well then, i finally did it.

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits:	"extraordinary machine" - fiona apple
Waking up:	"learning to breathe" - switchfoot
Average day:	"in the aeroplane over the sea" - neutral milk hotel
First date:	"first day of my life" - bright eyes
Falling in love:	"simple as it should be" - tristan prettyman
Love scene:	"bedshaped" - keane
Fight scene:	"i predict a riot" - kaiser chiefs
Breaking up:	"play crack the sky" - brand new
Getting back together:	"breakdown" - mae
Secret love:	"une année sans lumière" - the arcade fire
Life's okay:	"stars" - david crowder band
Mental breakdown:	"lonely nation" - switchfoot
Driving:	"life of artic sounds" - modest mouse
Learning a lesson:	"let it all out" - relient k
Deep thought:	"you" - switchfoot
Flashback:	"soco amaretto lime" - brand new
Partying:	"dance and shout" - shaggy
Happy dance:	"all for swinging you around" - the new pornographers
Regreting:	"let you down" - goldrush
Long night alone:	"the engine driver" - the decemberists
Death scene:	"heysátan" - sigur rós
Closing credits:	"new slang" - the shins
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

work was kind of tiring, and i guess typical "first day on the job" things happened.

And it's done.

an IM conversation from about 45 minutes ago. dont get caught up in the "bec"'s:
becca: becky
becca: you're not doing work
becca: are you?
becky: shoot. nope
becca: hahaha
becky: :-)
becca: caught ya
becky: i am...doing something
becky: my homework is on my desk
becca: that's good
becky: i'm listening to music i would like to buy
becca: small steps
becky: right...and i wrote my name on it
becca: good!

you know what i've done today?
a lot of not much. and last nite? not a whole lot.

but, oh, i've had a good time. its my last weekend in college for the year, and i needed to do some chillout things. i had some great roomie time last nite, and pizza tonite was great. as much as i am looking forward to going home, there's some sadness about not being here. and i've already had to say goodbye to erin.

i keep looking at this test i'm supposed to take. 5 short essay questions just seem like too much. somehow it will get done.

today at church, my favorite priest talked about joy and happiness. he said that happiness/joy isn't really a feeling, its a state of mind. people can be feeling sad, but if they have a fulfilled life in faith, they can feel sad but still be joyful. whereas, a person can go around looking for pleasure all the time that makes them "feel" happy time to time, but they don't have that inherant joy. because joy is a gift from God.

it was good.

another thing i did today was find more music that i'd like to acquire. but i have promised myself that i wouldnt buy any more music for myself until after Christmas. i'm a little proud of myself that i didn't compromise that.

so, i'll just stick with the free mp3's.

but check out this song! it's by this band called Bishop Allen -- their album came out in 2003 but i just found out about them.

eee this is a multimedia post!!
Bishop Allen - "Busted Heart"
you should right click and do "save as" and then listen to it. and if you like it go to their website and download three more. and listen again and again and sing along.
i saw a comment that they sound like Modest Mouse, but they are too happy for comparisons to them. i guess i can hear it, but not really.

but anyway, thats one new favorite. would i be good at promoting? maybe.
haha, perhaps i could promote nerdy indie pop to my students. then again, if i talked to my students about music, we'd never get anything done.

speaking of students, i am being a bad one by not doing this take home test. then again, i really should stop making myself feel guilty.

oh, so update on my Friday Finals:
i went to see the midnight show of the Chronicles of Narnia, so I got back to my room about 3:30 am. i went to bed for about four hours, got up, took my Human Development final (which i took a bit sluggishly, but i think accurately). then i came back to my room and took a glorious two hour nap. then i re-woke up and found jess was eating lunch, so i figured it was time to really start my day.

isnt it funny that when you do that, its easy to think of that brief period you were awake was a dream?

anyway, i poked around for a few hours and somehow found myself in my Health classroom with 1000 page textbook, binder full of notes from the entire semester, a calculator, a pencil, and a Fifteen Page Semester Final Test. hoo-boy.
i think it went well. i did alot of flurrying through the book and notes, looking for things such as what i'm supposed to take Universal Precautions for, how many calories are in three grams of fat, and what a full service health center at a school is called. well, i flipped fast enough that i was able to find justifiable answers. 200 points boo-yow.
AND i turned in my paper!! woooooooooooooooo!

now maybe i'll start those essays. or not. either way, i'll be sitting here jammin out to Bishop Allen. hehehe :-D

I AM:
-overyjoyed by the beauty of the shimmery snow
-sick of studying
-pleasantly surprised by the music of Steve Burns
-listening to the punk awesomeness of "entertain" by sleater-kinney to wake my head up
-hoping staying out late again tonite does not have highly regrettable consequences


mmmboy am i sure looking forward to 4:30 Friday, December 9th, 2005.

1, 2, 3! If you wanna take a shot at me,
Get in line
1, 2, 3! I've had all my shots
and I'm fine
s-k

well i did finish!! all i need to do is add an intro and awkward introduction and edit it. we'll see how bad my composing gets at 2:45 am.

but now i'm awake, and need to get ready to go out to lunch. then the rest of the day is mine to sleep and study. and i can bet you that a minimal amount is going to be spent instead of a dumb computer monitor.

and ilana sure is right, when else can ya do something like this??? weee!

oh boy. i've passed the six hour mark.

but i'm almost done! and almost asleep!

i wonder if they would let me spend the night in the break room.

iPod died about 1...hmm...yet i seem to be managing. i should run to the bathroom to see if my eyes are crossed yet.

weeeeee post from the library computer!!

i just returned the loan laptop right on time, and the loan time is four hours. blehhhhhh.

now i'm in the PC lab.

oddly enough, i still feel like marching onward with this paper. i have an extensive references page, which is a bit redundant, but it's all there. and i'm onto page 3 of 7-10, and i'm feelin pretty good about it. Casting Crowns is in the iPod, i just hope it doesn't die in less than an hour.

the 1st floor of the library is open 24 hours, and it's like a party down here! good thing i have my headphones on.

well--here we go!

yesssssssssssssssssss for no more classes.

health is driving me nuts. oh, the irony!!

yet i'm continually being shown it could be worse.

....back to it....

mmmmhmmmmmmhmmmmm

so, finals start on this friday. i am out to make it the best time ever, unlike last year which was the worst time ever.

This past week i have
1. eaten cocoa puffs with chocolate milk
2. learned the couch game
3. bought "the twelve days of Xmas" by Relient k and listened to it at least 16 times
4. eaten Lucky Charms with chocolate milk
5. watched Love Actually twice (and i'm still not sick of it!!)
6. started listening to Christmas music!
7. got a job at Bath and Body Works!
8. redid my blog!
9. had my last regular Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday sets of classes of the semester!
10. WAS AT HOME!! DID I REALLY COME ONE WEEK AGO?!?!?

i have listened SO MUCH to loud and exciting music in the past week, there hasn't been many calm moments. i am feeling crazy and excited and so alive. i need to channel this, which i sort of am, but not completely. i might actually start my health paper today which would be fantastic.

i wish i could see Falling Up tonite at the See Spot Rock Show, but i dont feel like spending precious twenty dollars to see them play---dangit i missed battle of the bands!!!!!!----for kids who are probably still in high school, along with three other bands. i bet it would be a good show...yay Falling Up! i'll just listen to "Arafax Deep" quite a few times.

okay, now OFF TO CONQUER THE WORLD!! or just get some homework done.

ah. just the way i want it.

soo...i just wanted to add the audioscrobbler thingy to the right(which is quite awesome, i must admit) then i went on an all-out bloggy transformation. i think i need to fix some things, but i'm sick of html and i've probably wasted far enough time. check back later for improvements. maybe.

i got up this morning, after deliciously sleeping in 45 minutes, read my pal Erin's away message, then bolted to the window. this is what i saw.



its snow! this is first time its stuck to the ground here. it made me feel happier than i thought it would, i think partially because i was 100% not expecting it. and here we have it. on the first day of December! perfect.

today has been happily crazy. first the sleeping in, the snow, then my red sweater/shoes combo, wating ten minutes for them to open the cafeteria, psych test. and crazy loud music the whole time, at least in my head. and i couldnt help but groove with my iPod on the way to class. some people stared, other people smiled, but importantly, i was having a blast.

