So I can't let the joy be depending on the sunrays
Oh, somedays

It's already getting better -matt wertz

so, some people are frustrating.
and for the record, i'm most likely not referring to anyone who is reading this.
*sigh* its probly me anyways

anyway, i've been slowly but surely preparing for my upcoming paper. on selfishness, and Hume.
MY PAPER!
the western civ. book is not completely boring at this point, which is good. and i went thru Hume's document and picked it apart paragraph by paragraph, so i understand it, and can draw some conclusions.
its contradictory in its own way to what i'm supposed to believe, but at the same time makes a lot of sense, and i found myself relating somewhat to it. old, dusty thoughts, but relatable nonetheless

so, now off of the subject that you probably were not familiar with in the first place.

today was a significant day for a significant reason. i wore my star sweater.
i think in the two years that i've owned this sweater i've worn it about three or four times. just because of the way that it fits. but i wore it today, and i really liked the way it felt. and i didnt feel like changing at three o'clock this afternoon.
maybe its this gym confidence. dunno.

i've found myself listening a lot to Teitur today. very beautiful and pure and acoustic.
right now i'm listening to Gratitude. "Last" was my favorite song at first, but now i think i'm partial to "Drive Away."
mmmboy does that taste good. it brings me joy.
i also really need to get more into damien rice. which could bring me back to my first point, but said point is like a cd player with no headphones...utterly pointless.

have i made my point?

hahaha...

goodnite from your starred, headphoneless, selfish becky.

well, i thought i'd get a step ahead of the blog police.

i think i should bring food to class with me on tuesdays and thursdays, so i dont become a food vacuum when i get back to my room at 1:15. ehhh, not good

i've started going to the weight room. yessss...watch out, maybe i'll beatchu up.

my new artist infatuation has continued at an unhealthy rate. personally discovered the band Gratitude, which made me quite pleased.
ahhh!!!

american idol on tonite. cool, cool beans.
imagine making a COMPLETE and utter fool of yourself in front of 66 million people. that takes more guts than actually being a good singer.

my roomie figured out how to open our room window, which is fantastic so its not a million bazillion degrees in here. and its a gorgeous day, about in the 40s.
feels like springtime!

however, i'm looking at my calendar, and seeing its only january. this is a good thing, because i would have had a question as to if we had missed my birthday.
but anyway, the BU flip calendar fact of the day is "At least 2 people die each year from a vending machine falling on them." Don't let yourself be one of these, people!

oh right. i have this blog. the blog police have been at me. alex must have joined their ranks.
hypocrite!
teehee...
only, joking, of course, alex :-)

so, in the past week i started my second semester of college. nothing really exciting. i moved back into my cozy room, and it seems like i almost never left. you know, the same feeling i had when i went home for break.

well now its a very thirsty thursday, however, i am sitting here drinking my own beverage of tea. which i think i drank too fast. brb.

ok, have returned. classes resumed wednesday and i must say it should be an interesting semester of education. interesting as in there is much to learn. highlights include a geneology paper in civ, hyperactive geology professor, and teacher math.

also referred to as ETE 107, in this class we get assignments in a rather large, spiral bound book, accompanied by various colored polygons and tens and hundreds counters and spinners. my assignment, due tuesday, involved making patterns with the colored polygons and describing why the pattern continued the way it did.
sounds simple, but believe me, it is not.
the heartbreaker was when my professor said, "if you got A's in high school math, then this course will be difficult for you"
shoot. oh well, will try.

the strangest thing has happened to me for the past few nites. i couldnt fall asleep. last semester i think this happened to me a total of two times, MAYBE three. but twice in a row??? hmm....
i know, i know. you are saying that i'm a lazy ass and need to get to the gym and work it. well, "heck yes i have." but the lines (yes, LINES) in our absurdly small cardio room are so ridiculously long i dont care to think about it.
well, actually, today i got on the bike, bypassing the approximately six females that were waiting for approximately six ellipticles (sp?), and pedaled for twenty minutes, and got bored, so left, but was still feeling it. good sign, perhaps??

a few more things. i've been on this gotta-find-bands-i've-never-heard-of-before craze. its been insane, seriously. and purevolume has become my new favorite website. FRICKIN FREE DOWNLOADS!! FROM NEW BANDS!!! i have definitely found some awesome stuff.
and all of this new music has been playing on my WINAMP!! yes, my friends have rubbed off on me, and i will too declare the greatness of winamp. i still heart iTunes tho.

and finally, look at angie's new site. she's on freakin blogger. and it took far too long to set it up, but it is in top shape now!!

i think i'm a better person for this. and i made my point without saying it.

i need to not think so much about stuff and just do it...and i've figured out that i haven't.

but nothing that a little Lifehouse (holy crap!!), Relient K, and classic rock can't sooth.

