I feel like I've been dropped in a very large body of water. There's no significant direction, yet I'm being pulled everywhere. I get nervous and struggle because I don't think I can get any air underwater and the only thing to do is go straight up to where I know I'm safe to open my mouth. I don't know where I'm going down there, or how deep it is, or what I might find. It's dark. And I'm scared.

But as I unfreeze from my cringe, I start to notice the fluidity of the water and how warm and soothing it is. Reaching out my arms, I think I can swim. I'll open my mouth to gasp in awe, but in doing that find I don't choke. I can, in fact, breathe. And it feels nice.

...keep going...

"breathe. live. see. touch. feel.
deeply. fascinated. everything. with love. without regrets."

I laid in bed this morning like I always do when I wake up early, around 5:30 or 6, for no particular reason at all. But this time I wasn't thinking about how everyone hates me or I'm such a fake.

This morning, I realized I'm getting better.

I thought about the people I mean something to. I thought about how I can talk to people and we both enjoy those conversations. I thought about how my mind can think and flurry with creativity, and not slowly churn with negative thoughts and unfocused intentions.

And yeah, there's been some really sucky times lately. But I'm always being shown that in the lowest points, there's always something to live for. Even if the only thing I can see myself doing at a point is picking my pajamas off the floor.

But I'm finally starting to realize the meaning of the phrase, "You can't give what you don't have." And that I can be the weird, quirky, fascinated girl I've always wanted to be.

Uh...

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas apparently has come and gone, too.

And I am seemingly oblivious?

Whatever. I figured a lot of stuff out over break. And that's good. But recognizing it doesn't make it go away.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. It seems like really, thats what people need. Not trusting in ideas, or an organization as a whole, or really themselves, even. It seems like people just want to trust other people. And maybe they don't know that. Or they feel like they can't so they put trust in other things. But seriously:

I'm walking down the sidewalk. There's a car driving by. I'm trusting that person that they're not going to haul ass up over the curb and run me over. I trust the guy I ordered my shoes from that I will in fact get the exact pair of shoes I want in the mail in less than two weeks. I trust that the people I tell things to will take me seriously and love me unconditionally.

And it's nice to know that when I can't even trust my own thoughts, I can trust other people.

And the safe drivers of Peoria.
uhhh....

No, I'm not enjoying this. I shake when I try to focus in on my homework, my room is a disaster, I wake up at 4:30 in the morning only to be bothered by myself, I fall apart every other night and call my mom crying, I'm sick of hearing myself talk about my problems even though its what I need to do. I hate how I lie to myself and other people, and how every casual conversation is a pressure and self-test to figure out if I am likeable. Which is really hard if I don't even feel likable myself. I really don't like the feeling that I'm supposed to be getting better and therefore should be having fewer and fewer issues. And I hate how I feel like I'm starved for attention, and when I get it I freak out and I have no inclination as to how to deal with it.

Over break I intentionally said stuff like "I look so cute today" and "This was such a great idea." I will tell myself that that's horribly selfish, and you might even think, someone's a little stuck on themself, but this overall positive feeling swept over my body as if I was sparked by my own words. And maybe a little bit of relief that I could say those things and maybe halfway believe them.

Anyway, I should really type this unit so it can FINALLY be OVER.

"i can't live, i can't breathe unless you do this with me"

This place has been neglected, but it shouldn't feel alone in that.

What do I even say? What is there to say?

It feels like the only thing that makes sense is the little tetris pieces that fit together on the gameboy that I play when I HAVE to stop thinking about everything else.

And they're just geometric figures on a LCD screen.

I do have hope, though. I have the few who remain constant, who believe that I am better than who I seemingly continue to prove to myself who I am.
I have a future in which I want to change lives.

It's hard to feel stuck; to not know what to change or how to do it, or if I even can.

But I know there's more to life than what I have now.

So, I've converted.

To Blogger Beta, that is.

I was reading the FAQ's and they said eventually all will have to switch, so why not do it now and save myself the "because you have to, Becky."

Now there's the tantalizing idea of changing my template to something REALLY cool. But I like this template just fine, especially since I've worked so hard on it. Hmmm...

Anyway, my life has failed to be uninteresting, like most of this semester/year. I've learned a lot about perceptions and goodness and truth. Much of which has caused me to feel more confused. But even though a great deal of that sucks, I feel myself as growing as a person, more than I have in years.

But sometimes I just feel a bit dead. Maybe you've felt that way too; everyone around you is talking and making sense with one another, or the music is playing and there's no internal rhythm moving through your head. And I have to think about how I want to be involved. If I do.

It was really nice to be reached this morning after feeling so sporadically unaffected. I couldn't help but feel softened when Jon Foreman sang "this is the way that I say that I love you" in "Learning to Breathe."



There's a nice picture from the Library of Congress archives that I used in my Technology Class powerpoint about Women's Suffrage. The women are peacefully protesting in front of the White House, something that nobody had had the gall to do before. The sign says, "MR. PRESIDENT HOW LONG MUST WOMEN WAIT FOR LIBERTY." It's sad to think they were all probably brutally jailed. Anyway, it's interesting to look at pictures of the suffragests, clothed in their historical dresses, and think about the radical things they did/ideals they stood for, and how so many people condemn or don't appreciate that determination.
Talk about perception and goodness and truth.

Well, THAT was an interesting day.

Lots of extrospective perspectives. (That's finding out what other people think of you (I think).)

I need to get my act together and stop being that girl that uses so many words to say so little.

It feels like some of my most frustrating moments ever are sitting right here in front of this computer at home. Maybe I should just avoid that in the future.

Anyway, I did half of my math homework, and I got my phone pictures up on Facebook. Sweet.

I also got the new Decemberists cd today for a steal at $8. My favorite song is still by far "Sons & Daughters" where it has this dancy feel to it that builds and builds, then ends with "hear all the bombs, they fade away" confidently echoed by people. It's pretty/empowering/happy/resolved/makes me really glad I'm listening to it.

Time for bed. Then getting everything together to head back to facing life.