Carly is coming soon and we are getting ready for Christmas Cru meeting tonite. should be the best meeting of the semester, although sad as it is the last.

i should put on the Christmas music. maybe.

excitedly, i don't have any more immediate homework until finals start. granted, i have a couple papers and a few more tweaks to my lesson plan, mais ca, c'est tout!

thats all. ooo and i get December 2005 over in the "Barchives." yessssssssssssssssss.

um, thanksgiving break is already over.

i had a good time, and of course it was great to see everyone that i did. it did go really fast though.

i have a lot of stuff to do for classes, and i fear i won't get it all done. i think i will, like i usually do, but it is still a bit daunting.

but i'm not freaking out about it. quite the contrary, actually. i feel like i have this calm over me. a feeling of great contentment, and a sense that God's got a hold of my problems. of course i've got issues, but i have this assurance that everything is going to be okay.

and i'm enjoying it, because, unfortunately, this doesn't happen as much as i wish it did.

therefore, i am listening to Audio Adrenaline's "It is Well With my Soul" and David Crowder's "Stars" (which is an amazing song and you all should hear it -- all of the words and melody and rhyme and imagery all just fall perfectly into place)

on a side note, i have gotten my hair cut. its a bit more drastic than i anticipated, but whatever, its something different. and i've had more people say "i like your hair!" than "you cut your hair!" so, i think thats a good thing.

a few more spins of some songs, a lil bit of Human Development homework, then time for bed.

do you think posting will make me do my homework? perhaps.

anyway, talk about a weekend! i love being in college.

i'm still recovering from that insanity last weekend. but sleeping til ten two days in a row certainly helps.

i do have a lot of homework this weekend, but i've got a "no sweat!" attitude about it!

it struck me the other day, finally, that i can go home soon! its been awhile, and i'm looking forward to it. its been nearly a month since i've seen my family!

i've been listening to Sigur Rós quite a lot lately, and i saw the video for Glósóli, which was amazing. mmmm soo good....i'm so glad i bought the cd.

played volleyball with Brittany this afternoon, it was fun! passing back and forth with a fellow volleyball player has been greatly missed.

to my friends from home, SEE YOU SOON!! ;-D

mmm...wednesdays.

I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE LEFT OF THE SEMESTER!

today could have been an awful day. i didn't want to get up, it was cold, i forgot my cell phone, it was hot in the library, tutoring was intense, they had no grilled chicken at blimpies, all my classes went mostly the whole length, i missed a meeting.

lets take a look at this.
i didn't want to get up. i did get up, and got a Starbucks Frappacino, and left for class at 8:58, but i followed my professor into the building. oh, and i STILL saw jake on the way to class, hahaha, oh it never fails.
it was cold. it sure was windy. but mmm for hot chocolate, and in all reality, not being THAT cold.
i forgot my cell phone. um, not big deal.
it was hot in the library. took my sweatshirt off. and it was warm and cozy and i listened to relient k while studying.
tutoring was intense. but after beating that problem to death she GOT IT!!!! it was amazing.
they had no grilled chicken at blimpies. well, that was kind of sucky. i'm sure it will be extra delicious next time.
all my classes went mostly the whole length. BUT i got three quizzes out of the way, and in my other evening class we had a speaker about Autism and Special Education and Inclusion. my goodness, i was a bit frightened with how entralled i was.
i missed a meeting. oh...oops. thats what i get for not writing stuff down. but apparently a lot of other people missed the meeting. i'm really glad i haven't forgotten any tutoring meetings though.

AND my tutee cancelled tomorrow morning, so i can sleep in until eleven if i wanted to. but i've been so busy i've been avoiding the gym, so maybe i should hit that up. plus i'm shopping for Cru with Carly; we have no idea what we are going to buy, but...

hmmm...that relient k this morning sounded UHmazing. especially "Sadie Hawkins Dance," JEEZ i hadn't heard that song in a really long time. relient k is good study music, and if you are surprised by that, consider this; its got this driving force in it, it doesnt mingle around, distracting me from what i should be doing, its pushing me, narrowing my focus right down to that...frickin...homework...

but wow, i can actually breathe now. i was dying by Sunday night. somehow that paper got done for tuesday, and somehow my lesson plan got all worked out and my teacher said it was actually pretty ok, and somehow i got my advancement application turned in.

oh, by the way, i've spent an awful lot of time looking at Questionable Content during "regain sanity" sessions. in that i've been reading that webcomic...duh...

so, i've got phrases like "aerodynamically curvacious" goin' through my brain...ahahaha, good stuff! well, anyway, i'm on strip 265. as of today, they have 493. so i still have a ways to go.

time to do some stuff! love love love...
bye for now

i was going to post this picture last night, but i wanted it to seem like i was doing homework.
right...exactly like i'm not right now.


anyway, that is the forcast for my hometown. looks pretty, doesn't it? my sister is hoping for a snow day.

i've realized the lack of insight i've had here, in like, forever. i guess i dump all my genius into my homework. er, ok.

well if that is the case my genius is depleted as of right now, as I can't think of anything to say for my diversity paper. i guess it would help if i fully understood what i should be writing.

hahaha

but really, its not THAT bad. i have to talk about a gender sensitive framework in the classroom. and honestly, i wanted to start this paper last Wednesday. it just didn't happen, somehow -- i had stuff to do like meetings and lesson plans and application essays and symphonies. even the ridiculous amount of time i spent in the library could not eleviate the load.

i took extra special precautions to get this paper done. i even signed off AIM. now isn't that discipline?

i hear you snickering. i'm updating my blog, you say. thats because i need a reburst of creative juices. whatever that means.

on a plus side, my tutoring hours have been picking up at warp speed. its kind of fun, i hope that i am of help to my tutees. and none of them need my help in calculus, hoorah! as of scheduled at this point, i'll have at least three and a half hours for my next paycheck. exceptional.

hmm...what else. i've been listening to Jars of Clay while doing this paper, and i've enjoyed it more than i thought i would. also, i go home in just eight days.

likesomeonelselikeyoume.

we were learning about depression in psychology today. it makes me think about things i'd rather forget.

i am still missing summer.

WHO'S YOUR MOM!

oh, i love it :-)

well i guess i had better get back to this paper. boys and girls...are equal! and culture has lots to do with it! and i...am hopefully not stuck!! anymore!!

woo woo! i've got november's mixtape!

"November Rocks"
I'm Still Here - Johnny Rzeznik
Cash Machine - Hard-Fi
Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party
Just For You - William Tell
Cowbell - Tapes 'n Tapes
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
Kissing the Lipless - The Shins
Magnetic North - Rane
Hash Pipe - Weezer
Red, Red, Red - Fiona Apple
Shy That Way - Jason Mraz/Tristan Prettyman
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
Men of Station - 13 & God
Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab for Cutie
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Sorry or Please - Kings of Convenience
Close to Me - The Cure
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
Bog People - Xiu Xiu
Ghosts - Ted Leo & Pharmacists

notice the first song...i'm in love all over again. i did a ton of homework today and i'm about to do more. but now i have my fresh playlist and i'm set to go.

i miss summer.

i was having avantis with carly today and i started talking about my summer job, and how i was bitten, i learned takedowns, and played with kids with autism.

i think this is a culmination of starting my new tutoring job, looking for a job, my sickness of doing homework, the end of my observation, talking to katie and kelli, and the Sugar Ray music i'm listening to. but seriously.

it seems like its been too long since i was just out somewhere helping people out. dealing with spontenaity. doing something with the solitary intent of helping the kids have a good time. learning in the midst of craziness.

but i do love my new tutoring job. my tutee is an adorable seven year old, and makes me feel home again. i miss that immersion though, constantly thinking about CAMP!

ok, i'm not obsessed, honestly. but as hard as it was, it was ironically simple, in that i just did what had to be done; there were no ways around it. and dammit, it was fun.

i've just got to stay true to myself.

Do you remember
The summers that lasted so long
June til September
Was our time to sing all the songs
Do you remember
All of us together

hmm...well look at this, it's wednesday night. one of my most desired places to be.

this week has been so slow, and i can't believe that i was miserably sick last week. that was last week, right?

now my focus is job apps and advancement application and papers due next week.

agh, sometimes i wish i could see how other people view me. what if i'm being ignorant and i don't even know it?

i need to go work out.

i was bored, so i decided to post.

then i realized i didn't really have anything to say.

:-)

yeah, i'm having a hard time focusing on studying for my midterm tomorrow. even though its been lessened to a "quiz." theres still a tenative fair amount of information i should know.

blah.

so, at the request of about seven people, i went to health services on Monday. no, kelli, they didn't give me a pregnancy test. rather the doctor listened to my back with a stethescope for five times as long as doctors usually do, and i coughed and wheezed my way through deep breaths. when i expect the "oh you'll be fine" he sits back and says "you have this condition called 'walking pneumonia'". oh, ok.
i'm instructed i need to go get some pills and i'll feel better by the end of the week.
so, i got the red pills and i take one a day, and i feel as if i were to move too fast i'll puke. its also a nice excuse to take a nap, and not study for said midterm. its also nice to not have a modified man-like voice. but still sucks that i have a ferocious cough, and people are unfortunate to be around me when i do so.

aside from that, i think things are ok. i'm trying to take things pretty easy. i also heard the question....What if I have everything i need, right now? Imagine that, having everything I need...not searching for something else to make myself complete...
I know that God is all i need, aside from a few good people in my life, as I am human myself. which I have.
i'm gonna work on that.

anyway, i thought you would enjoy some pictures from this weekend.
this is a picture of us girls at the pumpkin patch/apple orchard.





and the truck/float, which i got to drive! seriously, one of the coolest experiences of my life.

hmmm. so i definitely went to bed after two am. and i definitely woke up at 5:30 this morning.

