ahh...back to blogging. il me manque.

a sample of things that have been drained today:
-my sinuses
-my black printer ink cartridge
-the campus
-several bottles of water
-my bladder

allow me to explain...
sinuses: i have a cold. yuck.
black printer ink cartridge: I finished my seminar paper!! at least for now! I printed off twenty two copies for my loverly w. civ classmates...now i hope they will loverly me
the campus: it rained. and snowed. and rained. and snowed. and snowed. i stepped in a puddle. and another puddle. and another. (It SNOWED!!)
several bottles of water: in efforts to cleanse my body of the evil infection, i have been drinking lots. which of course leads me to...
my bladder: ay ay its lots of water!!!

brief list of why today is amazering
-i just said "amazering!"
-i finished my SEMINAR PAPER!!
-it snowed prettily!
-French class was canceled!
-i dont have to give my french presentation til next tuesday!
-i have listened to ben folds all day thru the Wyckoff iTunes network!
-i was homeworkly productive today!
-i phoned the chica who came up with the word "amazering!"
-i sound like a doof!
-i finished my SEMINAR PAPER!!

its funny, when you sit down and try to come up with ideas, then they start coming, they REALLY start coming...for example, i could make both lists a lot longer if left to my devices (uh, whatever that means) but we need time for bigger and better things, my friends!!

for example...do i want these shoes...


or these....
?

or neither? do i even need shoes?

well, yes...my current pairs are rather pathetic and old and holey.

and yet, i am happy with what i have. after all, last thursday WAS thanksgiving (just thought i'd let you know in case you forgot). then of course the greediest day of the year follows suit.
but anyway, back to thanksgiving...the friday before...ok this is history, just so long ago...i went to the burn service. THOONK. totally hit me how much i have to be thankful for. so many good things. it was too much.

and most of us know what happens when becky is overcome with emotion.

in tying this all up, i'll end with this amazering Ben Folds love song.

"The Luckiest"

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

thanksgiving break=yesss

this week=oh, crap

if i dont die, i'll post sometime later

MISSING: LEFT EYE CONTACT LENS, PERSCRIPTION -2.25

i dont know how it happened! it was in my eye, then i went to take it out, and, nothing!

blogging, because i can. HA

had a relatively good day. went to bed too late last nite (damn paper! but more on that later) so that made it difficult to get up this morning. but church was excellent, as always.
the pastor talked about death. a bit morbid, but it was more like dont waste your life not in God when you are young. excellent music as well.
then came brunch. once again, excellent as usual.
then the paper. not as much pacing and frantic coming-up-withness as the night before, which means that i actually have content down on paper. and a working thesis!!
then COM group. CRAP. things are just not coming together. well, they had better and darn quick.
then i came back, fiddled around online, and decided that i was much too tired to come up with anything intelligent to say about my paper. soo...
NAP!
dinner at one world, then guitar concert, which was amazing. i had never seen anything like it; six guys sat up on the stage each with his foot on this little prop thing and played their acoustic guitars to classical music. and it was good. you hear that mellow, happy tone of the acoustic guitar and you know all is right with the world.
especially since i am done with concert requirements for music appreciation!

ahh, can't wait to go home for thanksgiving. luckily i have homework to keep me company until i do.

barf barf

ok, now that i have bored you with every single detail of my Sunday, i shall do it again! more homework, then bed.

SHOOT

here i am. its 11:30 on saturday nite. and what am i doing.

BLOGGING

what should i be doing?

DEVELOPING A THESIS FOR MY PAPER

why isn't this paper coming easy??
i believe part of the reason is because i have so much personal emotion and gosh darn angst behind it that i just want to let rip. however, i dont know a tactful way to do it. and i have an idea about what i want to say, but i dont know how to say it.

maybe i'll say...the popes of the middle ages/renaissance ruined everything. ignorant, self-centered, self-important jerks. i could try to come up with a good reason why they were so messed up. but i can't...well, maybe i could, but then i could offend someone. my job is to argue, not piss off. and i've already been offended somewhat by other people's papers, but i guess its difficult to write a paper on Christianity and not even be a Christian.
that is such a bizarre concept, not being a Christian. granted, i believe i took it forgranted for quite a few years, but i can't imagine not growing up a Christian. that thought just came to me last week.

i had better get to my paper. but seriously, i have done some homework tonite. i hope my COM group is pleased.

and lately i have been further exploring the beauty that is jeremy camp. he had a cd that just came out tuesday as a matter of fact. but this song is on his first cd. oooh, i'll do this because i can....


now, pay attention to the song, especially the second verse.