Yay! I survived the week of no music!

And seeing Ben Kweller was awesome!

Sometimes I want this thinking thing to stop! And become a girl who obliges with what she's told to do and says what she thinks she supposed to say! And feel happy and content and secure about her life!
I CAN'T DO IT!

How's it going, eh?



Surprisingly, I'm surviving. There are times I want to unwind by listening to a good song, or add another factor of destressing to driving my car, or keep time while I run, but my silent week has been bearable. There haven't really been any relapses of Sunday night where I was just going insane.

Also, I've come to realize how much music is EVERYWHERE. Limiting what I can initiate makes me see that everyone around me is doing what I "can't" do. My roommate plays it from her room, every third car on the street has windows rolled down and the bass pumped up, Panera has ambient jazz from their BOSE speakers.

I thought the no music was going to make me horribly crabby, which it did on Monday. So I took some time to just go somewhere by myself and read and write, and magically I could live with myself again.
In essence, getting rid of the distractions and taking some time just to think.

I'm going to cut the emo/philosophical crap and get to homework now. Which I had more than I realized this week. Hooray for limited distractions so I can focus on it?

No day but today.

I might be a real idiot.

I'm trying to go without music until Friday.


The big question on everyone's mind is,

Why?

I could be doing to say, "HAH look at all this self discipline it looks like I have," or, "I'm a masochist," or "I'm bored with my life and I am looking for ways to make it interesting," or "I need a new way for people to feel SORRY for me."

I'm really hoping it's none of those, though.
I hope it's more like, "I love music. But what do I love about it?" Or "What am I missing out on because I ALWAYS HAVE to have music going?" or "What feelings do I have if music isn't there to cheer me up?"

Honestly, I'm going a little crazy. It's a Sunday night and I spent much of the weekend doing homework and I just want to unwind. Songs come into my head that I want to hear and I CAN'T. I feel a feeling and I want a song to sing it back to me but all I get is "....." I can't dance around to the beat, I can't feel satisfied with the way the notes rise and fall.

I'm hoping that getting rid of a "distraction" isn't going to be distracting.
I feel sad and a little confused and unsure of what comes next.

But right now I can't help but ask, is that the point?

Ben Kweller CD: bought and enjoyed!
Rain predicted: not here...or is it...I left my room for 30 seconds and all of a sudden it got dark in here...
high pitched noise coming from my monitor: increasingly annoying


So, you know how there's that spinach/E-coli outbreak? In the produce section of Wal-Mart theres a whole lot of regular lettuce in the spot where the bagged spinach used to be.

On a related note, the last time I went to look for the deoderant I've been using for 3+ years in the hygenics section of Wal-Mart, they didn't have the kind I use but in the slot's place was the "Sensitive Skin" stick.

Should I be worried about this?

I could really go on and on about how tired I am, or how productive I was in the past hour, or how busy my week has been already, but I am really just excited about Ben Kweller's new cd and all the indie pop/rock-ness that goes with it. (Um, even though I haven't had the time to acquire the latest album yet? Soon enough, my friends!)

And yet as I shamelessly and moral-lessnessy exploit YouTube again and blabber on and on about how great some guy is that I don't even know, view yet another "One Minute Pop Song" Podcast and just watch how Ben looks when he's listening to music.

I like people like that.

Absolutely (and I'm not much of an absolutist) its time for bed now.

I have been building up a lot of things I could say here in the past ten days. I've gone to a new church, went out to eat at a tiny cafe with twenty college students, been working, felt lonely, felt loved, listened to some good songs, saw Little Miss Sunshine (and loveloveLOVED it), met new people, fought back tears, fought with someone, felt defeated, rediscovered purpose.

But that's all I can say about any of it.


In church today our pastor talked about mosiacs. Each piece of a mosiac is unlike any other, broken, and seemingly worthless at first glance. But when you put all those broken, shattered pieces together, you get a picture that wouldn't be the same without each and every one of those parts. Rough and ragged things, in the end, turn out in ways we couldn't imagine.

"the bravest thing of all is always hope"
-braveSaintSaturn

This kind of pisses me off.

Largely evangelical movement calls for public school pullout
POSTED: 9:06 p.m. EDT, September 4, 2006 (from CNN.com)

NEW YORK (AP) -- Public schools take a lot of criticism, but a growing, loosely organized movement is now moving from harsh words to action -- with parents taking their own children out of public schools and exhorting other families to do the same.

Led mainly by evangelical Christians, the movement depicts public education as hostile to religious faith and claims to be behind a surge in the number of students being schooled at home.

All the rest of it's here.

Glad to see all of the hard work I'm putting into these four years isn't good enough for God's people.

I'll update later, I've got homework to do. :-)

So, yesterday I selected out of my closet a pair of new Express Jeans and pulled them on, removing all six tags. I remember when I tried them on the top of the pants were a little snug, but I dismissed it as the large lunch I had recently consumed sitting around my middle.
But, like I said, I pulled them on, and they were still a little snug. And it was just the very tippy top of the jeans, not the zipper part. Well I looked at those jeans and the stud that fastens the top is half an inch off to the right. Ergo, the jeans are tighter.
First instict, of course, is to rip stud right out of pants. But what then? I'm left with stud in right hand and a pair of unwearable (not to mention brand new) pants.
I'm just seeing it as a built in belt that keeps my pants on after they stretch out kinda after a day's worth of wearing them. And maybe as an incentive to get active to avoid squeezed stomach whilst wearing really nice pair of jeans.

Anyway. Am kind of in a drifting mood. Maybe thats how I always am though, ambivalently happy to be alive and saddened by the world.

With awkward pants.

ahahaha

Where I uploaded this this might be against the rules, but maybe more like something thats like, "Purposes other than its original intent." And.....I'm just creativeSLASHdesperate. But I heard this song like eight months ago and really liked it, and now I own it. And am sharing it with you. And a little tip, it just sounds better if you turn your volume up.
Sia - Breathe Me

Oh phooey. Sometimes I wish I wasn't some ways some times. Mainly I wish I didn't wake up this morning and think about myself.

