hmmm. so i definitely went to bed after two am. and i definitely woke up at 5:30 this morning.

and frankly, all i really feel like doing is sleeping, but i can't. my mind is too busy processing thoughts about driving a pick-up truck, getting a float out of the Cru office, getting help for said float, and "over my head (cable car)" by The Fray.

that's right. i get to drive a pick-up truck. and i feel giddy everytime i think about it. why? i'm not sure.

as for that song, its only about 8:30 and i think i've listened to it about twenty times already today. right now i'm forcing myself to listen to other things just so i don't drive myself crazy, but at the moment, nothing sounds quite as good as hearing "everyone knows i'm in over my head" over and over again.

its mornings like this i wish i was at home and it was summer, then i could go anywhere i wanted outside just by myself.

but this is Peoria, and thirty degrees outside.

at least i'm not feeling as sick as i was earlier this week; i was getting afraid my cold was chronic. but i was able to get cold medicine from CVS, signing a waiver that i wouldn't take it home and make a batch of meth with it. katie and kelli i know you are laughing hysterically right now.

everyone knows i'm in over my head, over my head

i think i am doing better in my views about myself. becca reminded me of a quote i have loved since i heard it, but i had forgotten about. i actually think i wrote about it here...but anyways, its "to be humble, think about yourself less instead of thinking less about yourself."
i still catch myself, but the least i could ask for is self-awareness.

i went to lunch with carly this week, and, like usual, was really good discussion. it was really an adventurous feeling sharing our views on faith and God and church with each other while people were constantly walking past our restraunt table.
it felt illegal, almost; i wonder if people were listening. but it was still exhilarating.

well, meg and i are getting brunch in an hour, maybe i'll lay down til 9:30, when i'm supposed to really be waking up.

the following is NOT from The Fray. i know, weird and you thought it was impossible.

yes i'm blue
but from holding my breath
-guster

this is a deliberation post. because i don't really have much to say. maybe i will later?

life is good.

so its reached the point of mid-afternoon on a Sunday and how much homework have i done?

thats right, none.

anyways, i am finally starting to get my positivity back. it took a weekend of lots of gal-pal time, and a few purchases, but i am ready to face the world. the bravest thing i have is hope.

one such purchase was Takk... by Sigur Rós. it is very amazing, and so happy. i listen to it, and i have to deliberately bring myself back to reality from the daydream daze that i get lost in.

i feel a cold coming on, and i really would not like one right now. however, it is probably a consequence of staying up really late friday and eating junk food, i suppose it is worth it. anyways, i am overdosing on Vitamin C products, such as orange juice, apples, fruit snacks, and Tums, and trying to drink lots of water.

homework forcast for the week is fair, with one midterm on tuesday and no Human Development class on monday! However I have to have a Unit done by wednesday...i wonder how long thats going to take me.

anyways, i have been making progress on my new favorite webcomic, Questionable Content. common subjects are annoying music hipsters, cute little robots, indie music, and awkward male/female encounters. does it get any better? here is one of my favorites thus far...

alright. time for that homework!

blah is about all i can say right now.

basically i'm still disgusted with myself.
i need some sort of a new start.

how do i go about doing that?

i'm stuck. so therefore, i blog.

my 225 test was easy, i whipped right through. i think the words actually progressed unto my LTM. thats long term memory to you non-psychology folk.

SPEAKING OF psychology, thats what i'm stuck on. i was going through, half-mindedly copying the purple bold words down into my notebook, but i got through two chapters, then realized there were seriously, fifty words in the next two chapters. crap. i dont have time for just definitions. i need comprehensive...ivity.

SO!

i'll cram-a-lam through my notes, trying very hard to concentrate. and then! never put off studying again!

we'll see how that goes with my midterm next tuesday.

today was a very interesting day in that i actually got up and took a shower before my 9am. I KNOW! then i did some errands around campus. saw a few people. got stuff done.

uh-huh.

for my teaching strategies class, i have to come up with a lesson plan. i find her strategy to be very interesting, in that she assigns us to do teacher-y stuff, then throws us in, and we as students find we can swim better than we think we can. a bit lost in the process, but things turn out ok.

i feel like i am going back to where i was, but i can't help it! fortunately i feel like i'm moving on with my life. i'm not stuck, thats only in psychology.