"I Still Believe"

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near

i was just messing around  

wow. things didnt get much better.

what?

J'ai mal a la bouche.

huh?

but i did play "Control" for my Bible study. which was awesome.

i really can't wait to own the new relient k album.

part of "Let it all Out" Relient K

And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me

And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Reach out to me, make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You...for You...

its not even noon, and i keep getting this feeling that i'm running on a treadmill.

(of course, that sentence doesnt make any sense at all. what else is new?)

what i mean is, that i exert all this energy and i get nothing done.

case in point...
i walk all the way over to Westlake, the teacher building, so i can pay a fricking $25 processing fee to the FBI so they can process my fingerprints...some legal thing for when i go into the schools for observation. but i sit down to fill out the application and realize my drivers license number is in my dorm. so i walk back over to the dorm, and fill the rest out with my d.l.n. and walk back over there.
then i headed to the language lab to do some french homework. lights are off, door is locked, sign says its supposed to be open.
went to do laundry, because i am desperately running out of clothes. i brought my huge bag downstairs (ok, wont complain too much as i only have to go down one level) and open all the washers and find that they are all full.

GAH

things are somewhat better, as got strawbanana smoothie for lunch. and i did pay my $25.

hopefully better than miserable mood lasts into the afternoon, as have COM 101 test that i found out about monday and working more on COM 101 project. fluh.

random thought that i have to say: I'm getting sick of being around people who are living FOR other people. All of their energies focus on one person, and their moods fluctuate on how much they are accepted by one person. And when the person is totally rejected, they are totally miserable until they have someone else to hang on to.
pathetically, i am not innocent of this. but, ya live you learn. and now its time to grow up.
there is comfort in this. if you focus on God, he always accepts you, and there's no reason to be miserable.

there's a group here on campus that are trying to raise money to prevent violence against women. in order to do this, they are selling chocolate candy vaginas. i honestly do not see any way how this is promoting non-violence against women.

anyway, i have faith that all the homework i have will all fall into place.

worship@fullvolume was quite awesome tonite, as usual. and sometimes forgetting your keys is a good thing.

we sang this song, which is just amazing. and there's a story behind it. a guy was coming over to America to be with his wife a long time ago, and his son and three daughters had just died. so even through all this pain, it was well with his soul...

"It is Well with my Soul" --Audio Adrenaline and Jennifer Knapp

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scoll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

ahhh...Sunday night.

i feel very cultured this weekend, as i attended two music concerts. one was a professional symphony and the other was the school band. both good.

the thing about the symphony was that i got to dress up in my black pants/black sweater/red shirt/clappy high heel shoes and go see the Symphony Orchestra in the company of many 70 year olds in similar dressy wear and on dates with their spouses they have been married to for fifty years and they actually know stuff about what the orchestra was playing. its like, they know where the real party's at. and i find it cool, and awfully romantic.

so, i'm thinking its a v. good thing that i'm taking music appreciation.

then again, just sitting here with led zeppelin rox my sox as well.

i find that whenever i give my full blown opinion on something, i end up changing my stance, even if just a little.
for example, way back in september i wrote this post about him just not being into you.
i've thought about it, partially because stuff i consider having made a decision on sticks in my head and won't go away, so when my mind wanders it finds this remnant and picks it up and begins to ponder it.
and think and think and think
also, my roomate got the book that its all about (He's Just Not That Into You), and it makes sense.
however, i think my mind was a bit narrow, demented, and in denial at the time.
on the other hand, i dont disagree a bit at all about what i wrote about women picking every fricking thing apart.

heh, my point proven exactly.

however, you live and you learn. or more like you make mistakes and you learn.

funny how that's like my motto and i get caught up in a situation, then it seems to be wiped from my mind. that or its hard to be objective when you are stuck in the middle of...everything. then in hindsight you realize..."what the HELL was i thinking"

some things in college kind of make me sick.
twice last night @ about 11 pm after seeing me in pajamas and disheveled hair and rubbed off makeup i was asked..."oh, you're not going out??"
me-->"oh, i already went out"
them-->"oh" *confused look on face*
me-->"yeah, i went to the symphony orchestra"
them-->*fake smile/nod*

(granted it was for a class, but like i said earlier, i liked the experience.)