Not the fact that I was thinking about myself, but what I was thinking was what kind of made me unhappy.

Well, post-wise I missed Women's Equality Day, but heres my women who ROCK! list. In Pictures!

Deb Talan
Karen O
Shakira
Kiera Knightly (edit: 8/30/06 9:37)

Yeah, I'm probably stealing some bandwidth, but Blogger Photos isn't working too great, and I'll take em down after a few days.

Yeah, I know there's a lot more women who ROCK!

...So why don't you tell me!

edit: 8/30/06 9:44

In any case: Happy Birthday, Bloggers! Here's to 7 more.

(Oh, the birthday logo is a dog because of that whole "1 human year = 7 dog year" thing. And there should be more dogs in birthday hats, don'cha think?)

-Blogger Buzz

Cute.

Well I'm back at school. Things are different, and by that I mean things are different than they were at home. Which, I guess, is to be expected. woo.

Last night Michelle and I invited a bunch of people over to make/eat cookies, and we went from two tentative guests to a grand total of 12 guests by the time the evening was over.
Might they have been over just for the cookies? Perhaps. Particularly since one male friend slyly noted "Well, if you ever want to do something like this for dinner...." Mahaha...it was still a great way to spend the night before classes started.

So, obviously classes started today; the one I was kind of worried about might not be so bad, I really like how she has pretty much told us how she would like everything done. I am just slightly overwhelmed by how much of the content is online -- reading something on my computer screen can only hold my attention for a paragraph or so.

Even paragraphs about Ben Kweller.

Anyway, I don't feel too overwhelmed, which is a positive thing. And I bought a planner today...I opted for the cheaper one because who knows how much I'll use it. Erm, maybe it should be more like "lets see how much becky can use her planner."

But let's talk about food. Today I made myself Macaroni and Cheese! And last night for dinner I had cereal, strawberries, and animal crackers.

Cute? Perhaps. I was thinking more "adorable"....

;-P

"people are just people like you!"
-regina spektor

I heard this song again today. Figures.

I really should go to bed. But I want to find that Snow Patrol Remix and I want to keep listening to Josh Ritter.

But sleep is beginning to sound good.

Hey remember two years ago in the summer before I went to college how I regularly stayed up until 2 or 3am?

I still remember that time when we were dancing
We were dancing to a song that I¹d heard
Your face was simple and your hands were naked
I was singing without knowing the words
-josh ritter

I got my hair cut today, and everytime I go several months of letting it shag out, I always begin to view the trip to the salon as similar to a trip to the Confessional booth...

Forgive me, hairdresser, for letting my hair get to this undignified status. My last haircut was April twelfth.

Then again, I might have to go to two hands to count the number of years since I last went to Confession.

I also went on a two hour walk today, and frankly, I don't remember thinking about anything in particular.

School starts a week from tomorrow. Cats is over, and that makes me kind of sad.

i want so much to open your eyes
cuz i need you to look into mine
- snow patrol

sigh, the first weekend of performances is over. I have had a phenomenal time, and was reminded why I did it in the first place. It might be just because I wouldn't typically do something like that, but now I have! Plus I get annoyed/hysterically laugh every time after a show about my hair, because it is huge and foufy and black-ish with paint and then I take a shower and the water turns murky and a black ring forms in my bathtub.

It's a riot.

Unfortunately I went 123% all weekend and kept waking up at 5:30 in the morning for five nights in a row and am now just tired. Plus today was kind of ....meh. And I don't want to think about everything else.
But thinking about all that's to be done in the next two weeks is leaving me with my hands over my eyes, not willing to even peek through the spaces between my fingers.

but this is this and that is that.

This morning I woke up at 8:51 by myself and WANTED to get out of bed.

weird.

I've been thinking about what I read/wrote yesterday. The article's good about saying we have to remember there are some things that are right and wrong. And we shouldn't freak out and think someone is trying to impose his moral code on us if we disagree with someone. At least you stand for something.

I'm still getting confused by the concept that people keep telling me we need to look for and search out and be content in, and that is "universal truth."

And then I am provided with step by step instructions how to find it. Because everyone else has apparently figured everything out.

Its not a crime to live everyday and smile and smirk and trip over things and listen to music loudly while closing your eyes and help other people because you can and hug your friends and love your family and love God in as much as a sense as you can...right?

I feel really stupid right now because I'm thinking about truth and life and stuff I just think about in my idle time and because sometimes thinking about that gets in the way of DOING.

mahahaha, oh those intentions.

For some levity, I recieved a mass email from Ben Kweller that had pictures of his new baby....SO adorable. And linky-dinked me to this video.

And this is why I love bk.

Oh I love it!

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

-gnarls barkley

I now use Firefox. At least on this computer.

Unrelated: Maybe now's the time to start writing that book.

Unrelated: Here's a really great article from a really great website.

And here's an excerpt:
"The Death of Truth"

This is not a 'morality' we simply tolerate; we champion it. We take pride in our tolerance, yet tolerate no one who doesn't share our moral open-mindedness. 'Who are you to pass judgment?' we ask. 'Where do you get off condemning a nurse for what she does with a foetus that was dying anyway? Or for criticizing the sexual preferences of siblings? Or for challenging another's view of art?'

This stinking stew of ethical nothingness is the sad legacy of the sixties. Yet when our own moral philosophy turns us into victims when our personal liberty is interrupted by random acts of anarchy - suddenly something like moral consciousness tries to lift its head.

(read the rest of it here)

One of the things I've always loved about getting up early in the morning is that you see humankind innocently living life. We all stretch our rejuvinated muscles when getting out of bed, take a half moment to breathe in that distinct morning air, calculate mentally everything we have to do that day. We all have tastes of orange juice, coffee, toothpaste. We're all off to do the routine we do everyday, and even though it is routine, each has his or her own.

Mraeah.

Meow, I mean.

