I feel like I've been dropped in a very large body of water. There's no significant direction, yet I'm being pulled everywhere. I get nervous and struggle because I don't think I can get any air underwater and the only thing to do is go straight up to where I know I'm safe to open my mouth. I don't know where I'm going down there, or how deep it is, or what I might find. It's dark. And I'm scared.

But as I unfreeze from my cringe, I start to notice the fluidity of the water and how warm and soothing it is. Reaching out my arms, I think I can swim. I'll open my mouth to gasp in awe, but in doing that find I don't choke. I can, in fact, breathe. And it feels nice.

...keep going...

"breathe. live. see. touch. feel.
deeply. fascinated. everything. with love. without regrets."

I laid in bed this morning like I always do when I wake up early, around 5:30 or 6, for no particular reason at all. But this time I wasn't thinking about how everyone hates me or I'm such a fake.

This morning, I realized I'm getting better.

I thought about the people I mean something to. I thought about how I can talk to people and we both enjoy those conversations. I thought about how my mind can think and flurry with creativity, and not slowly churn with negative thoughts and unfocused intentions.

And yeah, there's been some really sucky times lately. But I'm always being shown that in the lowest points, there's always something to live for. Even if the only thing I can see myself doing at a point is picking my pajamas off the floor.

But I'm finally starting to realize the meaning of the phrase, "You can't give what you don't have." And that I can be the weird, quirky, fascinated girl I've always wanted to be.