What a weekend. I got plenty of time to myself. And a pleasant bit of time when I needed a break from myself.

But sometimes I feel sad. Heehee, a "which came first, the music or the misery thing"??

I'm reading this book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which I like. It's an odd book; but I do admire some aspects of it, two distinctly. One, it realizes beauty and tragedy in the smallest things. Death, returning, love, and oh yes, the people. Oskar, a 9yr old boy, is constantly trying to think of things to keep those he loves safe. Also, the book dares to think beyond what you think you should. Its like overthinking, but its not about the thoughts, its more like thinking about overthinking. Like a desperation to make sense of each crummy reality thrown your way, your only hope fleeting thoughts. But no matter what you think about thinking, somebody who is dead is dead, and love uniquely exists in each unique individual, without explicable reason or logic.
And that's what I like about it.

I hope that dumb insomnia does not come back. I've resorted to just staying up late to avoid it. If I think about it, I am slightly tired, but maybe not. It's more like "just one more" to these songs I'm listening to.

Magnetic Fields "Nothing Matters When We're Dancing"
One of the best love songs ever. I want close my eyes and dream, and be in that place that can't be described.

The Mountain Goats "Love Love Love"
The singer's voice is so matter-of-fact. Its all about love, but not just romantic love. Simple guitar plucks. Lines like "the things you do for love will come back to you one by one." Oh, but you have to HEAR it.

Oh there's so many other good ones. Sweet indie music to sing me to sleep. Of course, props to Picasso Matt for the songs on his blog for Valentine's Day. I like that kid.

and nothing matters when we're dancing.

This video makes me feel like it's 1989 and I'm watching Sesame Street.


The Go! Team
"Ladyflash"
Ahh, good times!

DAMN.

I find myself on my last hope last night, and I wake up and live today, and just HEARD God.

I was going to say "well, God isn't really here, grabbing and shaking my shoulders and staring me intensely yet kindly in the face, solidly stating 'BECKY!! THIS ISN'T THAT HARD!'" but honestly, He really is.

First of all, I woke up this morning COMPLETELY refreshed. Never mind five hours of sleep last night. I opened my eyes, and there was no desire to close them again. I went on a run with Amanda, the cross country runner, and kept up the whole time, and she starts saying we should enter a race later this spring. And the random prayer meeting! Other people's blog posts! TWO of them!

"BECKY WAKE UP!! BECKY WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!"

I KNOW WHATS RIGHT! I'M GETTING IN THE WAY!

one more listen to "dare you to move" and i'm off to bed. i love action.

HAVE to love insomina.

I need to get back in the mode of running for a half hour every day.

But even though my body isn't racing, that doesn't mean my mind isn't.

I'm continually in this vicious cycle of who's right and who's wrong -- is it really wrong to think that everyone is right? To the point of I wonder if it really even matters anymore to be so concerned about it.
How can I support something that I am not entirely convinced of myself? Why aren't I convinced? Apparently I don't have enough FAITH?? WHY DOES THIS REQUIRE SO MUCH THOUGHT??

Remember when it was so pure, unadulterated, and unpolitical? Remember when I wanted to know more? Am I the same person? Was I supposed to change? If I did change, was that change a total FAKE?
WHY DOES THIS MATTER?

I should be in bed, asleep, content that I have a nice and toasty dorm room, ate dinner tonight, got an A on my science test, and whatever. Safe because I didn't offend anyone today, I didn't do anything couragous, nothing to foster my mission to change the world. Kept my perspective as the perpetual observer.

But I'm not. I'm sitting here at my desk at 2:30 in the morning with an unnatural faint white light cast upon my face, putting into words this frustrating intangible ache for my own sake, knowing full well several people will read this.

But whatever; I've made this blunt attempt, and perhaps now I can quiet my heart enough to settle my entire self to sleep.

And for the trillionth time, I return to this:

let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough.

Well. I now have more to say.

I saw Jeremy Camp tonight.
He was really good! There is something so real about him that makes him so easy to relate to. Plus vocal quality is basically the same as on his produced CD's, so that's awesome too. There was a hockey game before it, and that was fun as well.

Too bad its way freaking cold outside. I don't think I have ever been this cold here. At home, yes, and if its this cold here, I can't imagine how absolutely frigid it is at home.

I actually made it through the day without drinking one of these!! I have become slightly obsessed, but its a great way to drink water and still get a sweet taste that I occassionally crave. mmmm...

Well its siblings weekend here, and thats always fun. I wish my sisters were here. Michelle and her sister have arrived to sleep over, so I suppose that's all for me now.

I was all excited to post, then I realized I didn't really have much to say.

I'm listening to "Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse" by Minus the Bear. oh, so good.

"Svefn-G-Englar"
Sigur Ros

WHERE IS BISHOP ALLEN????

It hasn't come yet. I'm sure it will. I feel like such a little kid when I scramble to shove my key into my mailbox to see if it's there.

Anyway, yes, I am still alive, doing homework, going to class. There was this near-death experience with Microsoft Excel on Monday, but I escaped with a sprained ankle, a black eye, and five good-looking and attractive graphs.

I basically had to throw myself out of bed this morning to go to history class, but I did have enough time to make myself look presentable and get out the door in time. I get the impression my History teacher wishes he was an undergrad student again because he's always joking around and swearing and being cool and dressing well, and lets face it, undergrad years for him were probably less than ten years ago. And I'm not trying to say, oh man, he's trying too hard, he actually does it quite well. There's a way to relate to undergrads; he knows how to.
I love too how I don't have to have the book memorized verbatim to do well in that class. Well, maybe I do feel a little guilty, in that I feel I should be drawing up ten pages of notes per chapter so I am to be an expert in Modern Middle-Eastern history. But what's my excuse? That it doesn't come easy for me?
Now, my Developmental Disabilities class I like, because I know whats going on, and I read the textbook and even though if you just glance at it its a ton of medical/genetic/biological/legal jargon, I'm locked in. Solid.

I went to a Council for Exceptional Children meeting last night, and we had a speaker (a teacher in the ED. Department) who got everyone at the meeting movin' in Creative Movement. We did a lot of active stuff that we could do with kids, complete with music and scarves, and it was really great, giving up all inhibitions. With a lot of stuff that we could probably do at camp this summer. But really, you can't be a little kid teacher and be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Anyways, even though it was really an awesome seminar, I think if I tell other people I don't think they will see the credibility in what we did, aka laugh and roll their eyes. Why is it I seem to do alot of things that induce that? I'm totally serious.

Along those same lines, I was really excited to get all these Ben Gibbard live tracks that involve him, an acoustic guitar, and a (mostly) agreeable audience. It's really awesome. So calming and sad at the same time (well, it IS Ben Gibbard). But I like it alot.

A few random thoughts before I lay them all to rest.

Hopefully we can show the powerpoint presentation I made at Cru tomorrow night. It takes awhile to make.

I ordered the Bishop Allen January EP. The website says they hand address all 1000 copies. I also feel guilty for spending $5 on music. But I think I'm going to be thrilled when it comes. And "Corazon" is an amazing song.

I'll stop now.

I think I'm really busy. I would assume "busy" means having something planned all of the time, and occasionally there's something else I didn't realize I had to do that needs to get done.

And this gnawing feeling in my stomach keeps on gnawing.

"come on and teach me your songs, Corazon..."