Because for at least thirty hours this week, I AM a cat!
I'm getting pretty excited. I just wish I could remember all the connecting moves from the dance I learned tonight. I look a little awkward swaying my arms around and hopping around in a slightly discoordinated fashion in practice.
I guess I need to work on my "memory" *snort*snort*

My family was looking through this box of vinyl albums that were going to be made into a craft. Thank goodness we came along, otherwise



and just for Angie,


among others, would be diminished to mere bowls.

Needless to say, after the rescue, an impromptu 80's dance party commenced in our living room.
Honestly, where else in the world could I do that?

I find I ask myself rhetorical questions lately. I kind of sit with my gaze off somewhere I don't remember and start allowing my mind to meander, and then I get frustrated and squint my eyes and shake my head. I'm simultaneously frustrated with the world for being so complicated and enamored by the intricateness of it all.

but dancing to "Beat It" was kind of hard to top ;-)

You gotta be strong, you gotta teach your son
How to stand up straight when you want to run,
How to care and love, how to be yourself,
To be different but the same.
-ben kweller

Lately I've felt a little out of control. Things need to be getting done that aren't getting done, my room baffles me, ice cream is just far to tasty to say "no thanks" to. Meh.

Cats has been really fun, especially the dancing part. And remembering how I'm supposed to tighten up my arms and legs while posing, how to gracefully spread arms, trying to remember fluidity. I'm getting there. :-)

I don't really have much else to say. Except Camp Kid 1 saying "YOU'RE BACK!" and giving me a huge hug and Camp Kid 2 adorably playing tag with me in the pool and asian gangs and Switchfoot in my car all reminded me that I am loved.

oh yes, and Picasso Matt from You Ain't No Picasso posted a NEW BEN KWELLER SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(the fact that its ben kweller) + (the fact that its new ben kweller) + (i needed to hear this song today) + (the lyrics are awesome) + (the music ROCKS) = one happy becky/one huge "you're RAD!" to bk.

you should follow the link and listen to it. you'll be on your feet within fifteen seconds. and in love within thirty.

or maybe i'm just smitten right now.
or its just awesome!

Tell me tomorrow has come
With open arms
If you say it's time to move on
Then I'll stop holding on
If you say that it's time for moving on
Time for moving on

-switchfoot

I swear I am going to be banned from the Solder's Field pool curly slide. I'm just trying to help the kids out for crying out loud!

With everything going on in my life, I've barely had time to breathe, but I've been just fine with that. I love the sun, the full days, driving with my windows down, everything the kids say, working, singing, wearing catsuits.

Mrahaha, Kelli and I discovered that paint goes through unitards and therefore dries on skin. Peel, peel peel.

And apparently today was the last day of lifeguarding ever for my favorite lifeguard, aka the really cute dark haired one. Oh well, maybe thats a good thing because then he won't be there when the Pool Supervisor drags me kicking and screaming from the curly slide.

Sigh. Off to scrub the toilet. And by that I mean, look how I'm doing chores in the hour I'm home!

We fall but our souls are flying - the decemberists

Well, I tasted the sound of the Dresden Dolls and I am simultaneously shocked, intrigued, and delighted by it. They're kind of campy, but I enjoy the madness all the same.

And I thought you needed to hear this song.

"sing"

Well, I think it's time for that introspective entry to move on down the page. Not that I'm finished feeling introspective. Or ironic.

OH OH EMO!

Speaking of stereotypical music, my sister Katie and I pulled out some 1999-2000 era pop music. I'm talking "Blue" by Eiffel 65, some B*Witched, some BSB "The Call" action. With such a solid background in pop music, it's no wonder that I get a kick out of The New Pornographers or Bishop Allen.
If you're laughing, hey, those Backstreet Boys did pop music, and often did it quite well.

Anyway, camp is going fine. I definitely had a camp quote: "What's a pain in the butt?" I kind of had to make an effort to maintain control mid-week, but overall I'm really enjoying the kids. Cats rehearsal is going well, and by Cats rehearsal I mean the one that I have been do. I'm quite excited to get to know the cast, dance to something choreographed, and wear a unitard (maybe).

Hey, did anyone listen to that Josh Ritter song?

blogBLOGblogBLOGblogBLOGblogBLOG

I've been feeling ironic lately.

Not the deadpan humor kind of ironic.

Just kind of....ironic.

I have a lot to say, but at the same time, don't want to. Completely convicted, but entirely ambivalent. Face perked up in joy, but eyes clouded with bitterness.

You get the point.

Anyways, camp started this week, and we had a great week. I've honestly been learning a lot, and seeing how stuff I've learned about teaching applies and is easier than it sounds. For example, trying to focus on the things the kids do right, and letting them know that I notice. It's easier than I thought.

Yay for kids. :-)

It did break my heart to hear two kids today around the age of ten say "I hate myself." Sure they were tired and hot and frustrated and had autism, but hearing someone that young say that with such exaspiration really brought me back to the point (again), What's important here?

Musically, I've discovered Josh Ritter's "Thin Blue Flame", Good News for People Who Love Bad News spins in my car (because, seriously, what's June without a little bit of Modest Mouse action?), and I'll need to start memorizing the choral parts for Cats soon...

:D

But that Josh Ritter song...its nine and a half minutes of...

irony.

"all of us needs all of us" -- josh ritter

Who the heck am I kidding. I am so exactly like the rest of my family, how could there be an inkling of uncomfortability?

*random bursts of singing*

lol

...and you turn me into somebody loved

Oh, poo.

I stayed up way too late working on that project that I was procrastinating on yesterday. Now I have to go read a chaper so I can take a final tomorrow.

Come on, Becky, only one more day.

It honestly doesn't seem like three weeks, much less an entire semester's work.

I also am headed back home, this means, and while I am looking forward to that, I'm going to miss being totally irresponsible, and by that I mean taking my own time on my own schedule to be totally responsible. My gawd, I'm an adult. Sort of.

My parents who support me would highly beg to differ.