of course, there are other things, but i think there will be several things that i will find sickening through my whole life, so i'd better live with it.

since the feel good day of last thursday when my hair was once again chopped off, i've opened my big mouth and have started blabbing that i used to have long long hair.
this, of course, prompts people to wonder what the heck i looked like with hair even past my shoulders, so i got a picture. this is bothering me.
now i've released a part of my past. i didn't want to. i'm telling people what i used to be like. they didnt know me then, and i'm different now. cutting my hair was...symbolic of letting go of old things. starting something new and come out from...somewhere, maybe behind the hair.
anyway, i hate it. they didnt know me then, so whats the point.

but one thing i don't hate is led zeppelin, especially "whole lotta love," especially jimmy page guitar.

mmmm datz the good stuff

i guess the stuff about the Catholic church that i quoted is pretty sad.

to each his own, i suppose?

lets see...reflection on the week...

went pretty good. am very happy that its now friday.

and now i'm listening to Franz Ferdinand hooya! "Come on Home" great song. so is 40'. wooooooooooo....

did some research about spiritual life in India...its...pretty spiritual, not just Christian. yep.

speaking of that, i had to write a paper on the Reformation, and it was good. not the quality of the paper, but that i wrote it. good stuff came out. but, in class while we were discussing them, questions about Catholicism came up...which, i guess I can be an authority on?? so here i am being posed a question, with the whole class listening for my answer. nothing wrong with that i guess, but its very nervewracking hoping i dont say the wrong thing.

speaking of which, the book A People Adrift by Peter Steinfels has some good stuff in it.

"Do Catholics worship with the conviction that they are themselves, together, offering this great thanksgiving? Or, their occasional assigned words and motions notwithstanding, are they essentially watching and hearing someone else do it for them...

...Catholics, whose resistance to full-throated song...is legendary."

almost funny cuz its true...

and, i came across this passage twice this week, so it must be notable.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
-- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

pretty much that means that since we know comfort from God, we can comfort each other.
which is good, because there was speech freaking outness all over the place this week.

haircut feels fantastic as well, its up to my chin :-)

ahh...shall proceed to revel in the weekend...

SPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECHSPEECH

that, my friends, is what my mind SHOULD have been focusing on this week.

THIS is what i have been doing
-reading A People Adrift (a book i am TOTALLY gonna quote here when the speech is done)
-sitting and staring
-watching music visualizations on iTunes
-reading people's blogs (so, am I distracting YOU now??)
-more sitting and staring
-blogging (hey look, what i'm doing now)
-reading people's profiles
-writing four and a half pages of thoughts
-more sitting and staring
-sleeping

however, that last bit is a bit necessary, since i havent been doing enough of it lately.
maybe i'll go do that now

anyways, resume is done, i think, and i still have to do some stuff for com tomorrow. and i have to coordinate some research for this presentation for cru on friday. huh, oh yeah, and the speech.

i had better coordinate my brain first and go to bed.
every genious idea i had to put here today has flown right out my head! good nite

but wait...i listened to brave saint saturn today.

that is all.

i am such a big girl.

i just changed the ink in a printer for the first time EVER. was much easier than i ever could have imagined.

i'm pretty sure i'm committing some gargantuan fashion mistake today. probably several.
i sure could use another pair of jeans or so.
and a haircut. but the latter will become a reality this week!

resumes (say rey-zu-mayz!) are really frustrating. they shouldn't be, but its like a research paper...the more you look at it the more is wrong with it and the more ways it could be better. at least i'm done with it now...i think

well my stupid printer is living up to its reputation and it doesnt realize that yes, it is loaded with paper.
i believe this can be solved with a smoothie lunch.

ok, found it. dont know why, but here it is

"do you realize" by the flaming lips

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

this is really bothering me. i need a song to say how i feel. but i can't think of one.
i think it would help if i knew how i feel.
i'm not sad, or particularly happy, or annoyed, or really excited, or devastated. i dont feel excrutiatingly stressed out, or tired. i just sort of...am.

gah!
this is driving me nuts.

however, ben jelen and watermark and larue and the jealous sound are working pretty good for me right now.
jealous sound more than they ever have, but dont know why. not exactly their words, but their sound.

ok, maybe their words some.

alrighty then.

i've decided i dislike writing resumes, writing speeches, constantly craving food, research in general, and last and most, lotus works.

and i really hate this not finding a lyrically appropriate song.
i'll probably be back in a bit.