and frankly, all i really feel like doing is sleeping, but i can't. my mind is too busy processing thoughts about driving a pick-up truck, getting a float out of the Cru office, getting help for said float, and "over my head (cable car)" by The Fray.

that's right. i get to drive a pick-up truck. and i feel giddy everytime i think about it. why? i'm not sure.

as for that song, its only about 8:30 and i think i've listened to it about twenty times already today. right now i'm forcing myself to listen to other things just so i don't drive myself crazy, but at the moment, nothing sounds quite as good as hearing "everyone knows i'm in over my head" over and over again.

its mornings like this i wish i was at home and it was summer, then i could go anywhere i wanted outside just by myself.

but this is Peoria, and thirty degrees outside.

at least i'm not feeling as sick as i was earlier this week; i was getting afraid my cold was chronic. but i was able to get cold medicine from CVS, signing a waiver that i wouldn't take it home and make a batch of meth with it. katie and kelli i know you are laughing hysterically right now.

everyone knows i'm in over my head, over my head

i think i am doing better in my views about myself. becca reminded me of a quote i have loved since i heard it, but i had forgotten about. i actually think i wrote about it here...but anyways, its "to be humble, think about yourself less instead of thinking less about yourself."
i still catch myself, but the least i could ask for is self-awareness.

i went to lunch with carly this week, and, like usual, was really good discussion. it was really an adventurous feeling sharing our views on faith and God and church with each other while people were constantly walking past our restraunt table.
it felt illegal, almost; i wonder if people were listening. but it was still exhilarating.

well, meg and i are getting brunch in an hour, maybe i'll lay down til 9:30, when i'm supposed to really be waking up.

the following is NOT from The Fray. i know, weird and you thought it was impossible.

yes i'm blue
but from holding my breath
-guster

this is a deliberation post. because i don't really have much to say. maybe i will later?

life is good.

so its reached the point of mid-afternoon on a Sunday and how much homework have i done?

thats right, none.

anyways, i am finally starting to get my positivity back. it took a weekend of lots of gal-pal time, and a few purchases, but i am ready to face the world. the bravest thing i have is hope.

one such purchase was Takk... by Sigur Rós. it is very amazing, and so happy. i listen to it, and i have to deliberately bring myself back to reality from the daydream daze that i get lost in.

i feel a cold coming on, and i really would not like one right now. however, it is probably a consequence of staying up really late friday and eating junk food, i suppose it is worth it. anyways, i am overdosing on Vitamin C products, such as orange juice, apples, fruit snacks, and Tums, and trying to drink lots of water.

homework forcast for the week is fair, with one midterm on tuesday and no Human Development class on monday! However I have to have a Unit done by wednesday...i wonder how long thats going to take me.

anyways, i have been making progress on my new favorite webcomic, Questionable Content. common subjects are annoying music hipsters, cute little robots, indie music, and awkward male/female encounters. does it get any better? here is one of my favorites thus far...

alright. time for that homework!

blah is about all i can say right now.

basically i'm still disgusted with myself.
i need some sort of a new start.

how do i go about doing that?

i'm stuck. so therefore, i blog.

my 225 test was easy, i whipped right through. i think the words actually progressed unto my LTM. thats long term memory to you non-psychology folk.

SPEAKING OF psychology, thats what i'm stuck on. i was going through, half-mindedly copying the purple bold words down into my notebook, but i got through two chapters, then realized there were seriously, fifty words in the next two chapters. crap. i dont have time for just definitions. i need comprehensive...ivity.

SO!

i'll cram-a-lam through my notes, trying very hard to concentrate. and then! never put off studying again!

we'll see how that goes with my midterm next tuesday.

today was a very interesting day in that i actually got up and took a shower before my 9am. I KNOW! then i did some errands around campus. saw a few people. got stuff done.

uh-huh.

for my teaching strategies class, i have to come up with a lesson plan. i find her strategy to be very interesting, in that she assigns us to do teacher-y stuff, then throws us in, and we as students find we can swim better than we think we can. a bit lost in the process, but things turn out ok.

i feel like i am going back to where i was, but i can't help it! fortunately i feel like i'm moving on with my life. i'm not stuck, thats only in psychology.

i made a mix CD for myself this evening, its like my October mix, i seem to come up with a new one with my accumulation of singles every once a month. anyway i was quite thrilled and it has some jack's mannequin and some Of Montreal and other snappy songs that Insound has as free downloads. like this song by Longwave (funny story: i get a tune in my head and then think, jee, i wish i had that song, and then i realize, very happily, that i do! its "theres a fire" by Longwave!) it also has "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, HOLY CRAP I BOUGHT LOVE HURTS FROM THE ITUNES STORE! oh...so good...ACK I BOUGHT IT! I OWN IT! NAZARETH!

tomorrow is the best day of the week, thursday, so i'm hoping this psych test wont put too much of a damper on it. hooty hoo!

so, a lil bit more studying. i'm sure i'll be fine. but read theeeeese from The Format (another song on my mix CD! hotttttddddang its awesome!)

You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me

i'm back.
i studied for my 225 vocab test for quite awhile tonite, with impeccable focus and unbeatable efficiency. I hope. i did spend a lot of time rummaging through my iPod and walking my feet on the ceiling, as i laid on my loft as i studied.

tomorrow i'm jumping feet-first into wednesday. at least its no 6:30 morning, or "four aspirin" for that matter.

oof.
the thing about being home is that i get completely off my regular eating schedule. the food is good though.

i spent several hours tonight studying chapter nine in my Human Development book, which is Cognitive Development in Preschool Children. i feel very enlightened and very tired. and also, who knew that what kids do was so complicated? i mean, when i was a little kid i played with dolls and fed them meals. apparently there have been lots and lots of studies on when a child shifts his or her pretend play from entirely focused on him or herself to, say, a doll. there is also somewhat a methodology in observing the errors children make when they count.
it seems like this is more complicated than it should be? i guess for the sake of classification of children, carry on.

have you ever marveled at the power of words? i have found that i can think and think and think something, then if i am sure enough of that thought, i attempt, often with difficulty, to articulate it. then when i've spoken it, the words hang around in the air, free for anyone to hear or perhaps even consider them. they're in a concrete form, they sound so FINAL. at that point, i begin to requestion if thats what i really what i meant or believe.
its comfortable to have lots of things floating around in my head, where the only judge is myself, but i am usually up to considering anything. the scary thing is forming those intangible thoughts into words with actual, real, weight.
i can't ignore what i do though. i could think reeeeely hard, then form an audible insight, then do nothing to show that i do have confidence in what i have said.

to relate those thoughts to me now, i feel like i am having problems communicating. and if you didn't understand that, then i have just proven my point.

i guess i'll just keep doing what i think/hope is right, and maybe stop sometimes to think about it. because we all need to step back and think about what the hell we are doing. and maybe sometimes accept that what i thought was the right thing, maybe is not quite so right anymore. and, amid my humanity, i'll trust that God will give me the opporunities to do all of that.

in the few short days i've been at home, i've had the opportunity to take a step back, and ask myself, what the hell am i doing? and realize i have no idea. this is a good thing, trust me trust me. i'm trying to be less arrogant, and consider and be sensitive to whats going on around me. and DO something. i need to do. care. SHOW.

i know i might not be doing very good in that showing area right now. but let me say i am thankful for friends who love me besides.

i'm not really sure what prompted me to blog about all of that. but i'd like to think that in my telling you, i really believe it. lets see next what i do.

UGH. SOMETIMES I ABSOLUTELY DISGUST MYSELF.

hooray for being home!

matthew thiessen and the earthquakes is so good right now.

hah. what a weekend, and it's not even over yet.

friday i went to an apartment party...there were a few surprises, quite a few games being played, and far too many pirate jokes.

tuh-nite the girls and i went to walmart, and erin and i decided to give the ricekrispytreatsinabowl a shot. and that shot was RIGHT ON!!



mmmyummy! and that tiny little portion is what was left after we basically attacked it, and shared it, and then ate some more. It would be a dangerous thing to give us another bag of marshmallows.

anyways, Duck Hunt + NES + way cool Nintendo gun = a dang good time. grrrls with guns hoo-ah!

i have this sudden urge to listen to Louis XIV's "finding out true love is blind." i dont even really like that song, but i didnt rip it to my computer before i went to school, therefore i do not have it to listen to.

but since i dont have that i'll keep listening to:
"shy that way" jason mraz/tristan prettyman. the song i wish i wrote.
"fix you" coldplay. the whole band sings, c'mon....
"weekends away" math and physics club. not the smiths. fyi. apparently more obvious to some than others...
"wait for the wheels" goldrush. <3.

oh wow...i think i set a record.

usually i'm good about posting within a week, but this is disasterous. i mean, i nearly forgot my Blogger sign in name.

