grrr....blogger, why do you do this to me?!

then again, listening to negative thoughts from other people can make you feel negative yourself. i guess experience, maturity, and positive thinking can help you distinguish what is positive and what is negative. its entirely possible to think what other people are thinking is right, then you realize your mistake. but sometimes saying out loud what you believe, or what you think you believe, helps you distinguish. because has it ever happened to you that you couldn't figure something out, then you said it out loud, and suddenly it was clearer? and then maybe when it was clearer, you realized that wasn't exactly what you thought you were thinking. it could have been finding the answer to a math problem, or what to think about a friend who is doing/saying something you are not sure to support them or not, or growing up and discovering what your beliefs are and how you are willing to stand up for them, and figuring out why you have those beliefs.

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

so, finally got to buy the Switchfoot CD/DVD. v. awesome.

got an iPod for graduation. is very sweet, and am currently downloading a ridiculous amount of song info from the internet to add to iTunes for my copied CD's on my new computer so i can purchase a firewire adapter to put songs on my iPod. (is all rather confusing, but so cool, is worth it)

went to orientation and had fun, tested into 300 level french (?!?) and signed up for classes. Quite interesting when you don't know what the heck you want to do. However, all is good, and i only have one class on friday that ends by 10.

my little bird died thursday, while i was gone. at least she is not in pain anymore. she was the closest thing to an angel that i ever saw. it's strange, she was so much a part of my daily routine, i always open my room door and expect to see her tiny black eyes watching me or i'll be sitting on my bed, thinking i hear a tinkling of her bell or the taptaptap of her little feet on her cage bars.
i also couldn't get over the irony of her, me, and the past year. but maybe i might talk about that later.

I learned something this week, that I'm glad was pointed out to me. At orientation, they kept telling me that though it will be tough to leave my friends, if they are true friends, they will never fade away. I guess that is somewhat placed on my contribution as well, but its so true. Even after an absence, true friends will always be there.

Sometimes if you think something, you don't believe it until someone else says it. Or if you think something, and you never hear anyone say it, maybe you are lying to yourself. Refusing to believe yourself, when speaking in negative terms, can be good. After all, you can be your own worst enemy. Self-Disillusionment -- don't get lost, please.

GAH!

interesting day. for several reasons.

I did pretty much absolutely nothing today (ah-ha...you are thinking that my preamble is a LIE!! HAHAHA!). I laid on my bed and listened to Modest Mouse and LaRue. I took a shower at about 1:30. Lunch consisted of breakfast at 11:00 and crackers at 4:30. I went on a bike ride (on my **Brand**New**Bike**). Chatted online. Yep, that's pretty much it.

A very strange part of the day is that I keep thinking it is Monday. Not your normal "it feels like a Monday," no, my dears, to me, it actually is Monday. Imagine my suprise when I opened the front door and I saw the weekend paper. Or discovered I didn't have to work tonight. Or I don't have to leave town tomorrow, because I leave on TUESDAY. GAHH!! Is driving me bonkers!! No matter how many times I am reminded that it is Saturday, I keep thinking it is Monday!!

Another thing--v. interesting mail. For instance, a letter from JANE magazine. If I respond, I could get SIX whole issues for free, (but wait, there's more!!) AND a FREE BAG!!! Does it get ANY better than that!?! oh yes...in JANE magazine, they will tell me things like what pickup lines REALLY work, the best makeout positions for airline lavatories, how to get a hot butt without lifting a finger, what it's like to work in a clothing-optional office, and about a woman whose "only crime was loving a racist boyfriend." (because, you know, "JANE knows when to get serious about issues that matter.")

Mastercard also sent me an approval piece of mail -- yes, I am approved for a mastercard credit card. And they even included it in the mail--er, actually, its a fake one that looks real! Even plastic! Someone stupid (oh, not me) would have brought it to a store and attempted to buy something. And some people are stupid enough that they might even be able to get away with it. But that stupid someone was not me -- i was tipped off by the number...who has a credit card number 123456789? BAH

anyway, am going (mini) golfing today...gotta bust out my five iron...

They say "eh?" instead of "what?" or "duh!"
that's the mighty power of Canada!!

--FIVE IRON FRENZY "Canada"

yogurt is alive.

"On Distant Shores" gives me goosebumps.

...optimistic, Becky, be optimistic...