i made a mix CD for myself this evening, its like my October mix, i seem to come up with a new one with my accumulation of singles every once a month. anyway i was quite thrilled and it has some jack's mannequin and some Of Montreal and other snappy songs that Insound has as free downloads. like this song by Longwave (funny story: i get a tune in my head and then think, jee, i wish i had that song, and then i realize, very happily, that i do! its "theres a fire" by Longwave!) it also has "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, HOLY CRAP I BOUGHT LOVE HURTS FROM THE ITUNES STORE! oh...so good...ACK I BOUGHT IT! I OWN IT! NAZARETH!

tomorrow is the best day of the week, thursday, so i'm hoping this psych test wont put too much of a damper on it. hooty hoo!

so, a lil bit more studying. i'm sure i'll be fine. but read theeeeese from The Format (another song on my mix CD! hotttttddddang its awesome!)

You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me

i'm back.
i studied for my 225 vocab test for quite awhile tonite, with impeccable focus and unbeatable efficiency. I hope. i did spend a lot of time rummaging through my iPod and walking my feet on the ceiling, as i laid on my loft as i studied.

tomorrow i'm jumping feet-first into wednesday. at least its no 6:30 morning, or "four aspirin" for that matter.

oof.
the thing about being home is that i get completely off my regular eating schedule. the food is good though.

i spent several hours tonight studying chapter nine in my Human Development book, which is Cognitive Development in Preschool Children. i feel very enlightened and very tired. and also, who knew that what kids do was so complicated? i mean, when i was a little kid i played with dolls and fed them meals. apparently there have been lots and lots of studies on when a child shifts his or her pretend play from entirely focused on him or herself to, say, a doll. there is also somewhat a methodology in observing the errors children make when they count.
it seems like this is more complicated than it should be? i guess for the sake of classification of children, carry on.

have you ever marveled at the power of words? i have found that i can think and think and think something, then if i am sure enough of that thought, i attempt, often with difficulty, to articulate it. then when i've spoken it, the words hang around in the air, free for anyone to hear or perhaps even consider them. they're in a concrete form, they sound so FINAL. at that point, i begin to requestion if thats what i really what i meant or believe.
its comfortable to have lots of things floating around in my head, where the only judge is myself, but i am usually up to considering anything. the scary thing is forming those intangible thoughts into words with actual, real, weight.
i can't ignore what i do though. i could think reeeeely hard, then form an audible insight, then do nothing to show that i do have confidence in what i have said.

to relate those thoughts to me now, i feel like i am having problems communicating. and if you didn't understand that, then i have just proven my point.

i guess i'll just keep doing what i think/hope is right, and maybe stop sometimes to think about it. because we all need to step back and think about what the hell we are doing. and maybe sometimes accept that what i thought was the right thing, maybe is not quite so right anymore. and, amid my humanity, i'll trust that God will give me the opporunities to do all of that.

in the few short days i've been at home, i've had the opportunity to take a step back, and ask myself, what the hell am i doing? and realize i have no idea. this is a good thing, trust me trust me. i'm trying to be less arrogant, and consider and be sensitive to whats going on around me. and DO something. i need to do. care. SHOW.

i know i might not be doing very good in that showing area right now. but let me say i am thankful for friends who love me besides.

i'm not really sure what prompted me to blog about all of that. but i'd like to think that in my telling you, i really believe it. lets see next what i do.

UGH. SOMETIMES I ABSOLUTELY DISGUST MYSELF.

hooray for being home!

matthew thiessen and the earthquakes is so good right now.

hah. what a weekend, and it's not even over yet.

friday i went to an apartment party...there were a few surprises, quite a few games being played, and far too many pirate jokes.

tuh-nite the girls and i went to walmart, and erin and i decided to give the ricekrispytreatsinabowl a shot. and that shot was RIGHT ON!!



mmmyummy! and that tiny little portion is what was left after we basically attacked it, and shared it, and then ate some more. It would be a dangerous thing to give us another bag of marshmallows.

anyways, Duck Hunt + NES + way cool Nintendo gun = a dang good time. grrrls with guns hoo-ah!

i have this sudden urge to listen to Louis XIV's "finding out true love is blind." i dont even really like that song, but i didnt rip it to my computer before i went to school, therefore i do not have it to listen to.

but since i dont have that i'll keep listening to:
"shy that way" jason mraz/tristan prettyman. the song i wish i wrote.
"fix you" coldplay. the whole band sings, c'mon....
"weekends away" math and physics club. not the smiths. fyi. apparently more obvious to some than others...
"wait for the wheels" goldrush. <3.