anyway, my life has been relatively eventful, (but apparently not exciting enough to write about?). I went on a retreat last weekend, which was a good time to grow and get to know other people. I definitely feel like I am gaining a good base of friends with the cru group. and yesterday we built a shack in our school's shack-a-thon, and that was a lot of fun. people actually slept in it. i helped build it, and there were momentous occasions where a male allowed me to use the duck (or is it duct? i dont think we ever came to a consensus) tape. *sounds of awhwhwhhwhw* needless to say i felt very useful at certain times. and i don't mean to say that the boys hogged the job, or were being mean about it - they asked for my help. well except maybe one, but he's a self proclaimed chauvinist. whatever, in all of the fun i kind of forgot it was the middle of the week, but thats ok because wednesdays suck.

its also been a week of procrastination, aside from the blog, as i have procrastinated on essentially every assignment for every class. i have a health midterm tomorrow...ick. theres probably seventy vocabulary words to know, ten will be on the test, and no word bank. and that's only one part of the test.

i guess I should be focusing on how this is a MIDTERM.

on a completely unrelated note, sometimes happiness is not having things figured out.

well then. that was the weekend.

i spent it with my mom, which was really very lovely. plenty of good food and girlie movies. :-)

however my vacation of a weekend has me feeling disconnected from this thing called school. now i have to go to class tomorrow morning!

i guess that means i should get some sleep. if i can fall asleep. lately i've been distracted....

ooh boy. i got the new switchfoot cd over the weekend and its very very nice. it is kind of odd to have inexperienced switchfoot songs, and by that i mean that i havent heard the song and then lived and then found myself in that situation and applied it and cried and whatever. a bunch of good stuff....

am i weird when i say i hear traces of newer Relient K?

i sure hope kelli had a good 21st birthday!

right-o. time for bed.

HA! about the fire drill. 7:30 wednesday morning and a couple hundred college students outside all in their pajamas.

just wanted to acknowledge the revamped Coordinate Brain to Mouth. it kind of brings together Whackspoetic and CBTM, don't you think?

anyways, I'm going to take a nap. the time has FINALLY arrived.

i realize yesterday was a mopey post, and i got several sympathies, that for which i am grateful.

after a slight sleeping-in this morning, self pep talk, and a midol, i realized things weren't so bad.

i feel like the homework is just not going to end. of course it will, but seriously, this is the second 2am night in a row. but i have been impressed with myself how focused i have been in doing my homework. i can sit down, say "do this" and then do it. with a break or two, but it still gets done.

except i wish i knew how to "develop a parent letter that describes best practice and explains how parents can expect to see best practice principles applied in their children's classroom." i have until three-ish this afternoon to figure it out. but i did finish my health project (early too!) and my philosophy of education, which i am pleased with. next concern is vocab quiz, but maybe it should be psych test on thursday. talk about a load of information.

i updated my iTunes, and, as the Mac people promised, it is much more "streamlined-looking." ooh how futuristic sounding. this is like huge because it hasnt happened that the actual window is modified. and i have been into the iTunes shuffle, and it plays some good songs. but maybe because thats i skip the songs i dont want to hear.

i've become particularly annoying when it comes to predicting the fire drill to my friends. i'm surprised they haven't conked me on the head yet.

today in Diversity class we talked about how White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, the dominant culture, are "privileged" and they don't even know it. they don't know it because they just dont think about themselves that way, because they can't see themselves from another point of view. i must admit i am mostly in that mold, but what can i do about it? i hate, and i don't hate, looking like i'm ignorant. yeah it happens. it doesn't make me look very good. it makes people who know better than i do to make judgements about me that i wish weren't true.
then i catch mtv's sweet sixteen show and just kind of...hmmm...

oh well. i will just keep working on making myself better.

mrahaha i got a kick out of this quote from our psychology in-class notes last wednesday.
"the hypothalamus is the master gland and regulates the four 'F's: feeding, fighting, fleeing, and reproduction."

on THAT note of inappropriateness, i'd like to give a shout out to my sister who is 13 today!

hrmph. as optimistic as i tried to be today, it didnt really seem to work.

it can only get better, right?

i think...God is trying to remind me that its not up to me. as much as i want to think that i am capable of stuff. i don't know.

i'm probably thinking too much. on the flip side, ilana sent me "first day of my life" by bright eyes. heart.

"its magic, she says to me"

lately i've been listening a lot to mae, just because. gently listening and hearing the words unwrap around the meanings, letting them free and allowing me to make sense of them. and i nod my head in understanding...

physically i am getting better, my nose isn't quite as congested, i cough sometimes, and i'm working out my abdomen with the muscles used in coughing. on a related note, i reached that point that i sometimes reach when i've been outside, and just generally around. the ick point. i havent done much today but go to class, but i still feel gross. i have to wait awhile to take a shower. i already pulled my hair back. i wouldn't be the only one with this problem would i?

today in psychology i learned all about Neuropsychology, by a real live Neuropsychologist. i was very confused. and i was basically just scribbling down words like "norepinephrine," "dendrite," and "sympathetic nervous system." some of the words sound familiar. i think the difficulty in this is that its hard to really know how is it that when i touch something i can tell how warm it is, the texture, what else it feels like, and remember what it feels like, just by laying my finger on it. its all powered by electricity and those weird words, but that still doesn't answer how...
another baffling thing i have been learning about is getting an entire human being out of one cell within nine months.

wow.

its kind of funny how whatever you expect to happen totally doesn't. and then when you aren't expecting it, there it goes and catches you off guard.

i'm trying to just let it happen.

thoink. thoink.

huh.

well, i have a psych quiz tomorrow...i'm not really sure whats going to be on it...i tried studying. but what?
i guess tomorrow i'll at the very least i'll know what the quizzes are like, and we have about eleven of those.

my allergies have been hurting me. bloodshot eyes, sneezes, headache....blahhhhhhhhh.

and for some reason i was crabby today. i'm sorry.

alrighty. i'm back in class, i don't spend enough time outside, i have no money.

yeah. i'm back at school.

but i'm having fun. :-) i enjoy my room, my professors, seeing my friends, and being on my own schedule.

i have a job! now who needs a tutor...??

i got a cassette player, so i can listen to Talking Heads and Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. totally ghetto, but thats why i love it!

i also did something dumb and plunked down a few extra dollars for the new The New Pornographers album, Twin Cinema. BUT, i am totally obsessed with the album and it is THAT good...my audioscrobbler is reflecting this, and its not even counting the innumberable times i've played the cd in my cd player.

the freshmen are here, and i've met some! the ones i have met are all very nice...i've met some through CRU, and some through Special Olympics volunteering. that being said, i'm glad i'm getting more securely in extra-curriculars...i definitely do not miss that shallowness of relationships at the beginning of last year.

but are the relationships with the freshmen shallow ones? ok, ok, i guess they are...but you have to start somewhere. i'm IN now, after a year.

er, more talking in circles...
i'm glad that God has brought me back to Cru...i needed to hear the stuff the other night at the weekly meeting about just being myself. i had been thinking about all that i needed to believe, and finding what i believed...but maybe i knew all along.
i volunteered for Special Olympics bowling event this morning, quite early, but that is ok darlings...anyway, i felt home-ish. i'm always amazed how excited the disabled get about bowling...totally serious! now imagine this on fifty lanes; the place was huuuuuge. anyways, i didn't know that in tournament bowling you switched between two lanes, so initially i was very, very lost. best feeling was that there was this man with Downs that i wasnt sure how good his vision was (he could see, but i am still not sure how well), so i held his hand and guided him to pick out his bowling ball and direct him to the right lane. he never said anything, but one time i felt someone standing next to me and realized it was him, slipping his hand into mine. and sometimes when we were waiting for his ball to be returned, he would kind of lean his head towards me.
he made me smile.

anyways i came back to the room and crashed for two hours, just ask jessica.

are we getting dizzy from talking in circles yet?

i'm calming down from that New Pornographers SUGAH HIIIIII! and am now listening to Badly Drawn Boy (most specifically, Life Turned Upside Down; you know how amazing these lyrics are) but i am going to quote Embrace tonite. think like another Coldplay. (how many more of those are we going to get? these guys are pretty good though...) anyways. these lyrics seem to fit right now.

Baby, It's been a long time waiting
Such a long, long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
And do you hear my heart beating?!
Ah can you hear that sound!?
Cause I can't help crying
And I won't look down

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I, on you and I

i am sad today.

what a great summer. honestly.

it rained a lot today. isn't it nice, though, that no matter how dark the sky gets, and how much rain falls, the sun is still there in the end, and it's going to come again tomorrow.

til peoria, over and out.

i've started packing, and the hallway outside my room is full of crap that i need to haul in our family's minivan down to peoria. and if you get a speedy start, you can dodge everything in the hallway in three carefully placed bounds! and as usual i'm getting stuck in stuff that i really should have gotten rid of at the beginning of the summer (which i recall doing some of...apparently not enough, or i'm less attatched to some of crap)

i'm also feeling fat and pasty, and its not even november. i guess two days of no pool is catching up with me, eh?
meehhhh

i started playing Nancy Drew computer game that Kelli leant me, and i can just tell its going to be hard. i'm up to the challenge, i think...as long as taking a latin course isn't required. haha, then again, i could always cheat....but thats not my style

i'm using this fantastic shuffle feature of iTunes, its the Party Shuffle, and it randomly picks songs and you can either keep em or take them off the list; and when the song is playing, its entry in the list lights up as really pretty blue. the shuffle comes up with songs i wouldnt have picked for myself, but when i see them on the list, i'll listen to it. i guess i have to have some guidance with a library the size of mine. and its not even that big. but see progress at my audioscrobbler.
and just between you and me, i think my iTunes loves Audio Adrenaline. i'm currently listening to the third AudioA song this afternoon. not that thats a bad thing, my iTunes has good taste...what can i say?!

i was quite pleased with the response i got to my last post about camp quotes, maybe i'll even publish a book. but i forgot (HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!!??!?) some of the best quotes of the whole entire summmer!