It's going to be like returning to reality. But maybe its a different reality? I dont know. Returning to my room where there's a ton of crap laying all over the place of a person I've outgrown the skin of. I get the feeling its not going to be like it used to, like when I went home and wrestled with the two seemingly different people I was; now it's like how do I take this person and fit it in where I came from.
Picture me trying to squeeze into that one tshirt. Yeah, it's kind of like that. And this tshirt I'm wearing now is a bit fitted and cozy but I'm still getting used to the idea of it. Maybe I'll even put a sweater on.

Maybe now I'm getting carried away with the metaphors.

I've also been getting into deeper cuts of The Weepies, including singles by Deb Talan when she was on her own that we saw them play in St. Paul. Hearing her sing those words with that kind of feeling behind them makes her totally believable; it's like you can hear the experience in her voice. And I LIKE that. She's been added to my list of "Women Who Rock," by the way.

Also, I busted my Bishop Allen CD out today like a "busted heart," and man, did I enjoy that. It was impossible for me to not sing along, seriously.

And I'm tired. Of a lot of things. Or maybe I'm just tired.

Time to go read about comprehensive literacy programs.

Came down on a bottle rocket
Found my heart right where I locked it
Last night like rain on chalk
It's gone like money in my pocket.

You could say I'm procrastinating, but I'd prefer the term "maintaining my blog," thanksverymuch.

Sigh, I'm getting through my May Term Class. It's been nice having only one class to concern myself with. I 've had four projects, and they kind of take awhile, and I've been learning a lot.

Also, living alone in an apartment has been kind of a fun fun experience. For example...

*no one's there to procrastinate with when I need to do homework!
*that noise I hear at night couldn't POSSIBLY be someone else!
*the TV is never on! even though there's no TV cable!
*the bathroom is completely WHITE!
*i can leave dirty dishes around!
*i dont have to be too ashamed about my cluttered room!
*i can play my music really loud at night!
*i can get bored and discover things like www.askaninja.com and et cetera.

It's been really great to have visitors. And for that reason, I'm really glad I stuck around this town a little bit longer. :-)

And of course, the road trip this past weekend was phenomenal. Thankfully, I drove through Chicago without anything disasterous! I was kind of worried about that...

I still keep thinking about tolerance. TOLERANCE. I think I am thinking about it in more of...different?...terms.

Boy, that's really descriptive.

I just wish liberals weren't coined as "do whatever the heck YOU want." Because honestly, it's not like that.

Is that funny I came back to my room just to empty my garbage can out? Hmm...

We'll be searching for the truth in all of this
are we debating just to win the argument?

Well then. Wasn't that fun.

And by "that," I mean sophomore year. And moving everything out that comprised my room for the year.

A few things are a little MIA, but maybe that means they are in Carly's garage. I guess I'll find out Monday.

I was kind of having a sucky day yesterday, but then I heard that country song from a long time ago, one that I might actually dig?

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't everyday be just this good?

I threw away two garbage bags of crap from my room today. That felt nice.

And now, experience what I think of every time I hear the word "carrots."

<3 youtube and Sesame Street!

I'm tired and kind of fed up with not being productive, but I wanted to do this.

Mandy looked at me tonight at Jester's and said, "I can't believe I'm going home in two days."
Yeah, that is kind of weird.
Maybe because I'm coming back here in a week. And maybe I'm such a right-here-right-now-oriented person. But yeah, I can't really understand that.

I took all of my pictures off of my bulletin board, so now there's no Switchfoot, cousins, or red car looking back at me. But there is STILL a ton of crap on my desk. Including my science notebook, which I had the best intentions of opening and writing in tonight.

Ahh, intentions.

However...

I came to school this year with the intention of "making my faith my own." I wasn't sure if this was "wrong," or selfish, or making things the way I wanted them to be, but that was what I wanted. And...wow.

I came here in the fall as a feisty and resentful fighter, finally sick of people telling me how my faith should be. This was turning into the Catholic ordeal all over again, and I hated it. I was angry for not being myself, and and the same time stuck and not knowing where to go.
Thankfully, God led me where I needed to be, subtly hidden in people and happenstance situations. I'm glad HE can put up with how obstinate I can be.
But yeah. After reacquainting myself with where I should be, I took that mission to heart. I discussed with people, tested what happened to me, learned a ton about teaching, failed, experienced, learned, shared experiences, held on to what I believed for sure, listened, considered, remembered that rock and roll is in my soul, stayed out late, dared to meet new people, dared to move. And the person I needed to be seemed to be conglomerating with who I know I am.
Granted, it wasn't a perfect year, but things are turning out all right. Action, moving in the right direction.

And now, incidentally, I need to go brush my teeth.

So, I only posted once in April. Awful?

A lot of stuff has happened. Good, bad, and both disguised as the other.

Right now I have a room to pack and a few finals to prepare for. And a run to go on.

In the midst of everything, I really should just be raising my eyes to the sky and repeatedly speaking, "thank you"

So, it's Thursday again. The low of my week. And by that I mean that my productivity=0 on Thursdays.
Wait, should that mean Thursday is the high of my week?

This morning I woke up to Elton John in the radio. I looked out my window, pouring rain.
It was a perfectly necessary to pull out iPod and listen to "Tiny Dancer." Twice.

Lets see, what happened this week? Oh yeah.
Remember last week when I said that growing up was an odd phenomenon? That's still true.

I went on a retreat, which was rather influential in making me realize how I think about myself and a lot of other people. I think the most incredible thing was how we were all there, going through the same things, and learning totally different lessons. And we were all learning from each other; the crap that happened in one person's life totally applied to someone else's life, and so on.
I also met a girl from another school, and we met up last night, and we're totally going through basically the exact same thing.
One of the coolest things ever is thinking you're alone and realizing you're not alone.

The Coalition for Choice holds its first meeting on Friday, and so thats one of those things I think about when I'm walking around allowing thoughts to go through my head. I'm glad Mandy and Dan will be there, and that God is faithful.

My cronies and I have started to make studying at Jester's on Monday nights a tradition, which is pretty sweet. Well, however much studying one can get done with seven people talking right around you, Shania Twain blaring over the speakers, people coming and going out of the cafe, inviting coffee and greasy food smells, and the comforting feeling of joy in your body that tells you, "I'm so glad I'm here."
I just have to make sure I get my homework done before I go. :-)

I wish I wasn't so ambiguous sometimes, that I knew how to initiate and say something straight up.