*stomps away in frustration*

hello.

its 11:30 on a friday nite, and what am i doing? sitting in my pajamas, listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, trying to decide whats going to happen next.

i feel like watching a movie, but i have to decide on what one that will be.

i could do homework, but what kind of loser am i?
oh right...one that has a lot of homework due next week.

well, whatever i do, i'm sure it will involve a bag of popcorn...yummy.

found excellentx2 Brand Nizzle fan website. just check out my profile pic. after i discovered it i was exhibiting my tendency to get more excited than the normal person about something. but i dont think there's anything to be ashamed about that, because life is just wonderful.
i have a super wonderful new Brand New desktop as well, featuring the band and the lyrics from "Play Crack the Sky," only one of the prettiest songs ever.

anyway, the gal pals and i went to visit our friend jessica tonite who is at dance marathon, which is pretty much a bunch of people sign up to dance for 24 hours. they can't sit down or anything, but there is always music and dancing and food and motivation and friends and knowing that they are making money for little kids in the hospital. the unfortunate thing was we showed up right when a band took the stage, so we had to yell at each other in order to hear. maybe i'll do it next year, it looked pretty fun. hehe, i'm looking forward to see myself awake for 24+ hours with dead legs.
fun stuff, and when else are ya gonna do something like that?
of course, me and my cautious nature had to check it out before i committed. wahoo for insecurity? maybe its just...a healthy sense of apprehension.

mmmmm, i like this song, its really pretty. "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch. find it.

now about that movie...

pretty good day.

had a weird feeling today. I was watching TV, and this commercial came on for some premium soup. i looked down at my mug with tomato soup mix and water in it. i just can't afford that premium soup, i have no need for it. and my Cup of Soup tasted excellent, just what i needed after sitting outside for an hour. it was just tomato soup, with itty bitty crutons, and salt and undissolved mix sticking to the sides, but it was still good. and it was My lunch.

speaking of how good things come cheap, i usually get a weekly email from iTunes telling me about the new releases and they usually tell about the free download of the week. this week it was The Music's "Freedom Fighters," so i gave it a shot. they are pretty good; they remind me a lot of Led Zeppelin. the lead singer even has that whole Robert Plant Lip Curl thing down. and here's the picture that came with the song. i wouldnt mind having their photographer.

sorry its kinda big, but its the only one i could find. even Google image search couldn't find it.
anyways, if you're in the least bit interested i recommend clicking here.

i dont know what it is about spaghettios that make me want to say...HELLO WORLD!

DID YOU KNOW I JUST ATE SPAGHATTIOS?

anyways, i am discovering how much homework i'm gonna have for next week. thankfully my speech teacher moved a paper to later, so that's quality news.
resume, and speech, and getting started on a paper, and ok so thats not tons. but i really want to get my speech done before WEDNESDAY, considering i give my speech on thursday.

i'm drinking mountain dew as well, so who knows how long this post could go on. maybe it will sharpen my concentration skills. FEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNSHZOOOP.

thats me focusing. hurrah!

the upsidedownjesus campaign is going rather well i see...i should post a picture of me in my stylin' shirt. and it's red! however, the real test comes tonite and tomorrow, when i'm sitting at a table, being open. yeah i've worn the shirt twice now this week, but now i have to be even more initiative.
there is no need to be afraid tho. :-)

For this reason I remind you to fan into the flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life-not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.
2 Timothy 1:6-9

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things, of ships and shoes and sealing wax and cabbages and kings!

that popped into my head in french class...but it is time to talk of many things.

First of all, french class. We had to present what we had learned while watching french tv online. I wanted to say "A man discovered whales near Mayotte. The whales approach the humans." (hmm...it doesn't sound very educated when i say it in english). anyways, this is what i said in french...
"Un homme a decouvri les banlieus par Mayotte; les banlieus s'approche les humains."
when i had said this, my french teacher got a very confused look on her face. she asked me how to spell it, so i did, and she said, "oh, les baleines!" les baleines=whales

i forgot to mention that "les banlieus" mean "the suburbs."

doh

anyways, today is the day we have all been waiting for. or at least I have been waiting for. Ilana too.


mmhmm comes out today!


Devotion comes out today!

i have no money to buy any of them!
I sure do hope that both bands are at FOUR DAY Sonshine 2005!!

AND...election today. I sure hope everybody that could vote did. there is still time!

back to the books...:-)

My dinner. A Gondola sandwich from Avanti's. Only one of the greatest foods ever!