"and i was like, 'whats the rush?'"
AAAAAAND
"WHO'S YOUR MOM?!?!?

haha, that last one, which i heard probably two hundred times over the course of the summer, is some funny combination of "who's your daddy" and a "yo mama" joke. HAHAHAHA

alright and here's my official answer to "are you excited for going back to school?"
its yes, i'm pumped to experience changes and emotions and goodbyes and hellos and pressure and freedom and everything that makes life dizzying and sad and happy and thrilling and difficult. because its all mashed together into something beautiful in the end.

AH! just realized "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" my second favorite Arcade Fire song has shown up on the Party Shuffle, and it won't be long before its a bright blue! now i must get back to the chaos in the hallway, and make some sense of it (but hey, i was paid all summer to deal with chaos, and THAT chaos ran all over the place and often screamed at me "WHO'S YOUR MOM!!") but i'll leave you with a quote from a song that showed up earlier on my list, and i've vowed to listen to this band more this year.

i guess it's time for a change i never wanted a change i think it's time for a change. -murder by death "intergalactic menopause"

hrmm hrmmm hrrmmmm....

lets see. two days of summer camp left. two more days of...

-two becky's (HAHA kelli)
-"you got cousins? i had chicken last night for dinner. i need to go home tonite."
-anybody got any gloves?
-katie punched me -- again
-"i'm screaming. i'm hurting your ears"
-"lets color. (or swing. or play in the sand. or kick the ball. or play with the blocks.)"
-QUICK! THE DOMINOS!
-"we do not HIT our friends"
-"we've had some complaints..."
-oh boy! more painting for crafts
-DAMMIT I'M "IT" AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
-look! he's actually sitting at a table!!
-"that...that...thats enough...let go of me...just a high five...JUST A HIGH FIVE!!!!"
-"becky, you were probably distracted..."
-um, i need a kleenex...for his whole face...and hands...
-aw shit. more goose shit.
-"i not know how!" For the fifth hundred time!
-"umm...he can't ride with me; i don't have child safety locks"
-"you have that leprosy disease rash again..."
-who's YOUR buddy?

coworkers, i would love more in the comments. ;-)

but soon i have to leave that behind and present myself in the similar way that i left school in May. i've changed, and i feel like so many people are banking on me being the same way i used to be; if it was genuine or not i'm still not sure. it scares me, to be honest...why does it have to be so complicated?

sigh...on a less depressing note, so many good albums are coming out in the upcoming months...ilana and i were discussing this the other day. i need to get it all out so i don't forget...

The New Pornographers-Aug 23
Death Cab for Cutie-Aug 30
Sigur Ros-September 12
Switchfoot-September 13

it seems like there are more. but four is still impressive to remember in my head!!

remember that awesome Sigur Ros quote from last time? check out this thing i found at their website...


handritten from the author. awesome.

anyways, the real quote for today is this...from my dear friends Switchfoot.

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

what uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

the only reason i'm updating is because i want to add "August 2005" to the right of my blog. and not because katie keeps asking me. bahahahaha.

speaking of katie, i hope you get better soon. miserableness is a state i hate to see you in.

went to the mall of america today, and actually found a pair of fitting pants and a Brand New shirt. well, sure its brand new, but its a Brand New shirt.

in another stellar segway, this website is modeled after a Brand New song, and i just decided on Friday that i should change the colors. i'm impressed these lasted this long. its just so....cold. i am waiting for inspiration.

sigh, what else what else. i'm still in a state of mixed confusion, in case you thought i gained a sense of composure or something sensible like that.

last week of work. very sad.

i got a new iPod today, because my poor previous one's battery is dead (as part of Apple's battery replacement program). i have a replacement third-generation new iPod, lacking scratches (and all my songs, for that matter). i felt a pang of panic and loss as the MacGenius at the Mac store replaced my old iPod in the box that the new iPod came in. i didn't even have a chance to say goodbye, or reflect on the times that i would lay in bed, quite sad, and just listen to it.
good old friend.
now my new one is still loading up, down to about The White Stripes in my music library. maybe i'll try it out tonite.

and here's lyrics from Sigur Rós. JEEZ

"Það Besta Sem Guð Hefur Skapað
Er Nýr Dagur"
("the best thing God has created is a new day")
-Viðrar Vel Til Loftárása

hi.

well, its 1:30 ish. i have to get up to take my sister to camp in about seven hours. but i need to settle down.

i went shopping in chicago, and spent a load of money on clothes and stuff. but i haven't been shopping, like, all summer. but i went to Wal-Mart tonite and got a four dollar tee-shirt and ten dollar red sweatpants. my mother graciously picked up the cost, but i was just sooo excited about this fourteen dollar outfit. maybe even more than those cute Nine West slides. aah!

more proof that i am a real idiot: while trimming my eyebrows, i trimmed too much. now i have half an eyebrow above my left eye. pffshhhh

my room is a mess once again. i just don't feel like cleaning it. as a matter of fact, there's a lot of stuff i don't feel like doing. i should make a TO DO list, then a list of stuff i dont want to do. the dont want to do list would cancel out the TO DO list, and then some.
but i did vacuum my car out today. so that's something.

just as all things involving money are taken care of, right?

uhh, sure.

life is quite fluid-like. and yet i feel stuck. well, actually, i feel both. i dont feel upset or extremely frustrated or completely apathetic, just a bit bemused. and maybe a bit more cynical than usual. i dont like it that i keep thinking i'm in the "right" spot, then a while passes and i realize that it wasn't as "right" as i thought it was. whatever "right" is.

i enjoyed the clients so much today at work. little B. has the cutest little giggle, P. was wild child but said my hair was "cute," and C. pretended to be Spongebob and we "pushed" each other into the pool.

*big smile*

time for bed.

Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know here.
-simon&garfunkel

good grief, sonshine was amazing. i don't think i will ever look at hoses the same way, or appreciate water and gatorade so much. and oh yeah, the music freaking rocked.
!!!lalala!!!
it was great spending time with ilana, and i'm surprised we did not go insane by my sister and her friend, but they were still awesome anyway. and of course i got to know about fifty people nonverbally by being hot and sweaty and smothered up next to them. good times, good times!

my computer's wireless internet has not been working quite well at all, so i'm on the family's computer. this is good for quite a few reasons. for kicks, i'll elaborate.

1.today i wasn't late for work!
2.i'm not constantly kicked offline by using fam computer thus causing less frustration!
3.i'm not downloading free music like a madwoman!

i guess that wasn't as fun as i had hoped. but i guess if you want to laugh, click here. you might have to have iTunes for it to work. but hahahahaha!

i need to go to bed.

i am going to SONSHINE til next Sunday. so don't expect any posts from the tent OK?!?!

kelli, consider this your postcard. with images from the unbelievable Switchfoot, Falling Up, Relient K, Roper, and Audio Adrenaline.

now, its time for me to clear all the packing crap from my bed and go to sleep. i'm still working tomorrow, after all.

HOOYAH!

happy birthday angie!

i was told i have to post.

i woke up on saturday, and was quite startled to find that i didnt have to work that day. but then the question crossed my mind, what the heck am i going to do today??? but i enjoyed myself outside, gently acquiring a tan, tossing a frisbee, and coaxing my iPod into working. (sad sniffle)

hmm...lets see. katie and i spent a weekend listening to live music. tonite we saw jessie lang, and she was good. and i survived both her and angie throwing grass at me. you sickos.

after the big reunion on friday, i am now even more excited for sonshine. and of course, it was fantastic seeing ilana.

we're leaving in mere hours!

i should probably go to bed now...see if i'm really tired. work tomorrow. already?!

and i'm not going to do this always, but in the spirit of kelli's return tomorrow, i am doing a quote of the day. and the day was last thursday.

k: aww becky, i can't dunk you in the pool today
b: uhh do it tomorrow
k: but i won't be here
b: KELLI!
k: yeah, well, you're going to be gone for like a MONTH next week

because they don't seem to be putting any art up, i made my own. sorta.