back to school soon...mmm delicious hi-speed internet. and i have to start packing. i have been home foreverrrrrrrrr

and take a look at mr. leonard below...woohoo i was reading something i wrote from a year ago this afternoon...mentioning him...*sob*

hahahaha...

ohhhhhhhhhhhh brendan leonard, how i miss your show!!!
Posted by Hello

i think i'll finally say it. hate me if you want.

as Christians, we are supposed to live our lives in accordance to what God has told us to do. all in preparation for what comes after our lives are over.
so we spend our whole lives doing everything that is asked of us by God. and they are good things, for sure. the way He has instructed us to live does not usually put us in dead-end situations. and of course, it's important that we do what He wants because He gave us life and everything in it.
lemme say that again...he gave us LIFE.

sometimes i get the feeling that we're supposed to be living for our death.

why would He give us life to begin with then?
i see that some of the joys we find on earth pale to those in heaven. which is understandable, because heaven will probably be a pretty great place. but does that mean we can't enjoy the life that we have been given on earth? the song that blows our mind, the thrill of doing something new, the joy found in friends, the ability to THINK...

i might not know a lot, but i KNOW God loves his followers. He grieves when we reject Him, and He saved us all, and gave us Life.

doesn't it make sense, then, that we find the beauty in our frustrations and happinesses, passions, opportunities, failures? that we test our limits, and realize we've done something wrong when we do...but if it was right, oh how we'll feel so alive.
and if we realize the beauty of every breath we take, just think of what lies beyond life.
and if you see that sentence as demolishing everything i've said up to this point, please don't.
after all, life does stink, a lot, and there's so much that pressures and beats us. but i think without that we wouldn't know the good things, and to me, there's a certain incredibleness to it all.

On the other hand, and for sure, we can't rely on happiness from objects. because they're tangible, we can make them.
but the lessons, relationships, feelings, we get from life on earth must have some value somewhere.

i'm not claiming to know the right Christian view, by any means, if such a thing is known to any human. but we're on this planet for a reason, and we're saved for a reason.

i think i'm at a point that i've seen enough people and how faith is in their lives. now i have to see how its in mine.

don't close your eyes
this is your life
-switchfoot

fwabbba fweeb booda ba, bar beeba fwuh de fweeda.

thats about how much sense i've been making in the past twenty four hours.

its a good thing, then, that i've done more listening. i've been going through the music that has been at my disposal that i haven't taken full listening advantage of, and reevaluating it. perhaps i am doing this in some subconscious desire to find some part of my life that is not yet alive.

whatever, i have found a new appreciation for Jason Mraz and this song...
the remedy
is the experience
this is a dangerous liason
and the comedy
is that its serious
its a strange enough new play on the words
the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
the rest of your nights with the lights on
so shine the light on all of your friends
cuz it all amounts to nothing in the end...

so, what i got out of that is that what makes it alright is perhaps the previous experience knowing that it turned out just fine. and its a completely serious matter, but its funny how it turned out. despite the humor in humanity, don't worry about it, and let all your friends know.

so, yeah.
i also listened to alanis morissette alot, and swallowed Jagged Little Pill as just that. dont know what i think about it all yet, but all i know was that it felt good.

what am i trying to do, kick myself back to eleventh grade??

at least i can finally go to the Catholic church without getting angry. even though i don't understand it, i have accepted that i don't have to anyway and God loves that church as much as any.

but Lord, everyone is so right and at the same time so wrong

we were laughing at the stars
while our feet clung tight to the ground
so pleased with ourselves
for using so many verbs and nouns
but we were all just
dumb, dumb, dumber than the
dirt, dirt, dirt on the ground

hello. my name is becky, with a lowercase b, and i have a problem.

it all started last march, when i started my blog.

i have noticed strong desires to tell the world what i am thinking, share the songs that are going through my head, and while i'm away from my computer, formulating what to put on my blog next.

it's caused me to lose sleep, unfocus my attention, not do my homework, and embarrass myself. and have a damn good time!!

so, i will finally acknowledge the fact that my blog looks different. i have a feeling that its become something like a huge piece of lettuce stuck in someone's teeth. its there, staring you in the face, but you don't know what to say, and its hard to pretend that its not there. so, here it is. i guess it was just time for a change.

and speaking of blog changes, you'll notice that some of my friends' blogs are different as well. so i'm not the only one.

and i was thinking about being more censored this year, so to speak. i don't know how much i'll follow that because the rantingness of my blog is what makes it intriguing to read.
and there i go attempting to make myself look good. ow ow.

seriously, i think i'm going to go to bed at 9:30 pm tonite. anything to make this sick feeling go away.

and you're right, Ilana, despite the insanity of the past 21 days, i don't think i would have changed a thing. it was so great seeing you again.

its been an interesting past thirty hours.

at any rate, i don't know where i'm going, and i can guess where i've been. so i guess it makes sense to think about everything and make it a philosophy. and hopefully when i get somewhere i can turn around and see my current mediocre attempt at life as footsteps in the right direction.

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
--keane