But anyways, I think I might try to go run while the rain is on hold up that productivity to a 5, perhaps? We'll see.

blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band...

THANK GOD WEDNESDAY IS OVER.

Blah, I had so much due this week, and now I can breathe. Well, if my nose wasn't so stuffed up.

Growing up is an odd phenomenon.

No, I did not get lost at the beach or get engaged to a professional baseball player. I am back at school, where there is snow, but also my friends.
My brain is completely disorganized, and you can tell that by the sight of my desk. I need to get my planner and sit down somewhere really quiet and uncluttered and just think about things and get back to my planning self. Hehe, enough of this reckless spontenaity.
And happy birthday to the blog! Sigh, for three years you think there could be a little more substance here.

Anyway, good things are happening. Now off to the library!

ummm, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, I'm in Florida, and its warm. I'm kind of tired, so I think I'm going to bed.

Ah jeez. What a crazy, emotional day this has been.

All I can say is, God's people are amazing, and He even more so.

And all have hated,
Crucified and walked away,
The Savior of the prostitutes,
Drunkards, rapists, and the gays.

Under bridges,
With hands raised,
From the ghettos they praise his name.
Broke and crippled in the dark of night,
Raise your voices to Jesus Christ,
Hallelujah. --Brave Saint Saturn

WAY TO GO TAPES 'N TAPES!

I just get so excited when I start talking about them. Like, my blood pressure goes up, and I sit upright in my chair, and start spouting off words like "awesome," "freaking," and "AAAUUGHAHH."

Maybe its because they're from Minnesota, maybe because I have had the opportunity to see them, maybe its because they are quite good.

hehe, I amuse myself sometimes. And now the obligatory: go here if you want to listen.

What a weekend. I got plenty of time to myself. And a pleasant bit of time when I needed a break from myself.

But sometimes I feel sad. Heehee, a "which came first, the music or the misery thing"??

I'm reading this book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which I like. It's an odd book; but I do admire some aspects of it, two distinctly. One, it realizes beauty and tragedy in the smallest things. Death, returning, love, and oh yes, the people. Oskar, a 9yr old boy, is constantly trying to think of things to keep those he loves safe. Also, the book dares to think beyond what you think you should. Its like overthinking, but its not about the thoughts, its more like thinking about overthinking. Like a desperation to make sense of each crummy reality thrown your way, your only hope fleeting thoughts. But no matter what you think about thinking, somebody who is dead is dead, and love uniquely exists in each unique individual, without explicable reason or logic.
And that's what I like about it.

I hope that dumb insomnia does not come back. I've resorted to just staying up late to avoid it. If I think about it, I am slightly tired, but maybe not. It's more like "just one more" to these songs I'm listening to.

Magnetic Fields "Nothing Matters When We're Dancing"
One of the best love songs ever. I want close my eyes and dream, and be in that place that can't be described.

The Mountain Goats "Love Love Love"
The singer's voice is so matter-of-fact. Its all about love, but not just romantic love. Simple guitar plucks. Lines like "the things you do for love will come back to you one by one." Oh, but you have to HEAR it.

Oh there's so many other good ones. Sweet indie music to sing me to sleep. Of course, props to Picasso Matt for the songs on his blog for Valentine's Day. I like that kid.

and nothing matters when we're dancing.

This video makes me feel like it's 1989 and I'm watching Sesame Street.


The Go! Team
"Ladyflash"
Ahh, good times!

DAMN.

I find myself on my last hope last night, and I wake up and live today, and just HEARD God.

I was going to say "well, God isn't really here, grabbing and shaking my shoulders and staring me intensely yet kindly in the face, solidly stating 'BECKY!! THIS ISN'T THAT HARD!'" but honestly, He really is.

First of all, I woke up this morning COMPLETELY refreshed. Never mind five hours of sleep last night. I opened my eyes, and there was no desire to close them again. I went on a run with Amanda, the cross country runner, and kept up the whole time, and she starts saying we should enter a race later this spring. And the random prayer meeting! Other people's blog posts! TWO of them!

"BECKY WAKE UP!! BECKY WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!"

I KNOW WHATS RIGHT! I'M GETTING IN THE WAY!

one more listen to "dare you to move" and i'm off to bed. i love action.

HAVE to love insomina.

I need to get back in the mode of running for a half hour every day.

But even though my body isn't racing, that doesn't mean my mind isn't.

I'm continually in this vicious cycle of who's right and who's wrong -- is it really wrong to think that everyone is right? To the point of I wonder if it really even matters anymore to be so concerned about it.
How can I support something that I am not entirely convinced of myself? Why aren't I convinced? Apparently I don't have enough FAITH?? WHY DOES THIS REQUIRE SO MUCH THOUGHT??

Remember when it was so pure, unadulterated, and unpolitical? Remember when I wanted to know more? Am I the same person? Was I supposed to change? If I did change, was that change a total FAKE?
WHY DOES THIS MATTER?

I should be in bed, asleep, content that I have a nice and toasty dorm room, ate dinner tonight, got an A on my science test, and whatever. Safe because I didn't offend anyone today, I didn't do anything couragous, nothing to foster my mission to change the world. Kept my perspective as the perpetual observer.

But I'm not. I'm sitting here at my desk at 2:30 in the morning with an unnatural faint white light cast upon my face, putting into words this frustrating intangible ache for my own sake, knowing full well several people will read this.

But whatever; I've made this blunt attempt, and perhaps now I can quiet my heart enough to settle my entire self to sleep.

And for the trillionth time, I return to this:

let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough.

Well. I now have more to say.

I saw Jeremy Camp tonight.
He was really good! There is something so real about him that makes him so easy to relate to. Plus vocal quality is basically the same as on his produced CD's, so that's awesome too. There was a hockey game before it, and that was fun as well.