WOO!

thats up just because i reeely wanted to try the new picture hosting blogger does, and because you have to see the smoky picture of our Grand Finale. and it was Grand, let. me. tell. you.

anyways, you know those rare times that you feel like your life makes sense? and theres a chance you may not live your life in complete confusion? i am finding myself in that humbling state of euphoria. but i'll elaborate later, because i am spent.

first off, allow me to commend kelli and the city of stewartville on the fun 4th of july festivities. they were a blast!
grand finales are awesome. even when you can't breathe :-)

so, i was able to go party because i am feeling better...not totally, but i am certainly approaching "healthy." lots of thanks to friends for the "get better"'s.

i was quite impressed with myself this morning because its currently 11 am-ish, and i am showered and dressed for work. all of last week i was scrambling to get my stuff ready and then leaving way late. no more! i got the motivation to get up and shower. of course, my computer has had a part in the distraction process, so changing it from distraction to reward is, well, rewarding.

heh heh heh

damn. i downloaded this song called "desperate" by the killers from the internet yesterday. and theres a good chance you have heard me freak out about it already. its nice and pianoey and not at all like the killers. well, i guess the lyrics could be. but ahhhhhh. am listening to it for the 10th time now.

and random trivia: my music library consists of 4 songs with the word "desperate" in it. huh

my quest to re-remove the word "hate" from my vocabulary is not going as well as i had hoped. at least i am conscious of when i say it, and being conscious could be the first step towards thinking ahead, and therefore finding an alternate way to say something.
its just my reasoning that i dont really "hate" it when the stoplight turns red and i'm in a hurry. its annoying, but i dont hold undescribable wrathful feelings towards the stoplight.
i used to be good about that, but now i'm not, so thats why i say "re-remove."

i had a dream last nite that wasn't very scary, but it was definitely a nightmare. but i am a bit scared.

is anybody else excited that blogger now hosts pictures?

but Hello! was fun too. hmm.

anyways, you know how i mentioned that i was out of commission, i.e. sounding like a strangled man in my last post? well it still applies...

*cue bad circus music*

its the AMAZING changable, enragable, VIRUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

Yes, indeed, folks, this INCREDIBLE VIRUS shows symptoms varying from flu to cold to sinus infection to strep throat -- every day!

*more bad circus music*

Watch, as its victim suffers through seemingly an endless array of illnesses, complete with lost voice!!

and for the Grand Finale...

*drumroll*

there's nothing she can do about it! mwahahaha

*cymbalic TADA*

anyways, back to me, i won't sit here and pretend i'm not bitter, or better, for that matter. but i have regained a semi-use of my voice, and the proverbial resting is what i have been doing a lot of lately. but i am on the road to recovery, no fear. now i'll stop with the freaking SELF PITY.

was on facebook the other day and came across a profile with the year 2009. AAACK! THE FRESHMEN HAVE INFILTRATED FACEBOOK! RUN FO YO LIFE!

i've been listening to a lot of The Arcade Fire this morning. especially the new song "intervention," mmmm tasty.

i've been doing alot of mulling stuff over in my brain lately. i just have this fear that once i let it all spill out of my head it won't make sense anymore.

and i'm listening to more arcade fire now, and ilana, we both know how great this line is.

"between the click of the light and the start of the dream"

it happened again.

notice i was able to say that without expletives. it was hard. shame on me.

but yes, yesterday i experienced poop-in-pool for the second time. numba 2 for numba 2, if you will.

kelli and i cleaned the circumstance up, relatively unscathed but with an odd aversion to Purel.

i think i heard about seven time yesterday questions as if i would still want special ed for my job. i am sure my job will involve a little more learning and a little less mess. besides...

kelli: still want this for your job, becky?
me: still want kids, kelli?

oh dear. what am i going to do when i have relatively the same job but hopefully get paid a little more but i dont get work with the girls.

i finished reading the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book the other nite, which was like half of it, and now I'm listening to the movie soundtrack. i found myself identifying with the characters, which is one mark of a good book. i freakishly saw myself in Lena, and maybe a little bit of Tibby. and if you don't know who i'm talking about, then you should go read the book.

anyways, i purposely got up before 10am this morning so i could watch T-minus Rock on MTV-2. an hour of whole rock music videos! with commercials...oh well. and i'm actually feeling a little better now. cuz, yeah, i was sick and out of commmission. it was kind of funny/embarrassing talking to the lady who called me from the doctor's office yesterday morning and i sounded like a strangled man.

but i guess i dont really get embarrassed anymore.

and now a song quote from the Sisterhood Soundtrack. cuz i'm a sucker for stuff like this... :-)

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
-natasha bedingfield

as i was sitting with my buddy today, watching him chew on what he likes to chew on, my eyes drifted over to the swimming pool, and i thought about what had happened on monday. it was like a reeeeely bad "embarassing story" in Teen Magazine....

SO! I was a counselor at a SUMMER CAMP! And the kid I was watching that day POOPED IN THE POOL! MY FACE WAS SO RED! I WAS MORTIFIED to go talk to the FREAKISHLY HOT LIFEGUARD and tell him WHAT HAPPENED! THEN they had to SHUT DOWN THE POOL for an HOUR!

did you notice how i mentioned that the lifeguard was "FREAKISHLY HOT!"??? Then Teen Magazine would appropriately rate my story on embarrassing-ness, like "OMG! WEAR A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD FOR A WEEK!" or "THATS IT...YOU NEED TO MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY."

but the truth was, it wasn't really that bad. sure, it was embarrassing, but it happened, we dealt with it. we winced, we laughed, we learned.

DAMN am i gonna be a teacher or what?!?!

my room has returned to its appropriate state of constant-disarray, because there is no other way it should be. the problem is, i get up in the morning, get ready, go to work all day, come home and then am too tired to clean up the mess. fortunatly i have been better about clothes circulation, and the plastic water bottle accumulation has been less due to my use of Nalgene Bottle.

anyways, i'm currently listening to Rufus Wainwright, because Kelli and I have found ourselves in a CD swap. she has Modest Mouse (its not Mighty Mouse, dear) and is apparently quite "nervous" about it. and about Rufus, I like what I have heard before, and he has a voice that i would like to listen to in headphones as i fall asleep.

and speaking of Folk Crooners, I downloaded a Damien Rice song from the iTunes store that came with a bonus video, which is kind of cool. It has a political message along with it, which in support you should click here to find out about.

other than being absolutely addicted to my Audioscrobbler and busy with work, not much else is going on.

I went out into the night
I went out to find some light
Kids are dyin' out in the snow
look at them go, look at them go!

seriously, i have like the best job in the world.

i found myself in an interesting position last nite. you see, yesterday was the first day of summer camp. by nite, my nerves were shot, i was exhausted. but it was 12:30am and i wasn't sleepy. so i got up and played freecell. go figure, my internet was broken. anyways, i listened to some Explosions in the Sky (probably one of the most beautiful things you could ever listen to) then went to bed.

now i can elaborate. i have recently put into action my free eMusic trial downloads. out of fifty i think i have 24 left. dude, thats only like two albums. but anyway, in case you are interested, i've acquired...
Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place
Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane over the Sea
The Decemberists - Picaresque

they've been good, for the most part. NMH and Decemberists sound alike, but Decemberists are less weird. have to listen a few more times to have them grow on me.

anyway, like i said, yesterday was day one of camp. it wasn't awful, but a lot of little things just went awry. things were thrown, people were hit, water was in places it shouldn't have been. but thats ok...things can get better.

yesterday...

they cut down our lilac bush

i was still sick

and thinking myself into a hole


but then i made a cd for myself with a particularly happy song

and it was OK.



the other day, i was talking to my 12 year old sister about music, and she told me

"becky, you need a new hobby"

um...

i seem to remember talking about The Shins...

i feel like writing. not sure about what, so we'll see how this goes.

today was an interesting day, and in today, i mean yesterday, because twenty minutes ago it was yesterday. or rather, Sunday.

during the day i thought about the way that i think. sounds strange, doesn't it? but i've discovered about myself that i am freakishly self-aware. maybe this is a more mature way of looking at my "need to control everything," but its just that, a more mature way of thinking of it. i like to stop and figure stuff out for myself. then bounce it off other people. but gaahhhh i feel like it has to make sense to me first.

let me try this again. i think just internally i'm confused. nothing serious, i just need to figure out some sort of philosophy i can call my own that is for the most part consistent. but hopefully i don't get stuck on it, or get narrow minded, not allowing myself to grow.

now that i've successfully confused you...

{insert any switchfoot lyrics here}

it's like breathing!

the other day i was thinking how wonderful it was that i wasn't sick. and now i am. fooey.

brand new is coming out with a new website! i still check back everyday! they're working on it! i'll be patient if its gonna be totally awesome!

i bought a pair of awesome jeans on sale today for $19.99. i handed the guy a $20 bill. this is minnesota. there's no sales tax on clothes.

hoo-ah!

i'll probly go to bed now. yeah, its 10pm. i havent done that...forever? boo on being sick and restless nights.

but hey, no-sales-tax-jeans-on-sale make it all OK.

i hate that feeling that i get when i'm watching tv or doing something and something happens and i start thinking about stuff that i've posted and realize that what i've posted is quite possibly the dumbest and sappiest thing i've ever written.

yo.

so, it has been awhile since i last posted, over a week, i believe.

and i went back, and thought to myself, this would be the ultimate time to stop this blog.

and why not...i wasn't feeling inspired or incredibly verbose, my internet crapped out every ten minutes, and all i seemed to be doing was indie music research, which the general population is not particularly interested in anyway. so why am i here?

like usual, i dont know.

what i do know is that my room is still dirty, and not in that dirt and grime sense, but that "unmoved in." june first is my mom's deadline for me to get my private belongings out of the public hallway just outside my room. haha, i dont think she thinks i can do it.

but, once again, i'll do something unexpected. just to assure you that i'm not becoming sane.

the army reserve called me yesterday. the representative was a nice guy. i support the army. no, i dont think i would join the army reserve. i dont think its for me. why?

because that whole stupid anti-authority/anti-conformity thing i have.

but i actually said, "uh, i have to go."

and go figure, i'm going to be the authority someday! bahaha

on a completely different note. i think i just realized something.