I've watched my dreams all fade away
And blister in the sun
Everything I've ever had is unraveled and undone
I've set upon a worthless stack
Of my ambitious plans
And the people that I've loved the most
Have turned their backs and ran

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms

Loneliness has left me searching
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness

What good would it be
If you had everything
But you wouldn't have
The only thing you need

--"Good Life" Audio Adrenaline

hooray! no more orange! thanks alex!

woohoo!

please excuse the horribly ugly orange at the top of the screen. I'm still trying to figure out where I can change it.

so. i feel like i should blog.

i can't believe that people actually asked me, "so are you sad about graduating?"

what i say--"yes"

what i wish i'd say--"oh, no. i'm perfectly happy about leaving all my incredible friends, going to a brand new place where i don't know anyone, leaving my family who have been "home," having a future that doesn't seem to exist, and having the possibility of failing miserably."

what the hell are you thinking, people? haven't you ever graduated before? OF COURSE its sad.

anyways, listened to FIF and Modest Mouse today. Five Iron Frenzy is so amazing, and Modest Mouse sounded ethereal, which is how i felt today.

I'm afraid to pull out the BraveSaintSaturn or Switchfoot. I'll start to cry. But maybe i should, so i'm not so angry.

going back to that word, Ethereal. it means intangible, immaterial. ether is an anesthetic. dull, can't be felt or seen.
what's happening? don't I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning and go to school and see my friends like I do every day...every day...

then i have to scold myself. grow up, Becky, see it--it's over

oh blah.

it's raining a lot today. and it doesn't all seem like rain. it's all just falling from the sky. falling. falling.

so graduation is tomorrow.

cleaned my room. i think i should feel more accomplished than i do.

felt really pissed off this afternoon. no viewable reason, was just angry.

listen to modest mouse. but they're weird. there, i warned you.

huh. bought Modest Mouse's Good News for People who love Bad News.

holy crap. its so good.

you should listen to Modest Mouse's "Float On." not really lyrically inspiring, as pretty much all the lyrics are "float on," but it is a really cool song; i like to listen to it.



so i went to Sam's Club today, and my little sister wanted to know if they had this kind of book. my mom goes up to this guy who works there and asks him about it. he's holding a few copies of the book 1000 places to go before you die and he just looks at her and says, "uh, well...its my first day...so...yeah...if we don't have it out i guess we don't have it." then he turns around and puts 1000 places... back on the shelves as i see the "Hi! Have a question?...I can help!!" on the back of his Sam's Club vest.

so, i intended to sleep in this morning. but i had a weird dream that i...well, never mind. but apparently my body thinks "sleeping in" is "8:30".

and what happened to my room? wasn't it just clean?

I'm tired. I don't know if its from doing lots of stuff or not doing stuff I'm supposed to (ie, cleaning)

sounds like i missed a good time tonite!

I could get used to this whole idea of summer. You know, 85 degree temps, tank tops, NO FREAKIN HOMEWORK.

open houses are a lot of fun. was fun day. i mean weekend. i have learned to ration food intake, which is good.

should be an interesting week.

ok, so if you make the window large enough, the links will appear on the right.

so today was the last day. I think I'm sad, but my brain feels dead. Denial? perhaps. all i seem to know is that something is happening and all i can do is cry and zone out and smile and cry and sit and stare and cry and feel terrified. words i need to say, want to say, don't come. my head hurts, i feel unintentionally annoying for reasons unknown to me. i feel like i should be doing something...i can't think, i can't reason why i can't figure anything out.

Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
-theonetheonlyswitchfoot

GAHHH!!! IT WORKED!!! IT WORKED!!!

however illegal it is, and however annoying now that my links are now at the bottom of the page, oh but look how COOL Switchfoot is and it worked!!!

ok, here goes...something

well the test picture didnt work. oh well. but i did get the links off to the right to line up better. hooray!

Well now isn't this a monumental occasion. Apparently this is my 50th blog! Ever since the end of March, I believe. Woo, I love my blog. :-*

So, yes, here it is, 6:24 in the morning. Thought i had an important email that i could not check last night, but it wasn't the important email that i thought it was.

um, two days left. nuff said

feeling, well, dont want to say apathetic because its not entirely true. but perhaps i can say it if i talk about school. and all the academic thingies. i come home from school, talk on IM, eat, go to work, come home, go to bed. my mom is worried. i guess i look like Strongsad or something.

anyway, Sonshine tix are in the mail!

oh woop gotta go

boo...have big "in class" project in geography. but will not complain to much, as found out today that I actually don't have to take the keyboarding final.

if you could draw a symbol for each year of high school, what would they be? i could prolly come up with four, but they would require explanations that i dont want to get into, so i'll keep them in my head. you may as well. just something to think about...

I get to make dinner on my Magic Spinning Pizza Oven. it is so cool.

good luck to all my friends. this may be a challenging week.

Had this song in my head today. Where was it a few weeks ago? Here's a portion.

"Pierced" by Audio Adrenaline

Make me
Take me
Break me
I am pierced
Make me
Take me
Break me
I am pierced

Though I am wounded
And unworthy
I am selfish and untrue
But You are holy
You're the healer
You forgave me
And made me new
You made me new