Uh...

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas apparently has come and gone, too.

And I am seemingly oblivious?

Whatever. I figured a lot of stuff out over break. And that's good. But recognizing it doesn't make it go away.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. It seems like really, thats what people need. Not trusting in ideas, or an organization as a whole, or really themselves, even. It seems like people just want to trust other people. And maybe they don't know that. Or they feel like they can't so they put trust in other things. But seriously:

I'm walking down the sidewalk. There's a car driving by. I'm trusting that person that they're not going to haul ass up over the curb and run me over. I trust the guy I ordered my shoes from that I will in fact get the exact pair of shoes I want in the mail in less than two weeks. I trust that the people I tell things to will take me seriously and love me unconditionally.

And it's nice to know that when I can't even trust my own thoughts, I can trust other people.

And the safe drivers of Peoria.
uhhh....

No, I'm not enjoying this. I shake when I try to focus in on my homework, my room is a disaster, I wake up at 4:30 in the morning only to be bothered by myself, I fall apart every other night and call my mom crying, I'm sick of hearing myself talk about my problems even though its what I need to do. I hate how I lie to myself and other people, and how every casual conversation is a pressure and self-test to figure out if I am likeable. Which is really hard if I don't even feel likable myself. I really don't like the feeling that I'm supposed to be getting better and therefore should be having fewer and fewer issues. And I hate how I feel like I'm starved for attention, and when I get it I freak out and I have no inclination as to how to deal with it.

Over break I intentionally said stuff like "I look so cute today" and "This was such a great idea." I will tell myself that that's horribly selfish, and you might even think, someone's a little stuck on themself, but this overall positive feeling swept over my body as if I was sparked by my own words. And maybe a little bit of relief that I could say those things and maybe halfway believe them.

Anyway, I should really type this unit so it can FINALLY be OVER.

"i can't live, i can't breathe unless you do this with me"

This place has been neglected, but it shouldn't feel alone in that.

What do I even say? What is there to say?

It feels like the only thing that makes sense is the little tetris pieces that fit together on the gameboy that I play when I HAVE to stop thinking about everything else.

And they're just geometric figures on a LCD screen.

I do have hope, though. I have the few who remain constant, who believe that I am better than who I seemingly continue to prove to myself who I am.
I have a future in which I want to change lives.

It's hard to feel stuck; to not know what to change or how to do it, or if I even can.

But I know there's more to life than what I have now.