Too bad its way freaking cold outside. I don't think I have ever been this cold here. At home, yes, and if its this cold here, I can't imagine how absolutely frigid it is at home.

I actually made it through the day without drinking one of these!! I have become slightly obsessed, but its a great way to drink water and still get a sweet taste that I occassionally crave. mmmm...

Well its siblings weekend here, and thats always fun. I wish my sisters were here. Michelle and her sister have arrived to sleep over, so I suppose that's all for me now.

I was all excited to post, then I realized I didn't really have much to say.

I'm listening to "Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse" by Minus the Bear. oh, so good.

"Svefn-G-Englar"
Sigur Ros

WHERE IS BISHOP ALLEN????

It hasn't come yet. I'm sure it will. I feel like such a little kid when I scramble to shove my key into my mailbox to see if it's there.

Anyway, yes, I am still alive, doing homework, going to class. There was this near-death experience with Microsoft Excel on Monday, but I escaped with a sprained ankle, a black eye, and five good-looking and attractive graphs.

I basically had to throw myself out of bed this morning to go to history class, but I did have enough time to make myself look presentable and get out the door in time. I get the impression my History teacher wishes he was an undergrad student again because he's always joking around and swearing and being cool and dressing well, and lets face it, undergrad years for him were probably less than ten years ago. And I'm not trying to say, oh man, he's trying too hard, he actually does it quite well. There's a way to relate to undergrads; he knows how to.
I love too how I don't have to have the book memorized verbatim to do well in that class. Well, maybe I do feel a little guilty, in that I feel I should be drawing up ten pages of notes per chapter so I am to be an expert in Modern Middle-Eastern history. But what's my excuse? That it doesn't come easy for me?
Now, my Developmental Disabilities class I like, because I know whats going on, and I read the textbook and even though if you just glance at it its a ton of medical/genetic/biological/legal jargon, I'm locked in. Solid.

I went to a Council for Exceptional Children meeting last night, and we had a speaker (a teacher in the ED. Department) who got everyone at the meeting movin' in Creative Movement. We did a lot of active stuff that we could do with kids, complete with music and scarves, and it was really great, giving up all inhibitions. With a lot of stuff that we could probably do at camp this summer. But really, you can't be a little kid teacher and be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Anyways, even though it was really an awesome seminar, I think if I tell other people I don't think they will see the credibility in what we did, aka laugh and roll their eyes. Why is it I seem to do alot of things that induce that? I'm totally serious.

Along those same lines, I was really excited to get all these Ben Gibbard live tracks that involve him, an acoustic guitar, and a (mostly) agreeable audience. It's really awesome. So calming and sad at the same time (well, it IS Ben Gibbard). But I like it alot.

A few random thoughts before I lay them all to rest.

Hopefully we can show the powerpoint presentation I made at Cru tomorrow night. It takes awhile to make.

I ordered the Bishop Allen January EP. The website says they hand address all 1000 copies. I also feel guilty for spending $5 on music. But I think I'm going to be thrilled when it comes. And "Corazon" is an amazing song.

I'll stop now.

I think I'm really busy. I would assume "busy" means having something planned all of the time, and occasionally there's something else I didn't realize I had to do that needs to get done.

And this gnawing feeling in my stomach keeps on gnawing.

"come on and teach me your songs, Corazon..."

We were playing two truths and a lie in one of my classes on Monday. Here were mine:

*I am allergic to cats.
*My dad is an alumni of this school.
*I enjoy calculus.

As I said that last one, the entire class moaned and said "Oh of COURSE it's Calculus that's the lie."

Then I said, "Actually, my dad didn't to go school here."

People looked at me funny.

Oh, fine.

I just listened to this song by the band Boy Least Likely To, called "I'm glad I hitched my Apple Wagon to Your Star," which, incidentally, is based off a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, which i saw on a web page that I have had minimalized on my computer for about five days, just because Emerson has some great quotes.

Also, Boy Least Likely To is super cute, and you will see why. First off, they have this adorable video with these uber cute animals:


and the name of their debut release is called The Best Party Ever! How fun is that?!

But seriously, I have to listen a little bit more to decide if I really like the music.

I am getting so sick of reading my Middle East History book. I read it once already, but I sat in front of it for an hour or two tonight, and my heart was definitely not into taking notes. And it's totally straight fact. Bleeehh.

I've been feeling very awkward with myself lately. And my body is doing weird things, like my skin wigging out all the freaking time and my contacts being uncooperative. Meeh.
It's also weird to look around and finding myself hanging with some different people. Like, Friday night I hung out with people I didn't know before that night. It was a lot of fun, though, and its helping to give me some direction. And I'm not entirely sure what I mean by that, but I'm getting there.

Tonight at worship we had a great speaker that talked about how so many Christians focus on their own holiness and forget how they are supposed to love other people. He read this great clip from Philip Yancey's What's so Amazing About Grace? which you can read here if you have a gmail account. If you can't read it, the point Yancey is making is that some Christians try so hard to be doctrinally "right," but can exhibit abhorrent hatred at the same time; whereas you can get people who knowingly live in sin but are brimming with love for other people and God. I certainly don't have the judgement to say which is "right," but it certainly puts a different perspective on things.

I can't say I was "changed" by this talk, because I had held those beliefs before. It was nice to hear, though, that I'm not the only one to think like that. It can get a bit disheartening to occasionally get the feeling that I'm "wrong" on how I think it's right to live my life.

What do you think?

Maybe I'll get back to this Middle East History. Sleep would be good, too.

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I made oatmeal a new way today. I heated the water FIRST, then poured it in the oatmeal.

I like it better this way.

hi.

a few things, i'm exhausted.

I took a random road trip to Chicago this weekend. In the short time I was gone, I concluded that at this point right now, a boyfriend is absolutely out of the question. I keep seeing my friends that are very devoted to their significant others, (keep in mind there is definitely nothing wrong with that) and they seem so fit for each other and so mature about their relationship and willing to make sacrifices. Who knows, perhaps I really am just obsessed with myself, but I think its more like I am a freak about losing my freedom. I guess I'm pretty weird like that.