"you and me" by lifehouse. i've been listening to it a lot. people are sick of it because of radio or various, but i still turn it up. and now its on my computer, perhaps on repeat. its so different than the music i've spent listening/discovering/judging until 2 in the morning.
and i put switchfoot on in the car. and "on fire" still makes me want to cry everytime i hear it.

yeah, there's a difference. and it makes the world ok. when i listen to it, i dont have to know the answer to Why. i dont have to worry about different views, different tastes, who's right or wrong. i just know that to me, it's beautiful.

talk about a week of beginnings and endings.

three down. one to go. and the one thats left...death.

i must say this finals time has been one of the best times i've had at college, compared to last semester's finals week, which was hell.

this morning i listened to our campus radio station for my alarm (WHY didn't i find this earlier???) and heard Interpol and Franz Ferdinand, and started thinking too much about them, which is maybe why i didn't get up until 8:35ish. that's ok, all i had this morning was to turn in a take home final. it took casey and i longer to walk there and back then the time we spent in the building. oh well, at least its OVAH.

but anyways, now i'm awake, and don't really want to pick up studying poly sci again. but i dont want to pack either. i suppose i could eat leftover pizza. because we have to defrost our refridgerator soon enough.

anyways, in the past 12 hours i've been listening to music i kind of forgot i have. murder by death, Good News For People Who Loves Bad News, "Maps," "Save Me." i really forgot how much i love the beautiful song that is "maps." i want to see the video again. and the MTV video awards performance. AHHH so good, so good!

thats all i got --

so i dutifully check the Brand New web site every day, sometimes more than once a day. and nothing is ever new. no fresh news. nuthin.

maybe it will come on that proverbial "worst day ever."

but i know that the new Switchfoot album is coming in august. but brand new...i'd enjoy so very much something besides "soon" or "this summer." i'm losing the patience i'm known for.

i also want to know how things got to "disaster" state. why now, why why why now??

dammit.

050505

this is a shallow post.

i think.

i have yet to finish my roots paper. and i really need to get going on it. i'm not worried, i just have to finish it.

i will be home in exactly 7 days, maybe even to the minute. wow.

i think i'll be ready. i think.

ah, but the question is, will my stuff be?

i shaved my legs this morning, and lemme be honest with you, i suck at shaving my legs. i need like a microscope and soap that doesn't run so i can be sure that i get every spot. which never happens. you'd think that after about six years of regularly doing it i would have some degree of skill in it. regardless, i'll have my bathtub back soon. which helps.

speaking in cosmotology terms, i'd like you to take a look at the following picture, an ad found at weather.com's local page for Peoria IL.


ew.
Posted by Hello

ok, so the ad is for an alternative to Botox. why, then, is the picture of the lips exceedingly EXCEEDINGLY large? is that what botox does to your lips? (i thought that was collagen!!) HOW SEXY.

yet another reason why you should avoid plastic surgery.

i've been listening to Barenaked Ladies lately, and i never knew i could enjoy their music as much as i do. maybe the surprise factor is part of it, but its just fun music and mixtape friendly as well.

i'm doing laundry for (hopefully) the last time right now. then i will proceed to go get Bosco sticks for lunch. yum!
then back to thuh paper.

oh hey, props to Ilana for her A in Accounting!

i've been doing some thinking. and i've been lagging behind on posts.

i read a quote the other day that went like this:
"It is only in the giving of oneself that we truly live."
--Ethel Percy Adams

yes, selfish people are miserable.

i'm in an emo mood.

i'm in a false security mode. what am i forgetting?

i think its really interesting when you find out stuff about people that you didn't know.

hmmm...

happy may!

honestly, this was going to be a good post.

*flush*

went to the Guster/Carbon Leaf show last night. It was awesome! I couldn't believe how good Carbon Leaf sounded live, and how engaging Guster was.

Guster


Carbon Leaf


dont read mike's concert experience, which ocurred two nights beforehand. mine pales in comparison.

hahahahahaha, just kidding

but i still had a great time!!!

i really need to get back to my homework. but i really needed the break.

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

yah, you betcha.

interesting day. and i feel like its wednesday. and yesterday felt like thursday.

AAHHH

a girl down the hall bought an Ab-Lounge. yeah, those are those bed-like contraptions on the commercials on TV that you lay down on and move up and down flexing your abs, and it works because the commercials show men in white coats taking notes from readings from the sticky electronic dots on a woman's abs.
and this is no hearsay. i SAW her assembling it.

where you put one of those things at the end of the school year in your dorm room? i dont know.

should i do more homework? yes. am i tired? yes. will i do more homework? we shall see.

funny but true. i've been waking up before my alarm all week. huh?

this one goes out to all y'alls who find meaning in it, and those who maybe don't.

space robot five
is he alive?
so very alone
so far from home

for those who were betting on my poly sci test score....

I got at 93! Bringing my grade up to an A at barely-there 90.3%. BUT HEY!

today is just a good day. good weather, good classes, good registration, good music, good people.

ok, i heard Kaiser Chiefs rocked but not this hard. and i bought an EXCLUSIVE brand new White Stripes song from iTunes.

and i'm listening to Arcade Fire. all of this constitutes the "good music" part.

i'm out--

listening to: "Amie" damien rice

i canNOT stop listening to this song.

its " we're not expecting anything to happen. i'm not an incredible person, either are you. we're both just ordinary people. but you mean so much to me. "

this is just another example of how i cant stop listening to some songs. i will listen to a song, then i will have to listen to it over, and over, and over.

past examples:
"No Cars Go" arcade fire
"We Looked Like Giants" death cab for cutie
"A Lack of Color" death cab for cutie

and now...

"Amie" damien rice

repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat.

i just DON'T do that. i just DON'T.

i realized tonite i haven't cried for a long time.

i think this is a good thing. but at the same time, i just haven't felt very real.

i try to find lyrics that apply to how i feel. i'm not finding anything. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe i need to find what i'm thinking on my own.

and yet i keep listening to "amie." hoping it will soften me up?

last nite before my friends i told about stuff that has happened in my life. somethings that devastated me, were so hard, changed me, impacted me. and there as i sat, i relayed it more as history. it happened, now its over. i was changed and affected, and so here i sit, the way that i am. that's it.

huh

a couple things i've been thinking about:
isn't it funny how the people that you'll meet in your life seem to come at the right time? the ones that will really stick with you. would they have done that in the places that you and they were before? were you ready to meet each other before this point?

i'm sure its different for everyone. but i also think we get so caught up in what we need at a moment. we think we know what we want, and we know we want it now. (didja catch that?)

i think God's well aware of that. and the people we need, eventually we'll find. and it will be better than you thought it would be.

another thing. be aware of the mistakes you know you are making.


Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all

holy crap.

SEVENTEEN days of class left.

left to do:
Political Science Test
Western Civ Test
ETE 107 Test
ETE 107 Large Group Project
2000 word Civ Essay
Revamp still-not-finished Seminar Paper
Western Civ Panel

oh shit. thats more than i thought.

while i was typing that, i realize i do that at the end of every year, like in high school, and then i stare at it and freak out about how much i have to do.

but, right now, i'm looking at it, and saying "shit, thats more than i thought." with that nagging voice in my head thats telling me "oh, becky, you should be getting on that."

anyways. had interesting talk with megan today. not really sure what i'm going to do about that issue. i think i need a couple more days of a break. then i'll keep working on it. with an unknown goal. but i'll keep going. to wherever that is.

i have a political science test tomorrow. anyone want to bet how i'll do on it? heres some info:
test 1:100
test 2:78
notes taken: yes, extensive
day started taking notes: April 10
general comprehension of the topic: relatively good; i remember stuff from senior year government class


if it sounds like i haven't been myself lately, i agree with you. not sure why i am appearing like that, maybe its true.

but stuff has happened, stuff is happening.

but i must say....

I love my friends.

i went to bed, but crying and breaking glass from outside has kept me up.

i dont get it. i was falling over asleep at 9.

anyway, thought i'd better catch up on my posting.

dont know why but lately i've just been feeling sick. i get up in the morning and can barely stomcah my breakfast. i dont really feel like doing much. maybe i just need to sleep for twelve straight hours.

woooo looks like i'm getting a good start on it now.

jeez its hot. and i may have a slight sunburn from sitting outside for four hours today. but i dont care, it was fun!

my sister came this weekend. that was fun :-)

and i guess thats all the profoundness i can come up with at quarter to two in the morning. maybe i'll clean up.

finally, i listened to Your Favorite Weapon a lot tonite. i just lately have had a difficult time deciding what to listen to for my mood. i guess Brand New does the trick.

a couple songs to leave you with tonite.

He tells everyone a story,
because he feels his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear, and he cries,
but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
cause he likes it that way--tfk

And we just want sleep.
But this night is hell.
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
because I make things hard
and you're just trying to help.
I got no gas. (No Gas)
I'm winding out my gears.
This is one more day on the verge of tears.
And now my head hurts. ( Head hurts)
And my health is a joke.
Now I got to stop because the headphones broke-bn

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been-dcfc

so, its been almost a week.

i can live with that.

but it's been a really interesting week.

today was interesting in and of itself. i have a tentative plan for the next three years. i lost and found my Teaching in American Society book/study guide. i finally finished my seminar paper for civ. i took a nap.

but maybe its the lack of sleep, or the extensive amounts of homework that is not getting done. or whatever else.

i just feel like i'm doing something wrong.



and all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try and fail and try and try again
someday i swear i'm going to get it
because i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is

-straylight run "mistakes we knew we were making"

i'm turning into a freaking insomniac again. gahhhh. hopefully i can fall asleep tonite without any qualms.

watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail tonite. i was actually able to understand all of what they were saying!!

"run away!!!!!"

i check the Brand New site every day for an update on their new album. and yet, all i see is the heading "New Site" and below it "New one coming. Swear."

gahhhhhhhhhh

anyway, i've been thinking lately how it seems like we have these things that we don't like about ourselves, but we don't do anything about them. i'll admit that it takes me awhile to get warmed up in a new place, but i'll blush while i'll do it. but what can i do about it? am i just lazy? or scared? or am i really incapable of improving myself?

and i just so happen to be listening to this song.
and btw.... Straylight Run album = nearly perfect

and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say
"it's for the best."

"its for the best" straylight run

oh damn.

i just feel like spewing out swear words for no particular reason.
it may be because i sat down in attempt to fix up my seminar paper and nothing came out. i dont really have much else to work on, except read The Time Machine, so i'm going to do that soon.
it also may be because i'm trying to figure out my schedule for next semester. eff off prerequisites.

anyway, things have been happening, and i feel its time for an update.

i've loaded up my winamp playlist of worthy music, and have been listening to that for always. lots of Arcade Fire and Rilo Kiley, which i become more and more attatched to every time i listen. also a lil bit of Onelinedrawing and Carbon Leaf.

there i go again, rambling on about obscure music. but much thanks to ilana for the good stuff. (!)
what can i say, its significant!!

a cutie in my poly sci class commented on my puma shooz today. he said he liked em. it made me smile. and i think it still is.

today is Tuesday, right? no way. this week should be labeled as Procrastination week. i keep putting stuff off. even the days procrastinate on turning from one day to the next. however, michelle and i did make it to the gym today. cardio and iron -- hot!!

i promised myself that i wouldnt take a nap today. i think i've been doing that every day for about a week. however, i'm not as miserable and/or sick as i was last week, so i was able to succeed on that.
however, a nap yesterday was COMPLETELY necessary. falling asleep during two classes does not constitute as "awake."

now to go read about what H.G. Wells says life will be like in 802701.

Let's get together and talk about the modern age
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets just talking shit
about how we're all so upset about the dissapearing ground
As we watch it melt

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
-rilo kiley.

i love this picture. i had it as my desktop for awhile, and now its back.
Posted by Hello

Under twenty thousand tons of brick and stone,
She carries all the weight of her own world,
But somewhere deep inside,
Beneath the cartilage and bone,
Beats the battered heart of one little girl alone.
She is sweet, like sugar,
But she is bitter like the broken sugar pot.
Dad says that she could be anything she wants to be,
She only sees what she is not.

Chorus
Disbeliever, underachiever,
Disconcerted with the way things look from here,
Disinclined and disinterested,
Nothing in your world seems clear.
Disbeliever, underachiever,
Don't you shed another tear,
Little Sister, broken heart resistor,
It's not like that over here.

With the Blanket of Security,
And the mighty force of her own will,
Treading water in her pink pajamas,
She is treading water still.
Hopelessly hopeless,
and she is swimming,
further into the sea.
Thinking she's substandard,
While all the while,
She is beautiful to me.

She is strong and silent,
She is blunt and shrewd,
She thinks that nobody loves her,
If she only knew,
How much we all have missed her,
We are praying for you, my little sister.

This is what studying for Western Civ looks like

RIGHT MEG?!?!

hahaha ;-)

Media Player Survey

Total Number of Songs: 2078

Sort by Song Title
First: "Mondestrunken" from Pierrot lunaire (ugly, UGLY song)
Last: Zak and Sara - Ben Folds

Sort by Time
Longest: Full Set (Live) - Gremlins and Butterflies (45:47)
Shortest: Pull in Town - Napoleon Dynamite Soundtrack (0:04)


Sort by Album
First: 11 Days, Never Heard of It; First Complete Album: A Hangover You Don't Deserve, Bowling for Soup
Last: Your Favorite Weapon, Brand New

Top Ten Most Played Songs
1. This is a Call, Thousand Foot Krutch, 47
2. Float On, Modest Mouse, 29

3. The World at Large, Modest Mouse, 27
4. Open Skies, David Crowder Band, 26
5. We Might As Well Be Strangers, Keane, 26
6. Thrive, Newsboys, 26
7. Breathe (2AM), Anna Nalick, 25
8. Life Turned Upside Down, Badly Drawn Boy, 25
9. Thank You for Hearing Me, David Crowder Band, 25
10. Here I am to Worship, Jeremy Camp, 25


Find "sex" - how many songs show up? 0
Find "death" - how many songs show up? 26
Find "love" - how many songs show up? 81

happy birthday to the blog.

i'm back. once again i've reached a conclusive point in my life.

-yeah, regina spektor does have a lot of fun with her music. i think it would be amazing to see her live and experience all of her musical variances. and who else would sing about how she can't give her boyfriend a steak for his black eye because shes a vegetarian so it'll be a pizza pie, or how funny it would be if you cut your own hair
-im glad i went home
-the guy on the weather channel at 3:30 in the morning SUCKS. avoid at all costs.
-i'm pretty sure everything's going to be ok.

the pictures below are from my spring break, because in rochester minnesota we got 20 inches of snow.

anyway, this will come as no surprise, but i listened to lots of music over spring break. one evening i was listening to relient k, and i think this was inpsired by the listening to of "High of 75" on my headphones while i shoveled...insert spark of irony here...and i was just thinking of how happy the world could be if they were there listening to that song.

ummmmmm enough of that sappiness. lets focus on how i was listening to my headphones while i was shoveling and the dumb headphones kept falling out of my ears, so every five minutes i had to stop and put them back. sick of that, i got bright pink earmuffs and put them over my ears and put my hood over that. hooyah for pink earmuffs!
im thinking this means i'm comfortable with myself. who knows.

anyway, from "high of 75..."

its funny how you find you enjoy you're alive
when you're happy to be alive

snow piles by the driveway
Posted by Hello

white outPosted by Hello

hiiii

took full advantage of having a tub at home tonite. ahhh...

also did some serious music listening. put cd's in my stereo and plugged my headphones in, and just kinda sat there.

but right now i'm streaming Regina Spektor's Soviet Kitsch from her website. i like how she plays with her music. definitely not like anything i've ever heard before.

anyway, thru all the lines of music that have gone thru my head tonite, this is the best and most relevant i've come up with.

we're moving forward
but holding ourselves back
-straylight run (yet again)

i was debating whether to or not. well, here i am, so i guess i am a pretty persuasive person.

i'm on screaming fast internet connection, and i'm at home. its new. how cool is that?!

but i'm not on my computer. sob.

oh well. at home is nice. i got to see my new baby cousin today. which was exciting :-)

with a little bit of my birthday money, i kind of want to buy a cd. that remains to be seen what it will be. i'm bouncing around a few ideas...
-the shins
-yellowsecond
-onelinedrawing
-anberlin

if you're wondering what onelinedrawing is, its a former band by gratitude lead singer, jonah matranga. i like it :-)
its sweet, and mellow, and interesting. a guy pouring his heart out, without seeming sappy.

awww

ang and i exchanged iPods on the way home tonite and i went through some of my music thats somehow on her playlist and not mine. its just old. oh well. anyways, found some pete yorn and loudermilk.
still not sure if pete yorn is quality music or not. i just kind of like his deep, rusky voice (is rusky a word?) and the fun guitar.

and loudermilk. not sure if they are considered good, but i liked em, in a weird, twisted sort of way. odd voices and creepy feelings aside, they were very poetic.


gonna shut up about that one now.

anyways, gonna listen to a little bit more of my new friend Jonah Matranga! then sleep. jeez, coming home is tiring...

latah!