Then again, maybe a distraction would be nice; I spent too much time downloading mp3's from the internet tonight--I did find some good ones, though, like all three Sufjan Stevens Christmas EP's in their enterity. Uh-huh!

I actually understood my Middle-East History book tonight when I was taking notes. Go figure.

On a side note, I've come to really like Tegan and Sara. Plus, Bishop Allen is coming out with a new album later this year, with monthly EP's til then!

Okay, so I'm not that pissed-off girl that I was earlier this week. Things were making me frustrated. BLAH.

I found things to keep me occupied, like taking down the entire Christmas tree, learning how to run the register at work, going to Adult Swim where everyone was three times older than me, getting my new spectacles, getting my car in for the big 30,000 mile checkup, and downloading too much free music off the internet. Oh yeah, and that $15 iTunes giftcard I had is going fast, and I have $5.10 left, and theres a little box with the amount in it at the top of the iTunes music store window and its burning a hole in my proverbial pocket, but I keep holding off, but that little box is constantly screaming FIVE MORE SONGS!!!!

But anyway, things turned out all right.

Now I have to undertake the daunting task of packing, which I didn't entirely unpack in the first place when I came home, so it shouldn't be too bad, right?

GAWD this time next week I'll be doing homework. SUUUUUCK.

this whole post is stupid.

UGH

Today I watched, for several hours, my little sister's volleyball team play in a mini-tournament. They did quite a nice job, props to them!
I should also probably rephrase that first sentence however. "Today I mustered up a lot of energy to restrain myself to the bench and not leap out to the volleyball court and start smashing balls around and instead just sat there and watched, for several hours, my little sister's volleyball team play in a mini-tournament."

I've been in the habit of playing GemShop, which is a good fun game. In the habit meaning several, several hours of it over the past week. Also my family gets a kick out of saying JEMCHOP, which is really how GemShop sounds when you say it out loud; you should try it.

Sigh, having nothing to do is so much more fun when there are things I should be doing. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, really, because look at all those people doing stuff that wish they were doing nothing. It's ok, I'm making a list for this week. Productivity will be my middle name. And I'll do things like "vacuum" and "clean," words that only enter my vocabulary about three times per year. And then maybe I'll sit and think of ways I can expand that to maintain my own household when I am an adult.

and eep! They finally had The Bens EP at the library, so its time for me to jam out to that!

and really, don't listen to me complain. no point in it.

This morning while I was "waking up," or listening to my alarm (Top-40 radio) while more than half asleep, I heard a new song. "This feels good," I thought to myself as I turned over, eyes closed, and curled up, the music drifting to my ears from a somewhere.
Later I was thinking, "Hmmm...that was a good song, I'll look it up." So I went in the iTunes music store and thought it was a Goo Goo Dolls song, and by golly they had a single that came out about a month ago. So I previewed it, confirmed it was the song "Better Days," the same one that I had heard earlier, and bought it.

It's very good, and I'm glad I got to experience it in that half-awake state. It's the best musical embodiment of Hope that I have heard in a long time.

I got my new glasses today, well picked them out at least. I like them, they are a bit edgier than I am used to, but I think that's what I wanted. I almost went with some uber thick/sharp black frames, but I guess I'm not THAT edgy. My mom gently/motherly/firmly reminded me this is the last pair that she is going to buy for me ever, because by the next time I need a new pair I will need to buy myself because I will have a full time job with benefits. At least, I hope.

I'm not working as much, so that's a good thing I guess, but now I am around in my room not doing too much. I'm in the mood for acoustic music, slightly contemplative but not sad, so matt wertz and death cab are musing me. And this is me not name dropping anymore.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit guilty because I picked up all of these books at the library but I don't feel like reading them. There is a simple solution to that, to pick one up and read it. And if I can't simply pick up a book, how am I going to change the world? I need to work on that. Or just damn do something.
Maybe the first step in that direction is starting to go to bed before 2:30. Hmm...

I wish I had more interesting things to say, except I haven't done much. And sometimes I regret that.

I really want someone to ask me a question that will make me think and question myself. I've been feeling uncomfortably comfortable lately.

I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain-deathcab

hi.

It's another late night in my life, and it's a characteristic that I wish wasn't turning into a habit. I've got crap all over my bedroom floor, but really, what else is new. Now that I'm done complaining about stupid things...

The holiday break has been relatively decent for me. Positively, I have been working many hours, therefore bringing in an okay paycheck, and that job has been just fine for me -- surviving in the retail world isn't so bad. I guess I could talk about that later too. I've also been able to see many of my friends, and realize how much I really do love them. And even though it's been scattered, sporadic, and a bit fleeting at times, it's been wonderful being at home with my family.

Some of the negatives, I suppose, are better left unsaid, but I will say one thing. I had been in the mindset that if I think I do things God wants me to do, and then I ask Him for things, I will surely get them. How humbling it is then, to realize that there really are greater things than I, and things don't always go the way I want. But somehow the things I don't understand or realize I need are taken care of, often with me not even acknowledging it.

That being said, I must say this is a better holiday break than last year. I'm not beating myself up for being what seemed to be two different people, instead I'm interested in solidating this one person. I feel more, not necessarily confident, but more convicted, if you will.

But, enough about my personal philosophizing. I'm enjoying my job but I visited camp on Friday, and I just missed it. I've been making sales, though, and since I work in retail, I think it's a good thing that people are buying things that I help them pick out. Also, I'm anticipating a new pair of glasses in the next few weeks because the ones I have now look tilted on my face. It doesn't bother me, but I guess it annoys my family who is forced to look at my crooked-glasses face. A lot like how they seriously forced me to use a pencil instead of a pen in Soduko puzzles, which I continually attempt/fail, both in doing the puzzles and pronouncing that word Soduko. That's okay, I'm sure its only for the best, hehehehe. And did you know that there is a Sigur Ros song in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou? Sure is. Well I'm off to bed even though its another effing two am night. But first, in the spirit of a new year (and another month under "Barchives"!) here is a nice quote I saw earlier this evening.

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney